Don't sweat the petty things

Also: don't pet the sweaty things

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allgoodcretins
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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My friend has been really sad ever since Tom Petty died.

That’s why he don’t come around here no more.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Why didn’t Tom Petty like fly fishing?

The wading is the hardest part.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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What does Tom Petty say when he doesn’t have any clean underwear?

β€œNow I’m freeeeeeeeee, free ballin”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCOUNTCUPCAKE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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What does Tom Petty think is the most difficult aspect of working in a restaurant?

The waaaaaiting is the hardest part

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomophobe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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My sister in the US Navy broke her foot, and has to wear tennis shoes instead of boots, to properly heal. She said that they made her buy new black shoes, instead of her normal shoes. She said that it just seemed so petty to make her do that...

I told her that it sounded like a decision that came from a Petty Officer.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
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What the the grave robber who stole from Tom Petty’s burial site get charged with?

Petty Larceny.

I know, too soon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B00617825
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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I work with my dad, and we fight over the MP3 player sometimes.. Today I made him listen to Tom Petty all day. He comes up with this zinger..

Dad: What did Tom Petty say at the Pearly Gates?

Me: Oh no, dad, please don't. Too soon..

Dad: He said, "Oh I.. want back down, oh I.. want back down."

Me: *facepalm*

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lockexxv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
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What is it called when someone kidnaps Tom Petty

Petty theft

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Badtaste92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2012
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Dad Joked Mom about Tom Petty

Me: (Pointing at TV) That guy looks like Tom Petty.

Mom:Tom Petty is not that good looking.

Me:He's no Tom Pretty, that's for sure.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was just arrested for Petty theft.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aloiciousss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Why do the French have small breakfasts ?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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A man stole a statue of a famous racecar driver

He was charged with Petty theft

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone4011s
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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Saved my GF from committing fraud with a dadjoke

GF: "I saw where the key to the cash lockbox is. Let's steal the money."

Me: "Don't be petty"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexmhelfand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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Pun contest. Name our bands next "tour". Get it printed on shirts. Win imaginary gold.

Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...

If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dharmon555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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"No, that's..."

My dad used to play a game with me and my brother that was, in effect, an extended dad joke.

The "beginner" version, when I was younger, was when I would be talking about something, my dad would intentionally misinterpret it so that we could correct him. The objective being to keep up the misinterpretation in as long of a chain as possible.

Me: "Dad! Top Gun is on TV!"

Dad: "Doesn't that movie have that whiny folk singer on the radio in it?"

Me: "...No, dad, that's Tom Petty, not Tom Cruise."

Dad: "Oh, I thought he was Rosanne Barr's husband?"

Me: "No, dad, that's Tom Arnold, not Tom Petty."

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..."

Later, once I figured it out, we moved to "advanced mode", where we skip the "correction" and just prove that you catch the reference by making another error in response.

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..." (Arnold Palmer)

Me: "...wait, I thought that was the victim in Twin Peaks?" (Laura Palmer)

Dad: "...no, you're thinking of the lady who was the actress in Jurassic Park." (Laura Dern)

And so on. Did anyone else's dad's do something like this? Or any current dads? I currently play a version of this with my wife where she'll put on the radio and I'll intentionally misinterpret the artist. (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is playing, I comment to the effect of "God, I love Styx. Such a great song.")

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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I stole a Heartbreakers album when I was younger.

I got arrested for Petty theft

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
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My great uncle just dadjoked me with this email.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you

can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be

driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends,

family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much

on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit

there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to

stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin

flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's

an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART! LOVE EACH OTHER! YEP!

My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty

things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another. I hope everyone is happy in your head -

we're all doing pretty well in mine!

Just kidding. All my travel plans are to doctors and the bathroom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dantheman757
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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Today, driving in the car...

...we were lost until my mom found the directions to the place on her phone. She began to brag about her amazing sense of navigation when my dad replied "Yes, you're just Miss Direction."

Bonus joke, Tom Petty was playing and my dad wondered if he ever cared about anything important.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wjw42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
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IT DOESN'T, MAKE- (sigh) never mind.

As a kid, I can remember having petty fights with my brothers about something stupid (like about finishing the last reese puffs) Anyway, one time while arguing my brother yelled, "THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!"

My dad somehow walked into the perfect moment to say, "It makes 10 cents."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingcroak
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
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