Why don't people like replacing the glass in windows?

Because it's a pane.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lovina9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Did you hear about the guy who was stealing people's window panes?

Apparently it was panes taking work.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/smakattak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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When French people make bread, they throw the dough at the window to see if it's ready to bake

I guess that's why they call it window pain.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dumbwaeguk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Why do people listen to music with the windows down?

Because it stinks.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ucom1
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22 2018
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What do you call two people who stand on top of a window?

Curt and Rod

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RoyTheShip
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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Many years ago there was a vicious viking named Rรผdoff.

Rรผdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "Rรผdoff det rรธde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, Rรผdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but Rรผdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

Rรผdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/smoffatt34920
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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This sub is going downhill
๐Ÿ‘︎ 19k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BradC
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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BR EAK ING NE WS....'Bill Gates has agreed to pay for the finishing of Trumps Wall."

(on the condition he gets to install Windows in it)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Cortana for Windows 10 is the queen of Dad Jokes

Me: "Tell me a Joke"

Cortana: "Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud, then cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double crosser"

Me: Groan "Tell me a Good Joke."

Cortana: "There are two types of people in the world: Those who need closure"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theswerto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2015
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Thereโ€™s nothing worse than a broken window.

Itโ€™s always a pane to fix.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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Microsoft reeeeally missed an opportunity when they didn't call their antivirus "Windows Cleaner"

...just sayin

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/i_pee_in_the_sink
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2014
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This sub is really going downhill...
๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jimbojoneshello
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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I can't see more than 3 feet out my window

So this just happened in work chat:

> Dude: Holy shit, this ice storm.

> Dude: I can't see more than 3 feet outside my windows

> Dad: So there's two people outside and one is an amputee?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FerretWithASpork
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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Two people walk into a glass store...

One doesn't buy anything and leaves, while the other gets something to put in their wall, what do they have in common?

They're both window shoppers.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hurricaneman22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Leather armor is perfect for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gatsbyyy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
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Back in 1993, I inherited a small fortune from my grandfather.

It said "A window of opportunity won't open by itself." The lucky numbers were 2, 4, 11, 12, 35, and 39.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FunnyID
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2017
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Pretty sure this epitomizes what a dad joke is
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bonzai88
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
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Donโ€™t fart in an Apple Store

They do not have Windows. No wonder people gave me a nasty look, iStunk.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Otacon368
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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A Joke for the Hard of Hearing

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?" The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into peopleโ€™s drinks. โ€œWhat just happened?!โ€ the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cool-kid103
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didnโ€™t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didnโ€™t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "Iโ€™m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said โ€œMike, come over, nobody's home.โ€ So I went to her house and she was right, there wasnโ€™t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CCisme5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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"Timeless" Actual Dad Joke From Actual Dad (Mine)

This is said every time my entire family gets on a plane -- admittedly infrequently -- and we're taxiing on the runway:

(Dad, gazing out the window of the plane with a look of wonder affixed to his face)

"Look at all those people down there. They look like ants."

(pause)

"Wait, they ARE ants."

(family groans, as we have for 25 years or more).

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_cornbread_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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I was standing in line at an ATM

There were 4 people ahead of me, and the ATM itself is inside a small structure with big glass windows that could pass as a miniature storefront. An older man walked by us and yelled "Must be a sale on money!"

Only I laughed. There was even a dad in line with his daughter who didn't get it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GhostlyImage
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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That cemetery is really popular

points to cemetery outside car window

People are just dying to get in.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kshiau
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2018
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Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Whereโ€™s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history โ€“ with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it werenโ€™t for C, weโ€™d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who donโ€™t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks โ€œmay I join you?โ€


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraftโ€ฆ and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Itโ€™s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive โ€œdat assโ€ so once a month my computer asks if I want to โ€˜back dat ass upโ€™.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as sheโ€™s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to โ€œincorrectโ€. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say โ€œYour password is incorrectโ€.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


Itโ€™s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didnโ€™t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didnโ€™t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2017
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Got the police this morning

So around 130 this morning I heard someone using a circular saw outside my apartment. I got out of bed pissed off and saw through my window two people were cutting apart the fence surrounding our garbage bins and stole it.

After 2 hours of unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, I went out for a smoke and saw a cop car in our lot. Somebody had made a noise complaint and the police responded.

I spoke to them and after giving them a description of what I saw (they found the entire situation hilarious) I asked them "so would you consider this a fence offence?"

Groans were had by all.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Maple-Whisky
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2015
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I just told this one!

I'm sitting in a conference room with a couple of team members. When people for the next meeting start milling about outside the conference room, some people get antsy and start peering into the room through the window when it's almost time to vacate the conference room.

I just joked that it's a new form of peer pressure!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/curzyk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
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Dad's got a point...

As driving in car through town, dad points out window Dad: "See that place over there? I hear it's the most popular place in town!" Me: "The cemetery?" Dad: "Yea! Apparently people are dying to get in!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FifingFifer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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My friend's dad's Facebook posts are golden

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering

*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team โ€“ until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldnโ€™t choose either oar.

*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you โ€ฆor at least sew its seams.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!

*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.

*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.

*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? โ€ฆBecause if they flew over the bay, theyโ€™d be bagels!!

*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.

*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!

*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!

*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? โ€ฆOwlgebra

*What

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gwildcat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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Snow vs Rain

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red."

Rudolph looks out the window and says "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says,

"Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Toberoni
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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Made a dadjoke in class today

Today in class someone asked my English teacher why he never turned the lights on in class. He jokingly responded "I never turn the lights on, note at home either, I always sit at home in the dark"

A few people chuckled, but then he responded seriously: "I never turn on the lights at school. At home I do though, however not on my bedroom. You see, when I stand like this (and then he faced towards the girl who asked him the question) I have a big window in my back." To which I quickly responded "What? A window in your back? I have mine in a wall."

Not a lot of people heard it, but one guy laughed out really loud, and a classmate just rolled his eyes and was like "dude.."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThatGuyNobodyKnows
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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Road Rage

Iยดm not really sure if this fits here, but itยดs a hilarious story.

A Year ago my Father, mother, brother and me were driving to lunch(or breakfast), when we came to an intersection. This intersection has seen alot of accidents over the years, because people donยดt give a fuck and just turn in. Long story short: A guy almost crashes his van into our car. It all went really fast. My dad shouted, hit the brakes and with a screeching sound we halted. The van just drove on and was before us. My dad muttered something like: "Thatยดs it!" and overtook the van. He stopped infron of said van and got out.(Sidenote: We are all tall in my family. my little brother is a little over 2 meters and is really buff. Iยดm just 2 meters tall and my dad is a little smaller than me. My mum is the smallest of the bunch with just 1,86 or so) So my dad gets out of the car and starts shouting at the guy in the van. My father is a real pacifist and hates violence of any form, so we all were really shocked. I look over to my brother and say:"We gotta hold him back heยดs gonna rip that guys head off!". So we both got out and the guy starts trembling behind his steering wheel, when suddenly a giant stands infront of his car shouting and hitting and kicking the air, while 2 larger giants hold him back (barely though) and try to sooth him. My mother gets out goes over to the guys windows points him to let it down and say:"Youยดre lucky my sons are with us, otherwise we wouldnยดt be having this conversation." She goes back to my father tells him to cool down and we all get back in the car. The guy in the van looks frozen at us and doesnt move a muscle. Remeber we are still on the street holding up the entire intersection, so cars start honking. Itยดs then i hear my dad laughing and saying:" You didnยดt think i was gonna do anything did ya?" We didnยดt spoke to him for the rest of the ride, but later at lunch(or breakfast) we all laughed about it.

TL;DR: 3 Giants teach a man not to speed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GnakFlak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
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Driving past the cemetery

My dad and I were driving through the cemetery and I was looking out the window when he says:

"Dude, people are dying to get in there"

Well played dad.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sheehan7
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2015
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My friend got me this morning.

We were driving and she points out the window and says "People are just dying to get in there."

I looked up to see a graveyard.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/beverlynn419
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
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Dad joke on the bus

this was a while ago, there were two people sitting behind me on the bus one morning, a lady and an older guy..

lady: points out window is that a cemetery over there? guy: yes, people are dying to get in there!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tristessa0
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
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Every time we passed a cemetery..

My dad would always point out the window and say: "You know, people die to get in there."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FlameKitten
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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