What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?

A Boomer Aang.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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An old woman flew overseas for the first time.

She said it was an uplifting experience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordoftheClouds00
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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Back in Times Old Roman...
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -

It's the traditional changing of the gourd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. β€˜Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’

β€˜Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths β€˜ was his technically correct answer

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."

I told him, "well, this time, you should."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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How do you make 3 old ladies all yell profanities at the same time ?

Have a fourth one yell "BINGO"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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You know the old saying β€œTime flies like arrows”?

Well fruit flies like bananas!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tom_led
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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Punning replaced my old past-time.

I used to be a film photographer but learned it was a negative hobby.

One that lens itself to bad puns.

The kind that make you shutter.

I have proof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHK1961
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."

The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.

A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"

The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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An old couple sat on their porch in the morning after they let the chickens out of the coupe. They wanted to count how many hens the rooster fucked. The wife was counting one, two, three, four, five, six! Six times she proclaimed!

He responds, β€œYeah with a different chick each time!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jumbawumba07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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The worst part about driving a beat up old car is worrying that it could break at any time.

Or worse, that it might not.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaanold
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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I am having hard time deciding whether I should throw away my old pillow.

I think I’ll sleep on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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This gravity joke is getting a bit old, but I fall for it every time.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moriarty_Qbi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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Me: *wearing same 5 year old pair of shoes* Son: It’s time to get new shoes. Yours have holes.

Me: Well how else would I put them on?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xOffthepost
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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For some time, I have been very interested in the taste of wood from old clocks

While many have found this unique my wife finds this time consuming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saladbbar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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It's time to terminate your old operating system
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bmaxey813
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
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This old guy comes into my job all the time with dad jokes & i have to pretend they are funny. "Can you name 3 cars that start with P?"

"So there is pontiac. Porsche. Packard.. You know what a Packard is, dont ya? Or is that a little before your time? How old are you? So you know what it is then, right?" So he sets up the joke incorrectly by not giving me a chance to name any. But to him, this joke is SO funny, there is no way to make it unfunny. ".. well none of them because they all start with gas." Then he turns and acts like he is about to walk out of the store, like he dropped the proverbial mic. So I feign a half smile & say "yep. Gas. Thats a good one."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazegoby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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Girlfriend asks her 9 year old nephew, who just ate a huge burrito in record time, to practice eating more slowly in the future

Him: "Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito?"

This kid is going places.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
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An old one but still good. What time is my dentists appointment?

2:30

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lieghannsheriden
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2016
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My 3-year-old son to my wife at story time...

Son: "Mommy. Do you know who wrote this book?"

Wife: "No, buddy. Who?"

Son: "The author."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuestionMarkyMark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2016
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I'm a dad now, and I have a nine month old daughter. When I put her in her 12 hour diaper for the night, I say: "It's time to put on your night diaper...

...like Sir Lancelot wore when he was a baby."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lendrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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My 100 year old Great Grandfather told me this one... It's from another time.

Imagine a Maine accent, as a kid on a farm in 1924.

> As kids, they walked up to their mother and ask
"Mom, Is pig's sold?"
Their mother yells at them to correct their grammar.
"PIGS ARE SOLD!"

Commence giggling and running away as their mother realizes what they tricked her into saying.

(The joke is to say the mothers line quickly and drop the "D" like 'ole time Mainers do)
I'll never forget this joke. It's the only one he ever told me.

What was funny in the 1920's is completely different I guess.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorMog
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2015
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I don't like old-time cooking

You should always cook with fresh herbs.

(yeah, spelling isn't the same, works better as an audio-only joke).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PKMKII
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
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I hear this several times day. Because my family is clumsy. Never gets old to him....

I stub my toe on something

Me: "Dammit I just hit my toe on the coffee table!!"

Dad: "Need me to call a toe truck??????"

Never fucking fails.....

Love him though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adevore
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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I asked an eight-year-old if he could tell time on analog clocks...

"Sometimes," he said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/npw7321
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
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I've been waiting for this, dad-joked my 3yr old son for the first time.

Son: Do you want some Easter egg Daddy? Me: Yeah cheers mate but i'll save mine for Ron. Son: Who's Ron Daddy? Me: LATER-ON!!! HAHAHA.!!! I'm still chuffed with myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Benjammin123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2014
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An old teacher used to drop this one all the time

Someone would walk into class with "pre-ripped" jeans on.

Teacher: Oh hey, wearing your golf pants today?

Student: What? What do you mean?

Teacher: Your golf pants! They got 18 holes!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2014
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Discovered this at 30 yrs old. I have a life time of built up dad jokes. Here's one from first grade. (under de sea)

First grade, I'm in the school play because, well, every one was. I can sing, always have been pretty good at it, so they gave me the job of playing Sebastian in our Little Mermaid rendition. We're singing "Under the Sea" and I look out to the audience to see my dad, in the front row, making the biggest, puffiest fish face his head will physically allow. I haven't done much acting since then.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chubaccatron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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I've heard this countless times in my life and it still never gets old to him.

Me: I'm hungry.

Dad: Nice to meet ya hungry, I'm Jack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbestt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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This gravity joke is getting a bit old, but I fall for it every time.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josefcvs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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