Dress code
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hwhouston517
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/specklesinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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About my girlfriend's dress

We were talking about the dress she was wearing at dinner.

Me: "this is a cute lil number, did you wear it to work?"

Her: "no, we can't wear dresses, it's dress code"

Me: "seems more like an anti-dress code"

She told me to get out :)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mossybeard
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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Apparently

Store intercom: We have a Code Adam. He is wearing a black jacket.

Mom: Code Adam is a lost child.

Me: Apparently.

Mom: More like No-parent-ly.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/modsme
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, theyโ€™d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If youโ€™re not part of the solution, youโ€™re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, โ€œNo, Iโ€™m traveling light.โ€


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because youโ€™re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says โ€œI think Iโ€™ll have an H2O.โ€ The second one says โ€œI think Iโ€™ll have an H2O tooโ€ โ€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girlโ€™s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your โ€œstyle.โ€


Iโ€™m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I canโ€™t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesnโ€™t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why canโ€™t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they donโ€™t believe in higher powers.


Schrodingerโ€™s cat walks into a bar. And doesnโ€™t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies โ€œFor you, no chargeโ€.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: โ€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.โ€ โ€œAre you sure?โ€

โ€œYe

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๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Got my son

Any time my son groans or sighs, I consider it a win. When I came home from work today, he asked if I had an email from Club Nintendo, as he was waiting for a redemption code. I did and I printed it for him.

I handed it to him and showed him the Wii U code was on one page, and the 3DS code was on the other.

He looked at it and said, "That's odd"

I replied "No, it's even. There are two pages."

-pause-

Son sighs. Loudly.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 68
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/redneckrockuhtree
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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Our neighborhood has a couple of peacocks.

Wife and I were driving down the street and saw the male and female peacocks together, which was rare. The male was spreading its feathers trying to impress the female.

Wife said, "Oh. We have to stop and take a picture!" I said, "No. Bro code. Can't interrupt him when he's macking." Wife was confused and asked what the hell I was talking about.

"Bros don't peacock block bros."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WiiWynn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
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Fireman told me this one

Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.

So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/XIGRAHAMIX
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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It's 627 by the way.

Just telling family about Antarctica's area code.

Step-dad: Oh wow, that's so cool... get it?

No one survived.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Brooksey63
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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