Next level stuff right here
I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...
They don't make them like they are going to anymore
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I'm really excited for the next autopsy club.
I was thinking about opening a donut shop next to a marijuana shop and calling it....
I was at the horse racing track today and this guy comes over to me and says, "You want the winner of the next race?"
"No Thanks!!" I said. "I've only got a small garden."
My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because..
A giant hole suddenly appeared in the street next to us.
The cops are currently looking into it.
I live next to the rubbish dump and have a huge fly problem, the bloody things are everywhere. It's gotten so bad I've decided to sell my house and move...
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
Because I always take my shit to the next level
I heard there’s a lunar eclipse next week
Some people seem over the moon about it.
The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.
I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse. (Credit - Gary Delaney)
Guess they should read the bio next time
Cap’n Crunch and Tony the Tiger are getting married next month.
Don’t laugh, this is cereal.
I bought an Xbox to put next to my cabinet filled with photos of boars
Now I have an Xbox and a game console
As a patriot, I have decided to buy my next Honda directly from Japan and pay the necessary tariffs.
It will...be my Civic duty.
Never take a calculus exam when you are sitting next to two identical twins.
It’s really hard to differentiate between them.
Starting next week, I'm going to dress as a different type of bread every day.
My son is starting school next year but is scared because he thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I reassured him, "Don't be silly! Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
I will become the next great god. The embodiment of Thor and Odin’s power.
I was putting a fork in an electric outlet. What happened next, shocked me!
At every family wedding my Aunt keeps on asking , " Are you next , are you next ? ""
So now at every family funeral I ask , " Are you next , are you next ? "
I was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on my mobile and the feed shut off.
I got a text from my mobile provider saying I’d exceeded my monthly Data allowance.
Now for my next trick... making your voice louder than usual
I got tickets for the next Super Bowl plus hotel and airfare, but it turns out my wedding is on the same day!
If you'd like to go instead, it's at St. Peter's Church on Main Street at 6:00 pm. Her name is Melanie and she'll be wearing all white.
I had an argument with my brother about how to get to the next floor in the mall because he refused to use the stairs or the elevator
My next thought was: "Well, that escalated quickly"
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.
"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.
"Yeah? What?" She responded.
"Was that you?" I called back.
After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"
I could not stop laughing.
A comprehensive guide to take your Dad joke to the next level...
Next time I'm on a roller coaster, I'm bringing some nuts and bolts with me.
When nearly on the top, scream with a panic voice at the guy infront, "LOOK BRO, THESE FELL OUT OF YOUR SEAT."
Prince Phillip is standing next to DMX in line for St. Peter, he's says "50?"
DMX respond "naw dawg that's a different rapper"
What's a turd next to the toilet?
Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...
Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named
What do you call two horses that live next to eachother?
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
The name of next year is literally
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!
The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.
The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.
The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.
The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"
My dog just lazes around all day waiting for his next meal to be delivered.
Me: reading the “No Fences” sign next to the road
The mad scientist awoke, thrilled to see his clone right next to him.
He was beside himself with excitement.
I'll make sure to control my anger next time
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