Just like your mama.
(Seriously, the domain name is available)
insovietrussiadomainregister.su
A young man sneaks into a rancher's pen late at night. The pen holds a large number of male cows, and the young man wants to try his hand at cow tipping...knocking the cow over while it's sleeping. The man tries tipping the 1st cow, but the cow simply sways a bit and wont fall over, no matter how hard he pushes.
Determined, the man moves to a smaller cow and pushes hard...again, the cow sways a bit but stays on its feet. Over and over, the young man keeps trying to knock a cow over...but ends up with the same results.
After an hour of trying, the young man collapses to the ground...exhausted. In his frustration, he yells out "why cant I tip these darn cows over"?
The largest cow hears the young man, and slowly walks over to him. In a quiet voice, he says to the young man "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down"
There’s non-binary gold prospectors in some parts of the world.
They dig up a fortune in them/their hills.
The ancient Greek port city of Tempus was an outlet for international trade and rivaled Constantinople in it's heydays for commerce. City officials were warned by port authority to leave things as they were, but they were driven by profit and, against all counsel otherwise, added a second port to the tiny wharf. In it's first week of operation, the congestion caused from the extra traffic of the second dock resulted in absolute chaos, including a trade galleon being accidentally unmoored and set adrift without crew, and several panicked sailors and dockworkers died in the shark infested waters. Other sailors and laborers were so enraged by the officials' ineptitude of they began a riot which would have the town engulfed in anarchy and fire within a day. The city never recovered and now lays in ruin.
This is of course how the ancient Greeks learned the dangers of a pair of docks.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/yudb5i/why_did_the_chicken_visit_the_car_dealership/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/yud9xq/what_type_of_mat_never_needs_to_be_cleaned/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thought these jokes I came up with myself would be enjoyed by the community here. Can I get some feedback on how I can improve? Thanks in advance.
TLDR - I'd like to figure out how to work in "well hung" into my wood sign business name.
I'm up and running in a specific genre (sort of crass, inappropriate, edgy sayings, quotes, etc) and "well hung" works great as it fits well on both ends - edgy vibe I'm going for, and also...they are signs that need to be hung...well. I'd like a domain name that's available and well hung dot com an any others I've tried are all taken.
Only other aspect that could (optionally) be worked in would be anything to do with the fact that I use reclaimed , recycled, throw-away wood for all my projects to do my little part in cutting down on the enormous underutilization and total waste of wood that's happening everyday in America. I suppose if I have to I could drop the "well hung" thing and go that way if I like it more.
Suggestions?
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
I searched for lighters but ti only came up whith 14,852 matches
Spotted in the wild today. Names hidden to protect the incognizant.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
A dive through.
I sent her this link to justify my thalassophobia and her comforting words were an epic dad joke. I married up, no doubt about it.
“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
They have an Elon Musk
It said ‘parking fine’ so that was nice. . . .
Credit u/itshimstarwarrior
You'll strain your voice.
Apparently the livestock weren’t getting a well rounded diet.
Onya marx 🏃♂️ 🔫
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
Idk, I’m not a geologist
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
Love means nothing to them.
A cat has its claws at the end of is paws; a comma has its pause at the end of its clause.
I was recently at my brothers house and went into the bathroom and found this post and came out of the bathroom to my brother, his roommate and my gf (who is very tired of my antics) all sitting silently while he is playing a video game and the other two are scrolling. I recite the joke with a healthy pause before the punchline and my brother pauses his game and gets up from the couch to smoke a cigarette while I’m laughing hysterically. I then get up from the couch and follow him saying “No wait, get it, because…” and it was the hardest I’ve laughed in a very long time
[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]
The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.
"It is my great privilege — well, it's my privilege — actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.
Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."
And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:
"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."
"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."
"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."
"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."
[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."
"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."
"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "
"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."
"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)
"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."
[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com
... keep reading on reddit ➡
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Ten. Why? Because only twenty ate chicken nuggets.
It’s a wife or deaf situation
Credit for idea: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/l5550w/my_girlfriend_says_if_we_dont_get_married_soon/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Saw this today as I was going through their guided communication. My name is Michael.
http://i.imgur.com/nDuGVN1.png
It was in tents.
For His-panic attacks.
Looking for what my fellow Dads would name this garden artwork in my buddies yard.
I called it GandOwlF
Apparently the livestock weren’t getting enough square meals.
“I’m boiling the hell out of it.”
(Inspired from: https://www.reddit.com/r/ContagiousLaughter/comments/ny2yh2/god_i_love_her_laugh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf )
No sun
OC: https://www.reddit.com/r/terriblefacebookmemes/comments/p30xr5/no/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
