The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."

I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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What's Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

HAAAANDD EEEEEEYYYYEEEEEEEEEE

P.S. I can't take credit, a got a phone call very late last night from my friend and her partner who had been drinking and just discovered this joke. They couldn't stop laughing. If only you could all have heard them trying to sing it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frankie0694
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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I keep asking iris why some people have dyslexia, but she won't answer.

Maybe my iPhone is just broken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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My 1st meeting

Went to my 1st Rotary club meeting.. surprisingly has nothing to do with old phones..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scouter1973
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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My science teacher said that I might experience 5g on a rollercoaster and I said

I can get 5g on my phone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odinnextgen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why...

I left my phone in Airplane mode

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I won’t be needing a new phone

I decided to do a drop test with my friends on my iPhone 6s to see if the screen would break. It didn’t break so I said β€œ I guess you could say that test was a 6s.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jammiedodger018
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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I came up with my own dad joke a few weeks ago

My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange:

"Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!"

I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doctor-rumack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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So my wife...

Was trying to figure out how to use her new iPhone to shoot photos at night using night mode. She gave me the phone and said, here figure this out. I took the phone and pushed one button, and voila, night mode. She looks at me at this point and says, how did you know that would work? My reply...

I don’t know, I was just taking a shot in the dark.

Mic drop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/velopike
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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My dad didn't laugh so hopefully you'll enjoy.

Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work.

Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner"

Me "No, I would say you look about 40"

Not even a chuckle from him πŸ˜’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/T1TZILLA1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Could someone help me?

I just went through a contactless entryway, and now I can't see farther than my phone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Bad collection of puns

Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.

  1. What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
  2. Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
  3. These puns aren't very eggciting.
  4. lettuce taco bout it?
  5. I will asalt you with puns!
  6. What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
  7. What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
  8. Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
  9. I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
  10. You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
  11. Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
  12. What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
  13. What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
  14. How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!

I'm sorry for the cringe...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titanium_Steel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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Europe = You’re up

I was listening to music with my dad recently and we were taking turns playing songs. I played the song β€œtime has come” by the band Europe, from the hot rod soundtrack (Hilarious movie btw). I pointed to my phone and said β€œEurope!”. My dad yelled β€œI’m up? Alright!” And started looking for the next song to play. I was like β€œNo! EUROPE” and he was like β€œI KNOW, IM UP” and proceeded to play the next song. Afterward he said he was just fucking with me. A true dad moment. Thought you guys might appreciate.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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(fairly certain this is original) I'm out to eat with my girl and the server tells us to scan the barcode on the table to see the menu.

After taking our order and asking if we want anything else, I point at my phone and ask if she can leave us a menu just in case.

I think I wrote my first dad joke original on something new to this changing world!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yadnivek
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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This one is just bad.

So two hunters are doing their jobs and suddenly, one of them gets mauled by a bear. The other hunter calls 911 and says, "Hey! You need to come over quickly! My friend is being mauled by a bear! Actually, I think he might be dead!" And so the lady said "Alright, but can you make sure he's dead?" Through the phone, the lady heard a *POW* and the hunter said, "Okay, so now what?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatchOutItsAdam
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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My wife is incredibly smart

When I called from my buddies phone she answered β€œhey love”.

She already knew it was me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fransisco_flores
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Not even from me, but from a 13 year old who can dad joke with the best.

Actual scenario:

Me-β€œI can’t find my phone.”

Him-β€œhave you checked your butt? Because I hear it can store a bunch of crap.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kemikulhalo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday

I told her she will get it if she gets good grades, does her chores or follows the house rules.

Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone because it's either my way or the Huawei.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/all_shall_hail_me
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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Texas Lady

Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

""Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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I will never drink at home again

I'll never drink indoors again. I almost gave my wife phone saying "Save your number i will call you tomorrow"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Earlyman254
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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Thought you'd appreciate my dadjoke marriage proposal

Back when i got engaged in 2009, my now-wife and i went for a picnic. I had the engagement ring wrapped in tinfoil in the picnic bag.

When we were done eating, i took it out but didn't unwrap it, and then i sneakily dialed her cell number. This was a bit we would do every now and then (call each other in the same room) so it wasn't that unusual.

She picks up the phone and says, "oh hello, why are you calling?"

To which i respond, "Oh i just felt like... [Unwraps tinfoil] Giving you a ring"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

β€œYou rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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Did you know E.T. has an Italian cousin?

His name is Z.T.

-A joke told by my dad when I was on the phone with him this weekend.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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How I get my toddler to laugh every time she "gets hurt"

Me: omg sweetie, bring me my phone

Daughter: daddy, I said I got hurt (whimpering voice)

Me: im calling nine- waaaan-waaaan ...(pretends to hang up the phone)...the waaambumance is on the way

Daughter: there's no waaaan waaaan on your phone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bvillebball31
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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So I'm watching Aquaman with my kids...

...and he gets into the first big fight with Orm where he gets pretty beat up. My kids look worried, so I say, "This is an emergency. He should call 9-1-1." My 7 year-old son immediately says, "No. Phones don't work underwater."

Me: "That's right. He needs to find a talktopus."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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When I woke up this morning I felt numb...

And when I looked at the digits of my phone

showing 06:42 I started feeling even number.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pungunner98
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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My wife said 'I need to go grab my cardigan'...

I replied: 'what happened to getting it the first time?'.
Edit: my highest rated comment is a dad joke. I'll do my best not to let it go to my head. (Unless i get a call, I'm posting this from my phone)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2016
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Me and my friends first day as a lumber jack

Me: Hey mate wood you mind if I ask a question

My friend: sure, axe your question

Me: I’m making an account on timber (tinder) can you help me?

My friend: sure just put you’re username etc. (you know the basic stuff) and then if you ever get a new phone you could just log in

Me: sweet

Ik this is bad I never make puns also I don’t mind criticism

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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My dad died in 2004, we still get calls for him at times.

this happened a few years ago. It's about my dad and something my dad would have laughed hard at.

phone rings I pick up

me: Hello

TeleMarketer: Hello is Mr ThrashandBurn's Dad available?

Me: ahhhh no he isn't

TM: do you know a better way to reach him?

with out hesitation

ME: Not unless you got a shovel.

I could hear him holding back his laugh wile trying to give his condolences.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrashAndBurn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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r/dadjokes leaked into my real life

Last week, this gem was posted: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ckwidu/a_wife_asks_her_husband_could_you_please_go/

I told my wife and kids, got groans. Later, I was on the phone with my dad, making plans to meet at Fenway Park, and told him. He loved it and told my mom. A couple of hours later, he calls me back and is still dying over the joke.

Tuesday night, I was taking my parents to the game (Mothers/Fathers day gift) and met them at the park. When my wife and I arrived, they handed my wife a bag of avocados.

Thanks r/dadjokes for consistently brightening my day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackFunk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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(My dad actually made this joke)

I was using my phone when my dad spoke to me, "Oh son, there is something black on your head!"

"What black thing, dad?", I replied.

"Oh yes, there is something. Let me check." He continued.

"What black? What is that black thing??" I asked him, anxiously.

So he replied.

"Hair."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykolor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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Me Dad got me with this one at dinner...

I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.

"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.

Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.

"Ya balance looks shit, boy."

He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.

This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oi-FatBeard
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I won’t be needing a new iPhone

Me and my friends decided to do a drop test on my iPhone 6s. When we dropped it, it didn’t break so I said β€œI guess you could say that test was a 6s”

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jammiedodger018
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
This morning, Siri said, β€œDon’t call me Shirley.”

I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on the receiving end of the dad joke today.

I lost my phone and asked my dad if he could call it and his response was to yell β€œlolabean’s phone!” and then laugh hysterically and ask for a high five

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_lolabean_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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