Why didn't the captain of the Titanic think to melt the iceberg?

He hadn't thawed of that

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofthstrings
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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I stole and tried to melt an ice sculpture

When the police kicked in my door they yelled: FREEZE!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/g0lden3agle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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I can melt an ice cube using the power of my mind

It takes quite a while though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_TheProff_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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If all the ice melts, is it just berg lettuce??
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1eyedmanisking
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.

I told her she would roux the day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomBanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.

So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ajellysandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Adult deer may not taste good covered in melted cheese

But their fawn do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendan_07
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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If the God of Thunder was actually the God of Melting Ice...

... Would he be called Thaw?

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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What do you call melted ice cream

SΓ€agen-Dazs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/X_ENV_x
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Did you hear about the ice that got tickled and only partially melted?

It’s snow laughing matter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/salvedavus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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What do you call a candle made up of the melted remains of other candles?

Frankincense

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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What type of deer eat melted cheese?

Fawn-do!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Did you know that fully grown deer don't like melted cheese?

But their fawn do

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCHZY
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Help! A woman is melting!

Should I freezer?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/butterymix
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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When I have kids, I will punish them by making them mix melted butter and flour until I send them to bed.

They will roux the day that they anger me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quantum13_6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?

I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."

Note: this really happened.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LemonAdeAid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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I want to open a sandwich shop called Salvador DelΓ­

We’ll specialize in melts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IceCoolBrutus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Oh no, I left my credit card in my car, and it melted!

Man, talk about a liquid asset.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/99-bottlesofbeer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I had no idea how my wife melted all those pennies together

It was coin-fusing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oogway_1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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This is snow joke
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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What's the difference between Judge Judy & a melting skating rink?

One brings people to justice, whilst the other brings people to just ice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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My sister melted her gym shorts

A few years ago my sister decided to iron her gym shorts without knowing that the fabric would melt under the heat of the iron, burning a massive hole in them. She texted our dad to let him know she'd set her shorts on fire.

His reply: 'good lord, how fast were you running?'

Still makes me laugh to this day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alcarru
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2016
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I melted in the 103 degree Dallas heat just to document this pun - I hope it was worth it..... imgur.com/lRgYEuB
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Do you know who shouldn’t have house warming parties?

Eskimos.

If they have a house warming party their house will melt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it’s all water under the fridge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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What's brown and sticky?

A STICK

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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This pun made my friend not want to talk to me for a day

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Why didn’t Frosty the Snowman get married?

He got cold feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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FellowKids and Puns combo
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mafian117
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Why couldn't anyone hear the melting iceberg on the radio?

He was breaking up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMA_Printer_AMA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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I read an article about Eskimo hunting practices today

Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.

All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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My boss just stared at me while his brain melted

On a road trip back home from a job, we pulled into the gas station with another truck from the BNSF railroad. We parked next to each other, and since he got there first,we had to wait for him to get out of the truck.

I ask my boss, "So, do you know how long he's been working on the railroad?"

He was very confused and didn't know what the hell I was talking about so in a high pitched falsetto I sang, "All the live long day!"

Pretty quiet ride after that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whittler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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Have you heard the rumor about the butter?

Good cause I don't want to spread it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snake13bite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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"It's 35C in the shade, I'm melting!"

"Then get away from the shade!"

Typical dad...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hitno
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
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Big ouef! (The OP is on r/Oof)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stevedercoole
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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A wizard dies and they lock up his ashes in a lamp

The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says β€œI know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist β€œHow did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says β€œOh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordoflethargy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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Do flat-earthers believe Earth is a planet?

They do, but the "t" in "planet" is silent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faxicura
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Hm
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruggedramen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Dad joked my sick girlfriend.

Girlfriend- Do you have any cold medicine? I really hope you do.

Me- I'm so sorry but I think all the medicine I have is room temperature.

Boom. Melted her face.

edit. Damn you swypos

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pattymcfatty
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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Help! I have a melting woman!

Should I freezer?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/butterymix
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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What do you call melted ice cream?

Water cream.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terozen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
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What do you call the god of melting ice?

Thaw

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uri_ZA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
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