Love (band) Puns

Moist Bush.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

They’re my favorite cover band.

Which makes sense.

It loves to jam.

Guns N' Moses

Dad: Led Zeppelin.

Son: Who?

Dad: Yes. They were good too.

important, my family speaks Spanish

After my school's Christmas concert, I went out to eat with my family. They were asking me about some people who were announced for having made it into the All-State Band and Orchestra, one of which was a string bass player (contrabajo in Spanish).

I told them: "Si... Ella toca contrabajo. (Yes... She plays string bass.)"

And my dad replies: "¿Pues si toca con trabajo, porque la aceptaron? (Well if she plays with difficulty, why did they accept her?)"

TL;DR: Contrabajo = string bass, con trabajo = with difficulty

Cos I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Me: Yikes! What is The Cure?

Doctor: Oh my God. It is worse than I thought!

Haulin' oats.

Turns out they really love their Prague Rock.

I went full sexist pig, “YOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”

She replied coldly, “No, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

I guffawed, “I can’t believe that, show me!”

So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS!”

Is Nope, Unintended.

This is actually the name of my band. I love it.

You know the one: "Halal, I Love You"

This is an older story, I think it was roughly 98 or 99. My little brother was getting into rock and was listening to Limp Biskit and Korn. He saved up some money to get a CD so my dad took him to Sam Goody. My little brother gets the newest hit record by Korn and brings it to the counter and check out. With my dad by his side, he places the record on the counter and the late nineties rocker chick, loaded up with tons of eye liner and hot topic wear working the cash register says "oh yeah! I love Korn, I know everything about them, I have all their records." Without a fucking second thought and the straightest face, my dad says "I guess that makes you a little corny."

I guess they're an okay band. But how do you feel about me?

My dad, sister and I were driving home the other night when a U2 song came on the radio. He asked us if we knew what the song was about (Sunday Bloody Sunday). I knew, and mentioned it's unfortunate source. My sister then asks from the back seat "Are U2 Irish?" to which my dad responds "Nope! We're Canadian!" and then begins laughing so hard that he is practically in tears and snorting. He didn't stop for a good 2 or 3 minutes. My sister and I just shook our heads slowly.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'.

Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's first gig and, a little drunk, tried to climb the fence of Bon Jovi's LA estate.

Bon Jovi, thinking Hart an intruder, winged him with a gun belonging to Bono and The Edge's tour manager, who was dining there that night. The ensuing fracas was in all the papers, overshadowing Hole's debut, and angering Kurt Cobain, who was interested in Hole's lead singer.

Cobain sent Jon Bon Jovi a note, demanding he apologise, and Bon Jovi replied ...

"Shot Corey Hart, and U2 blamed. You give Love a band name."

We were looking at alternative metals, and we both agreed that the meteorite ring was not only the coolest looking in general, but the fact that it came from space made it a clear winner.

Her: "Maybe I should get meteorite in my wedding band too so we can match."

Me: "So you know what this means? It means that our love is out of this world!"

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

Mom: Yea, they have a new daycare and really love it. It's only three doors down from their house so it's very convenient.

Dad: Huh... That'd be a good band name.

Mom: What?

Dad: Three Doors Down. That'd be a good band name.

So as a bit of a preface, I have a boss named Steve who has the most incredible ability to let puns flow like water. I'm the only one who enjoys them so I felt like I would share them with you guys.

We started talking about advertising for our store since things are slow this time of year.

Me: Why don't we make a band and just play some awesome stuff to get people to come in? BMSteve: Who is going to play the drums and who is going to look good? Coworker: I can't play anything so find someone else to do the drums BMSteve: I would play the drums, but the last time the guys told me to beat it.

Both coworkers left imediately after and 15 minutes early. I loved it.

"I can't find my phone--can you call it for me?"

Dad: "Phone! Phone! Where are you?"

"So I called Denise this afternoon."

Dad: "What'd you call her?"

"Alright, love you too."

Dad: "The band?"

Let's hear some more in the comments.

Scene: Before practice with my band, my drummer and I occasionally sit on the balcony and smoke a cigarette. It's extremely windy and we began to talk about our jackets.

Me: This is why I love my jacket. It keeps me incredibly warm

Drummer: Does it break wind?

Me: Yeah, it's really embarrassing when it decides to fart in public.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

edit: formatting