What do Londoners get for christmas?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inukshuk7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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A London pun.

I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, and I've been crafting a lot more puns than usual. I wish I'd known about this subreddit sooner because I immediately forget them.

The latest was that we were on the Jubilee line on the London tube, and I asked her what Harry Potter's stop would be.

"Jubilee and Magic."

But I sung it to the tune of "do you believe in magic." She hates me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ralusek
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I always wondered how Wonder woman travelled from Themyscira to London in 1 day...

I then realized she's an amazon, so she gets next day shipping

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eddster17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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Thousands of people are waiting outside of Nadame Tussauds in London

They are waiting to get waxinated...

Edit: misspelled Madame, but can't change the title

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Viktooos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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Did you hear about the guys who commuted between London and Paris every day?

They ended up with Carpool Chunnel Syndrome.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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All London policemen have disappeared!

Investigators are out of Leeds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rintaro82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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It should be illegal for London to go into lockdown over Christmas!

...That's capital punishment!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/queenofthebans
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Is it safe to say the people employed near Big Ben in London are....

....working around the clock?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Dad, are you sure this is the way to London?

- "Shut up and swim."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ricerly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Why are policemen in London so tall?

Because they're paid by the Yard!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetts3030
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Two Germans are a bar in London

"Two martinis, please."

"Dry?"

"NEIN, ZWEI!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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Walking through East London, I asked my friend: β€œWhy is there a bull in that charity shop?”

He replied, β€œThat’s an Ox, fam”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eormada
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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How do shellfish get around London?

With an oyster card!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OracleOfWherever
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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What did they call the London clock tower after it started leaning off to the side?

Big Ben Dover.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Name 2 crustaceans that are only found in London?

Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrmyke00
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.

We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RattyRattyTatTat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Which county in England has just two letters in its name?

SX.

Just east of London.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My granddad has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from London zoo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/per1sher
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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There's a riot about cake toppings in London tomorrow

Police expect hundreds and thousands to show up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgugfjjfhif
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
So I travel around my country at the weekend taking photo graphs last week I was in London it was amazing I could almost say it was a...
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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London
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_a_pathetic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I know a girl from London named Brittany

I know another girl from New York named Americany

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matthew_______
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Seen at Museum of Natural History in London
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ana_Xr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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Seen on London train
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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I was reading through London history and thought it was interesting to learn what happened to King Charles the First’s head.

[removed]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theonlyrealnoah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Do you reckon London Wasps have a bee team?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danflan89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Mac and cheese stall in London with a punny name
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryman72
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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Has anyone heard the latest breaking news about the M25?

Its going all around London

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Just saw the star of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend preform in London for the first and (maybe) only time.

It was a 'once in Bloom moon' experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkiingOtter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a old London bus terminal and a lobster with 36DD breasts?

Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLAZEtms
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
You know what New York City said to London when it was his turn?

Europe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What if Spiderman was from London instead of NY?

They would have called him Kilometers Morales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sagarkaniche
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
when two german agent walks into the pub in London during WW2

, and one of them said to the waiter:

- Two martini please.

The waiter:

- Dry?

- Nein! Zwei!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adromawan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens if there’s a power outage in London?

Londoff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazercat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a bloke just collapsed on the London Eye.

Paramedics are on the scene and they say he's coming round slowly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
London Zoo is beginning it's annual stocktake...

And the pelican keepers warn that they could be facing some enormous bills.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrplShrp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
In which European city was oldest donut discovered: Paris, London, Berlin, Athens or Rome?

It was found in ancient grease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6. His statue in London is 18ft 1.

That's Horatio of about 3:1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juniorbadgerjon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Wish me luck in the London Marathon today. I managed a respectable, 3 hours, 12 minutes, last year...

This year, I will try to beat that but, I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathan_nuggets
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Paul McCartney was disqualified from the London Marathon this weekend

He was banned on the run.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxfunk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday i carries a house from london to machester

People ask how I did it I said it was only a lighthouse

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blue-is-bay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Walking Around the London Marathon Yesterday

My Dad: Wow that's weird

Me: What's that

My Dad: Well there's just a lot of people here advertising for GoDaddy.

Me:.... πŸ˜ͺ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilik3p14
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I just read that somewhere in London someone gets stabbed every 53 seconds

poor guy...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasC1027
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently someone gets stabbed every 48 seconds in South London.

Poor bastard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theultimatetaff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the biggest crustacean in London?

King’s Crustacean πŸš‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phalexuk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.

Poor bastard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stewbacca18
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report

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