The Londoner Puns

"We live in Great Breadtan afterall" responds the man

They ended up with Carpool Chunnel Syndrome.

....working around the clock?

- "Shut up and swim."

Big Ben Dover.

We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!

King’s Crustacean 🚂

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

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It was a 'once in Bloom moon' experience.

Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean

, and one of them said to the waiter:

- Two martini please.

The waiter:

- Dry?

- Nein! Zwei!

Paramedics are on the scene and they say he's coming round slowly.

This year, I will try to beat that but, I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else...

He was banned on the run.

My Dad: Wow that's weird

Me: What's that

My Dad: Well there's just a lot of people here advertising for GoDaddy.

Me:.... 😪

Dad: He's not gonna sell much ice cream going at that speed

Whilst gathering food, they find a magical golden lamp. The Englishman says “rub the lamp!” They do, and a genie appears. “I only have three wishes to offer,” he says, “so I’ll give you one wish each.

The Englishman says, “I’d like to be living in a penthouse in London with £1,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.

The Scotsman says “I’d love to live in a renovated Scottish castle with £2,000,000 in my bank account.” His wish is granted.

The genie then turns to the Irishman: “And what do you wish for?” The Irishman says to the genie, “It’s getting a bit lonely here, can I have the other two back?”

That will be the last time I visit London.

I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, and I've been crafting a lot more puns than usual. I wish I'd known about this subreddit sooner because I immediately forget them.

The latest was that we were on the Jubilee line on the London tube, and I asked her what Harry Potter's stop would be.

"Jubilee and Magic."

But I sung it to the tune of "do you believe in magic." She hates me.

So 3 explorers were captured by the king of a pacific island. One explorer was from Paris, one was from London, and one was from New York. The island king told them that they were all going to be killed, and that their skins would be used to make canoes. The king gave them a choice as to how they would die.

The explorer from Paris chose to be killed by a guillotine, and they cut off his head.

The explorer from London chose to be killed by a gun, and they shot him in the head.

The explorer from New York chose to be killed by a fork. The island kind was confused. He didn't know what to do with the fork, so he gave it to the explorer from New York. The guy immediately starts stabbing himself all over with the fork. There is blood everywhere and it's a horrific scene. The dismayed island king asks the explorer from New York what the hell he's doing, and the New Yorker replies...

FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOD-DAMN CANOE.

The nurses were talking about weight loss tips and the attending surgeon piped up. "You guys know the secret to losing weight is gambling, right? Just last week I was in London and I lost more than a few pounds."

Girlfriend: I built the London Bridge* LEGO set. It was really hard.

Me: That’s probably because it kept falling down.

*What she is calling London Bridge is actually the Tower Bridge in London.

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

1. Star Trek

2. Nailin' The Kelvin

3. Labor Of Love

4. Hella Bar Talk

5. Enterprising Young Men

6. Nero Sighted

7. Nice To Meld You

8. Run And Shoot Offense

9. Does It Still McFly?

10. Nero Death Experience

11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

12. Back From Black

13. That New Car Smell

14. To Boldly Go

15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

3. Sub Prime Directive

4. London Calling

5. Meld-Merized

6. The Kronos Wartet

7. Brigadoom

8. Ship To Ship

9. Earthbound And Down

10. Warp Core Values

11. Buying The Space Farm

12. The San Fran Hustle

13. Kirk Enterprises

14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

1. Logo and Prosper

2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

3. Night on the Yorktown

4. The Dance of the Nebula

5. A Swarm Reception

6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

7. Jaylah Damage

8. In Artifacts as in Life

9. Franklin, My Dear

10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

11. MotorCycles of Relief

12. Mocking Jaylah

13. Crash Decisions

14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

15. Shutdown Happens

16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

17. Par-tay for the Course

18. Star Trek Main Theme

• I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

• I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"

• I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.

• At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

• When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

• A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"

• Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.

• Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

We were talking about how in London, there are congestion charges and the parking is super expensive so electricians often hire a driver because it ends up cheaper than paying the other charges.

I said "Trust an electrician to find the path of least resistance."

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

Navigation system; 'Bare left after 300 yards'

Dad; Oh my God take cover, there's a massive grizzly bear on the left!'

We were in Central London.

We were in London at Buckingham Palace waiting for the changing of guard. There were two guards patrolling, and I was pointing out something about the one on the right. He said "I don't see any deoderant." I was confused until he said "you said to look at the right guard."

During my 21st birthday this year, I was on a train back from Edinburgh to London. Halfway through the journey the train came to a halt, and the driver announced that the standstill was due to a herd of cows crossing the track.

Without any hesitation I exclaimed "well, it doesn't look like we're gonna be mooooving for quite some time..."

Everyone on the carriage groaned accordingly.

In true Dad joke fashion, my father emailed me this list of puns

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium. · Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

I was at the US embassy in London today to pickup an emergency passport to get back to the states. Later, when I was talking to some friends:

Friend: How expensive was the passport?

Me: Let's just say I got pounded.

No it's just the way I walk.

This is a Morecambe and Wise joke but any time the palace is mentioned my Dad never fails to give the punchline. Hampton is old timey slang for penis if any non Brits are wondering and Hampton Court is a famous palace in London

My friend is having a daughter soon and has yet to come up with a name, so she made the mistake of asking for suggestions. I need help coming up with some great pun names to suggest to her. Some notes:

• Her last name is Bridges.

• As I said, it's a girl (so something like "London" is out).

• I've already thought of Madison and Brooklyn.

Any suggestions?

He went from barking to tooting in 15 minutes