What do you call a prostitute who locks her customers in the basement!?

A Whoarder!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been stuck in lock down so long I've started writing myself letters

Dear, me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFr1nk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad is always embarrassed about cutting himself while getting rid of his beard, so he locks himself in the bathroom...

I guess he’s just trying to shave face…

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A wizard dies and they lock up his ashes in a lamp

The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says β€œI know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist β€œHow did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says β€œOh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lordoflethargy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I just saw your math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I bet he must be plotting something.

u/UsedFloorMatt

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheranad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
While my wife and I were dating in high school we were at this church lock in. I said, β€œCan’t wait till we get outta here and I can plant one on ya” she said, β€œWhat kinda flower”

No hesitation I say, β€œTulips”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vHRenegade
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
When I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.

It was my signature move.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the edgy teenager lock himself in the freezer ?

He thought it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RottenMind62
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
What happens when four children lock themselves in a wardrobe?

That's Narnia business.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_otterinabox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
🚨︎ report
So there's a business in Cushing, OK that is a joint barbershop and lock smith

"So you can get your locks made and your LOCKS TRIMMED!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Old_Army90
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...

I felt your presents!

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I just had a fight. She has locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and still hasn't left.

I am tired of her shit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherKakkar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend tried to delay the inevitable by locking himself in a public bathroom...

He stalled for time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I got locked in a room with a deck of cards.

I was in solitaire confinement.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.

I thought it was a safe bet.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schutwo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I locked my door on the way in, but when I looked back, it was slightly ajar
πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Diascamara
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. /r/Jokes/comments/hrlc58/…
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLegendOfTrain
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man locked out of his house in wet clothes?

Police say he dried of natural causes

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cook-a-cat
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a teenager yak doing locked in his room?

Probably just yacking off

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CorpseP4int
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I locked my keys in the car...

So I took off my pants, rolled them up and rubbed them on the car door. The car unlocked.

I'm so glad I was wearing my khaki trousers.

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerZA
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Which letter of the alphabet is locked in prison?

The letter "K" is inside "J" "L"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I play chess online with a guy that lives in a small land-locked country in Central Europe.

He’s my Czech-mate.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
You're in a locked room, cement room with just stick, how do you get out?

Break the stick in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/papa_sabre
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I got locked in a room that was on fire.

It was torch-ure.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who locked himself in the walk-in fridge?

When a coworker heard him yelling, the coworker said "Dude, I'm coming, just chill!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
You are locked in a room only with a bed and a calendar. How do you survive?

You eat the dates and drink from the springs.

....ok ill leave now

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/freshgeardude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I couldn’t take my hat off.

I guess you could say it was in caps lock.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DashMasterYT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I've spent 7 years in prison

I learned that humans and wifi connections are the same in prison. Sometimes they're free and sometimes they're locked up .

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My best in the moment pun i have ever had

In the gym today, guy is having to get his lock cut off because he lost his key. Joke around with guy for a bit because i have done the same.

As he is walking away....

Him: "you have a good day man"

Me: "you too, better lock next time"

I hear him groan, look to the guy next to me with a dumbass smile on my face and he rolled his eyes. Hahaha

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SwankyTiger_0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/murlockerLOL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
An evil wizard..

There was an evil wizard who hated mathematics. One day he decided that he would end math once and for all, by capturing the 10 digits, and locking the away forever in his secret prison. So he cast his spell, and all the digits, from 0 to 9 were under his influence. He put them in his magic sack and rode off to the prison. When he reached the prison, he opened the sack. To his horror, there were not 10, but 9 digits there. After searching thoroughly he realized that...it was the 1 that got away.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
If I make any more jokes about spreadsheets...

...I'll be locked in a cell

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sammy_Colon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on a roll last night.

My family was having a burger night and I improvised some groaners:

Q - How does it sound when your cousin drives an ambulance?
A - Neeeenaaaaa-neeeeenaaaaa! (There is a cousin called Nina)
Q - How do you know when your cousin is coming to visit?
A - they ring the Issa-belle! (Yip, you guessed it there is a cousin called Issabelle)

Q - What does a dinosaur say to offer you a hot drink?
A - Would you like some tea, Rex? (Hate to over explain and ruin the joke but just in case - Rex )

Then during bathtime:

Q - When a crab goes to jail where do they lock him up?
A - A jail shell. (there was a decorative jar of shells there which I used as a muse for this piece)

Q - How does a daddy cow clean himself at night?
A - In a bub-bull bath. (Just came to me)

Q - What does an astronaut use in the bath?
A - A space cloth. (this one didn't really land but I stand by it)

Q - What do you use to wash your hair in the toilet?
A - Sham-poo (low hanging fruit but this one absolutely killed)

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dat_asthma
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I got locked in a room with nothing but a deck of cards.

I was in solitaire confinement.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My math teacher locked himself in a room with a piece of graph paper...

He must be plotting something.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UserBhoss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..

I was in solitaire confinement.

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
You’re locked in a cement room and just have a stick. How do you get out?

Break the stick in half...

...two halves make a hole.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I used to be a wrestler.

I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.

It was my signature move.

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.