My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...

We had to hold Hans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Now that's what I call a light beer.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anangrywom6at
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2014
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My brother refers to light beer as "making love in a canoe"

Because it's f***ing near water. (He doesn't even have kids, so I guess it's an uncle joke)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BackOnTheMap
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
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My Dad's take on light beer

Dad "light beer is comparable to having sex in a canoe" Me "what the hell does that mean?" Dad "fucking close to water"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxbrb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
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Andy was frustrated.

His wife always complained that he wasn't good enough in bed and that she wasn't satisfied. He went to the local bar to get a drink and cool off for a bit. On reaching the bar, he ordered a beer and sat down. His friend, Mike saw him sitting alone and walked up to him. He asked Andy what happened to which Andy told him the situation. Mike said that he had a simple trick which never failed and told Andy to hit his meat on the bedpost three times before sex. Andy rushed home to perform this trick. He saw that his wife was lying on the bed with the lights off. Slowly he took off his pants and hit his meat three times on the bedpost. Dum, dum, dum. His wife immediately woke up and shouted, "Mike, is that you?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said "ahh, like making love in a canoe."

I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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My wife left a note on the fridge that said, β€œIt’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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I don't put an orange in my beer often

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hastings43
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2017
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My local weather man, ladies and gentlemen

http://i.imgur.com/wj3wczz.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/am_reddit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2017
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I started brewing my own lager called Photon.

It's light beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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I dropped a can of beer on my toe yesterday.

Luckily it was light beer.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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Which beverage can you enjoy to infinity and beyond?

Bud Light beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HXCg4m3r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O too” β€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your β€œstyle.”


I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.


Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies β€œFor you, no charge”.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: β€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.” β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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So, I'm waiting in the check out line carrying a 30 pack of Coors Light.

When the lady in front of me looks at me and says.

Lady: That beer look real heavy.

Me: Well ma'am, it says right here on the box that it's light beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/muzzy_logan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
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My uncle struck gold carrying groceries in today

We're having a family BBQ and he's carrying all the drinks in from the car.

Me: "Hey Uncle B, need help carrying anything in?"

Uncle: "I got it....it's light beer anyways"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawgsmith
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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My grandpa dropped this one on me the other day.

So me and my grandparents are very close and we go out to eat at least once a month. One day we went to a restaurant that had a special on Natty Light. He orders one and I ask him, "Of all the beer they have on tap why would you order Natty Light?" To which he responds. "Natural Light is like making love in a canoe" I give him a confused look. "It's fuckin' near water!"

I applauded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/papaJAWN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Took dad out for a belated father's day...

I was playing with the sun's reflection off my beer glass on the table.

Dad, looking on, said, "It's a light beer"

As a dad, I appreciated it. The rest of the group, not so much :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
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He made me get my own beer

So I'm visiting a friend in California, and apparently their fridge light is out. Their roommate went to get a beer, and when he opened the fridge said "why is this fridge so dark?" to which I responded "maybe we should have bought light beer."

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
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Moving day Joke

My friend's mom was helping my friend move into his new apartment. She was carrying a 12-pack of beer that he had bought and as she was carrying it in, she turns and says, "well, this definitely isn't light beer!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vic--Vinegar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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This one scared me a little...

My Dad and I chat online almost everyday, out of the blue one afternoon I get:

Dad: I came home after work last night and saw a note your Mother left on the refridgerator. "It's not working, I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Sister's!"

<long pause>

Me: ...?

Dad: I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... "WTF was she talkin about??!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reebzor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Got dad joked by my friend on the highway

Driving down the highway i see a budlight 18 wheeler.

Me: look at the Budlight truck, it only has one axle on the trailer.

Friend: yeah, because it is a light beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWashyJosh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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My wife left a note the fridge: this isn't working. I'm going to my mom's house.

I opened the fridge door, the light was on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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