My dad sells life insurance

And on his calendars he mails to his clients he put. β€œ[His Name], your agent for life”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaughingHyena12
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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Not a joke, but this just happened...

Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:

Wife: "Are you going to make it?"

Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"

Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"

Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough

Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"

My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmbivalentAsshole
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Here are some good ones

Doctor:"I've finished the diagnosis, you have ten to live" Patient:"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?" Doctor:"Nine"


At the boomerang shop:"I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell how to throw the old one away"


Two elephants see a totally naked guy. After sometime one says to the another:"I don't get it, how does he feed himself with that?"


Patient:"Oh doctor, I'm so nervous, this is my first operation" Doctor:"don't worry, mine too"


A naked women robbed a bank, nobody could remember her face


A women in bikini shows almost 90% of her body, yet men are so polite they only look at the covered parts


"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" Grandpa:"so that all of you can be really sad when you die"


Dentist:"this is gonna hurt a bit" Patient:"OK" Dentist:"I've been having an affair with your wife"


Men 1845: I just killed a Buffalo Men 1952: I just fixed the roof Men 2018: I just shaved my legs


A women caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking his stomach. "That won't help you ,joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot" says the man"it's the only way I can see the numbers"


"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" "We can hear it better if he falls out"


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Black_Mutant
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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Artie the Contract Killer (long)

A man was very unhappily married and tired of being in debt. So he figured out a way to resolve both of his problems with ease. He started by taking out a life insurance policy on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then, he spoke to a friend, who had a friend, who knew a guy who made people "disappear". He met with the gentleman, Artie, and they set up the plot to murder his wife. Artie said it would only be $5,000, but he wanted it upfront. The man, not having much money, opened his wallet and showed Artie the lone one dollar bill. Reluctantly, Artie took the dollar as a down payment. A few days later, Artie followed the wife into a grocery store, and back to the deli section. There was no one else around, so Artie took the opportunity to strangle her to death. Just as he was laying her body down, the manager walked out to witness this scene. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie murdered the manager as well. Unbeknownst to Artie, the store's security witnessed all of this unfold from the hidden cameras around the store. By the time the manager was dead, the police had arrived and arrested Artie. The following day, the front page of the local newspaper read, "Artie Chokes Two For One Dollar at Your Hometown Grocery Store!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marriedwithkids96
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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A little morbid, but he's my dad.

I came home college to find a life insurance policy with my name on it. I asked my dad why it was for so little, and he relied with, "that's just to cover the booze for the celebration party."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dreamerkid001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Thought of a good one while at work today (slightly morbid depending on your outlook)

I work in the claims department at a life insurance company. A recent addition to our department mentioned that she had an insured who died from a bowel obstruction. I couldn't help but say: "Sounds like a real shitty way to go..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/three-eyed-crow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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Gecko groaner

Me: "The gecko felt so weird, it was sticking but didn't feel sticky"

Dad: "Did it try to sell you life insurance?"

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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Dadjoked my insurance adviser today

I had a meeting with an adviser at the bank to discuss life insurance.

Him: "Do you have a Will, by any chance?"

Me: "I don't have a Will, but I have a Way."

Him: "Haha! I like that!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bopoqod
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
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