It's my wife's birthday. This morning when she woke up, she told me that she dreamt that I got her a diamond necklace for her birthday, and asked if her dream could mean anything. I assured her that she'd find out later today.
She's gonna love the book I bought her about the meaning of dreams.
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but
The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster.
What do you call a condiment in a Secret Society?
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that “DING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said “anyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”
I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”
I HAVE WON THE DAY
I have a friend who is really good at working with MS Office.
Some might say he Excels at it.
I've been having trouble sleeping lately. It's a frustrating ordeal, but let me assure you...
I won't rest until I've chugged all the Nyquil in the house.
A teen just got her driver’s license but was soon pulled over for speeding. “Please identify yourself,” said the officer after she rolled down the window.
She glanced in the rear view mirror and said, “Yes, Officer, that’s me!”
The police managed to capture the bank robbers and free all nine hostages, thanks to one of the robbers who turned on his mates. When asked for a comment the officer in charge simply said...
A snitch in time saves nine.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me
What do you call it when a police officer pulls over a U-Haul?
Busting a move
Credit goes to my dad for that one.
A guy bursts into his therapist's office and says, "doc, I keep having this horrible nightmare of being smashed inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up and says, "I'm busy. I'll deal with you later."
A police officer turned up at my job this morning
"Do the letters TG mean anything to you?" He asked.
"No"
"What about RP?"
"No they mean nothing to me, " I replied.
"What about AH?" He asked.
"Look," I said, "am I suspected of something?
"No sir," he replied. "These are just initial inquiries."
Why won’t the Avengers work for the post office?
They have poor Vision insurance coverage.
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
I am responsible for this office plant but I don't like having to tend to it almost every day.
Now it's slowly starting to grow on me.
A police officer came to my door today. He told me he was looking for this man with one eye.
I told him it'd probably go a lot faster if he used both.
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician...
I was just sitting there doing nothing.
Did you hear about the big cat who wanted to become a police officer?
He wanted to work in roar enforcement
Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?
Because his Visa didn’t work.
An officer and detective discussing a murder.
Officer: The victims were found sacrificed on an altar made of antlers.
Detective: Dear God!
Officer: Most likely, yes…
Office Depot had their Christmas party last night but there wasn't a lot of dancing going on.
Makes sense because they are a stationary company after all
Did you hear about the arborist who is running for a government office?
My son said, "What rhymes with orange?" I pondered for a while and replied...
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
Here’s a positive post for the new year
So I was acting like a flamingo in the office today when my boss yelled, "hey, quit acting like a flamingo you dummy!"
...and thats when I had to put my foot down.
A guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only cling-wrap as underpants.
The doctor said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Im starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I'll call it...
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
A man walks in to the doctors office all panicked “doctor I’m shrinking!!”
The doctor replies “well sir your going to have to learn to be a little patient”
A full year after being purchased, the defibrillator in our office was still in its original packaging
Is this a Microsoft Office joke? Word!
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink
The bartender says "for you, no charge"
For all my nerds out there
2 guys walk into a bar with their wives and ask for 2 pints of Stella and 2 "girly" drinks
Bartender: 'So that's 4 pints of Stella?'
I'm not known as a jokester, much less dad jokes,.... but I'm now banned from my husband's home office now.
Did you ever wonder why melons have to get married in a huge church wedding and not go to the courthouse like we did?...
....No why....
Because they cantaloupe.
I recently placed a bid for a rifle used in the war by a French officer.
It was in good shape having only been dropped twice in surrender.
What does the “A&W” in A&W Restaurant stand for?
Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit!
A man walks into his dentist’s office for a root canal. To his surprise, she finishes the procedure in just 10 minutes.
He asks: “How did you do that so quickly?”
The dentist replies: “Oh, it’s just a root-tine procedure.”
A man is walking down the hallway in an office building, suddenly a janitor jumps out from behind a closet door, what does he say?
Did you know there was a Greek god who worked in his office?
His name was Cubicles (pronounced cu-bi-klees)
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
A police officer pulled a man over for towing a trailer full of donkeys.
No wonder, the man was haulin' ass.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road…
The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
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