Roommate (who for reference is gay) is putting up the reusable artificial Christmas tree with a group of friends. He steps back to look at his work, then turns around and asks “maybe it’s me, but this tree doesn’t look straight”
Me: “probably because it just came out of the closet”
Mediocrites.
To care for his cat, he uses Kit-E.
I smoked a cigarettes and I used a timer to recorded the duration: yeah, I took 5 minutes and 52 seconds to smoke one cigarette, very close to the average 6 minutes.
Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.
Because they’re not lion cheetahs.
A E, I O U
Curiosity killed the cat :(
"Hello caller 1 what's your word?"
"Goan"
"Goan? I've never heard that one before. Use it in a sentence"
"Goan fuck yourself"
Immediately hangs up and apologies to the listeners.
"Hello caller 2 what's your word?"
"Smee"
"Smee? That's a new one on me. Use it in a sentence please"
'Smee again... goan fuck yourself"
Set myself more goals.
Take advantage of that as much as you can.
He’s an octa puss now
Automatic Doors
Apparently everyone will pass.
Staring blankly for a moment and wondering if the gift had been truly granted the man said to himself, "Fuck, I shoulda taken the money."
I guess you can say we’re friends with benefits
Kappa Mu
But it was too draining
He needs a change of peso.
A calculator
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.
so here goes...
(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)
daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?
me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?
daughter: elizabeth-gramma.
me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?
(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)
daughter: don't know, who?
me: my mum.
(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)
I just love watching the frogress.
Hmm...my racehorses really do have some strange names.
He must have had a re-hearse-al.
Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.
Mom: Why don't you use the trowel?
Me: Let's just call a spade a spade.
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
...I don't care if they both are!
They were Goodyear’s
I told him I wrote a paper about Dracula. His response was "Did it suck?"
I'm undead now.
That's naan ya business.
Is an explanation really necessary for this?
Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.
Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.
Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!
After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.
The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.
Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.
BZZZZZZ
Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.
BZZZZZZ
Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.
Guard : "Excuse me um, J
... keep reading on reddit ➡I have a feeling that his end is afoot.
It was at a baseball game.
The first guy replies, “Oh, Willy?”
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
...I don't care if they both are.
