So my fiancée came home from work earlier this week, clearly upset. I asked what was wrong and she went on to tell me about how she accidentally ran over a duck.
In an attempt to comfort her, my compassionate and empathetic self responds with, "well I guess it's safe to say the duck suffered from a quacked skull huh?"
She was not amused.
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2016/11/23/watch-live-president-obama-pardons-his-final-thanksgiving-turkey/94346928/
Wife: The kids moved my bookmark.
Me: all these years and you haven’t learned my name is Austin.
Wife stared at me blankly for a few moments and then went on with her day. Lol
Because without them he could Nazi.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
Pun in ten ded.
Because it’s not Stroganoff.
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
Finnish Hymns
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Most of my victims are unresponsive.
Who’s there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery
But when I do, he laughs.
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
Because it's just a Bat, man!
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
"No, it kills them."
My family is on the mailing list for the National Arbor Day Foundation, so we get begging letters from time to time.
In the most recent one, there was an additional flier that had the phrase "Hurry! You don't want to leave behind all the great benefits of being a member of the Arbor Day Society!"
I was immediately disappointed that they didn't say "You don't want to LEAF behind..." I then got SUPER excited to tell this joke to my wife who was in the other room, so I run in to tell her the joke, but by that point, I was so jazzed about the leaf pun, I completely forgot the rest of the phrase, so all I could babble out was (and this is literally what I said) "Something something LEAF! Something something something," all the while giggling like a madman. I have not heard the end of it.
Police think it might be race related.
We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.
“Wow!” I said. “Was it some big corporation?”
“No.” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2ti69w/tifu_by_taking_my_dad_to_the_supermarket_and/
I read this and figured you guys would like to read this too.
My pop just dropped this one via text message:
I used Red Bull instead of water to make my coffee this morning... Got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡You have my word.
(My dad put wrote this on the fridge, pls don't kill)
This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.
A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.
"What would you like for your last meal?"
"I would like a banana please."
The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.
A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.
"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"
"Two bananas please."
The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.
Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.
"Let me guess. Three bananas?"
"Actually yes! How did you know?"
"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."
So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.
"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"
"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
One Buck
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
Everyone gets it.
but you didn't like it...
