FiancΓ©e was distraught about killing a duck... tried cheering her up with a dad joke.

So my fiancΓ©e came home from work earlier this week, clearly upset. I asked what was wrong and she went on to tell me about how she accidentally ran over a duck.

In an attempt to comfort her, my compassionate and empathetic self responds with, "well I guess it's safe to say the duck suffered from a quacked skull huh?"

She was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ih8YourCat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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Anakin killing youngling jokes will never get old, but neither will those younglings.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taldius175
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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Prez Obama pardons turkeys but not the dad jokes, he's killing them

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2016/11/23/watch-live-president-obama-pardons-his-final-thanksgiving-turkey/94346928/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amacvar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
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Killed the bookmark joke today!

Wife: The kids moved my bookmark.

Me: all these years and you haven’t learned my name is Austin.

Wife stared at me blankly for a few moments and then went on with her day. Lol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carper5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Why did Hitler wear eye glasses?

Because without them he could Nazi.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ferventlycavalier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.

She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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How would you summarize : "A pun walked into a bar and killed ten jokes."

Pun in ten ded.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Jokes about murders aren't funny

Unless they're properly executed, that it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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What keeps sheep up at night

Velcro fences

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beefcake333
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Why is β€œbeefstew” an unsafe password to use?

Because it’s not Stroganoff.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peytonmi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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kinda suspect they killed the old chef to make that joke
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N_M96
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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Look at that guy Russian to kill the joke
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Devanshi1618
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/calvinweight
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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I kill people with my dad jokes...

Most of my victims are unresponsive.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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Changed all my passwords to Kenny.

Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pugglepoops
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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The Nordic music store has a category just for Mortal Kombat.

Finnish Hymns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I don’t usually tell dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slikisl3git
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Knock knock

Who’s there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyBoyMcFly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, "What's wrong?". She screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sexxc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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ok..
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sadqwer123
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Math puns!
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza".

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baguettesniper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Why does a baseball bat have no parents?

Because it's just a Bat, man!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

"No, it kills them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture... I told her I’m just looking for matches.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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A dad joke so bad (good?) it killed my brain

My family is on the mailing list for the National Arbor Day Foundation, so we get begging letters from time to time.

In the most recent one, there was an additional flier that had the phrase "Hurry! You don't want to leave behind all the great benefits of being a member of the Arbor Day Society!"

I was immediately disappointed that they didn't say "You don't want to LEAF behind..." I then got SUPER excited to tell this joke to my wife who was in the other room, so I run in to tell her the joke, but by that point, I was so jazzed about the leaf pun, I completely forgot the rest of the phrase, so all I could babble out was (and this is literally what I said) "Something something LEAF! Something something something," all the while giggling like a madman. I have not heard the end of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crepusculi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
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Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. [X-post from /r/Jokes]

Police think it might be race related.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChuckieC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
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Even though Spongebob is the main character, Patrick is the star.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theboppops
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Windy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boolbaga
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mer-edith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroYo10101
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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(XPOST from TIFU, not mine) PSA: Try not to tell so many amazing jokes that you accidentally kill someone.

http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2ti69w/tifu_by_taking_my_dad_to_the_supermarket_and/

I read this and figured you guys would like to read this too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chuckgofer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
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A cushy one
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. β€œWhen I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”...

β€œWow!” I said. β€œWas it some big corporation?”

β€œNo.” He replied, β€œI mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IvanDimitriov
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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My dad finally found he can send jokes via text message. Someone kill me now.

My pop just dropped this one via text message:

I used Red Bull instead of water to make my coffee this morning... Got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XKMLP
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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My professor puts jokes on the board before class
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timesuck47
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down.

You have my word.

(My dad put wrote this on the fridge, pls don't kill)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waterycereal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?

Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark’s family?

One Buck

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukethekiwininja
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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I have a joke about time travel

but you didn't like it...

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewantedgr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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