Joking Apart Puns

But that’s another story.

Now we don't even have a toot in common.

Her: Babe, I'm starving, I haven't even ate yet.

Me: Well, maybe you should have an odd seven first.

"Ain't those lumpy farts the shits?"

This is my favorite joke my dad told me. He passed away 11 years ago. When we were cleaning out his stuff, I found a blank book where he had written a bunch of dumb one-liners and favorite quotes. I photocopied them, cut them apart, and gave my sisters each an envelope full of dad's wisdom. I wish I could have seen their faces when they pulled this one out!

My sister gave me one of his old cowboy hats this week, so I've been wearing it a lot and thinking of him. Hope y'all got a chuckle out of this one.

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."

(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

A little context first: What's known as an "apartment" in the US is generally referred to as a "flat" in the UK. My dad lives in a flat and has a cat. Without a doubt any time anyone talks to my dad this exchange happens:

Person: Do you like locally?
Dad: I live in the flats near the river. Just me and my cat.
Person: Oh, you have cat?
Dad: Yes. She's called Pancake.
Person: That's nice, but why did you name her Pancake?
Dad: Because she's not a house cat... she's a flat cat.

Despite the fact that he's proudly said this joke dozens, if not hundreds, of times, he still cracks up as he says it like it's the funniest joke ever invented.

Had bought 6yo new shoes. They were still tied together with elastic. He brings them out the next morning to the kitchen

6yo: Dad, can you cut these apart so I can wear them? Hubby: Hang on, I'm just making a sandwich. I'm hungry. 6yo: Hi Hungry, I'm (6yo). OOOOHHHHHH DAD JOKE! I GOT YOU!!!

Our boy loves dad jokes!

We were helping an old lady move out of her apartment when my dad decides to get funny. He takes a clock off the wall and holds it out of the door and says "time out." We all just give him a stare and then he holds up the clock and says "I guess times up for these jokes." I just shook my head and decided I can't wait to be a dad.

Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.

I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.

He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.

Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.

"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."

This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.

Thanks Dad.

This was one of her favorite jokes she loved to tell: One day, a man was walking home after a long day at work. As he waited for a crosswalk signal, he glanced back and noticed a coffin standing down the block. "Odd," he thought, but he ignored it and continued home. He turned the corner and managed to catch a glimpse of the coffin again. This time is was closer to him... like it was following him. He picked up his pace and ran into his apartment complex. The coffin was right behind him. In a fright, he dashed up the stairs to his place, locked the door and barricaded himself in the bathroom. Thud, thud, thud! The coffin was banging on the bathroom door. The man frantically looked for something to defend himself. Just as the coffin busted through the door, the man grabbed some cough syrup from the medicine cabinet, threw it at the coffin ... and the coffin stopped.

Girlfriend's dad told this joke as he was leaving and laughed his way out of her apartment:

A penguin walks into a bar and says, "Hey there, I'm looking for my dad. Have you seen him?"

The bartender says, "What does he look like?"

Background: I'm living in Germany and have a German roommate who can speak some English. He did Realschule (completed 10th grade), but mostly ditched classes. I try to teach him when I can and vice versa.

We were watching Walking Dead. The episode was right after the prison gets stormed. Rick and Carl lock themselves in a house, and Carl ties a knot that he's super proud of... Blablabla... A few minutes later, knot is quickly falling apart as zombies try to break in.

I absentmindedly said: "Cool knot, bro" Roommate: "(K)not cool, bro"

I just looked at him with a mixture of surprise, pride, and wondering still if he knows what a dad joke is.

My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine "panty dropper" when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know?

Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart.

"I can tell them apart by their balls,"

And we're all like, "Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already," but he finishes the joke; "One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night,"

I was catering a wedding and this dad joke was given during the dad's speech:

Dad: "When they got engaged, my wife and I went out to look for a present to get them to congratulate them. My wife thought the best gift idea would be to purchase them a water bed. I said, 'A water bed?! They'll drift apart!'"

Classic dad joke.

Not an actual told by dad joke, but it was definitely along those lines. So, Skyping with SO and friend from Canada, and SO and I are talking about moving in together and finding an apartment. I made the suggestion that my best friend move in with us, the following conversation ensues.

Me: The only issue I have with her moving in is... Oliver.

Friend: Uh...

SO: Friend has child.

F: Oh. I thought the only issue you had with her was all of her.

My mom and dad are funeral directors, and we live in an apartment on top of the shop.

I was at a friends house yesterday, and my dad came around to pick me up. The friends house is like far out into the woods, so it's kinda hard to find, but he got in on the first try. So I got in the car and this conversation happened:

 

Thanks for picking me up, glad you could find the place.

>No problem, it's what I do for a living

??

>I get called up in the middle of the night, get in my car and drive to some house I've never been to before

...

>Then I pick someone up who needs my help, drive them all the way back to the shop and feel that I've done something good this night.

 

He's the only person I know that is able to joke around this much about his profession. It's pretty darn cool!

My wife and I had just left our apartment the other day and were walking down the street towards the ferry stop. It was getting quite cloudy and windy, and wife says:

"Did you check the weather before we left?"

I said "No, I'll check now."

And then I looked directly up at the sky and stood there like that for a second until she got the joke. I had my (smart)phone in my hand at the time, so I'm sure she thought I was about to look it up on that.