My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good

Jack and the beans talk

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnr_jinx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the kidnapper say to his partner?

Hi-Jack

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ziad4826
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?

Because Jack's beanstalking him.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krushaybhavsar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Who can X-Men and circus performers call to lift their large vehicles?

Huge jack men

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Our two buddies Bean and Jack was arrested yesterday for harassing women.

Jack and the Bean stalk.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Just taught my 6yr old calculus and advanced physics. Amazing what kids can learn.

Which happens to be jack shit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Komone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend’s cat, Jack, recently discovered the Amazon box lying on the floor. He jumped in and started playing in it. I guess you can say....

He’s Jack in the box.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsmeeeskai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
An electrician, a mecanician and an informatician are making a roadtrip

They're in a car in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, the car starts making noise and stops completely.

The electrician quickly says: it must be the spark plugs! I will take a look and change them.

The mecanician responds : no it's the transmission! I gotta jack the car and make sure the clutch is ok.

The informatician confidently asks: what if we just get out of the car and come right back in?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaWitcher1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What is ducks favorite snack?

Quacker Jacks

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Punjabi polymath who makes flatbread for a living?

He's a jack of all trades, master of naan.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s my right to cheese

Don't be blue, this will be over soon. I don't typically share my political views online, but I am very PROvolone. I think every manchego has a right to choose. Some people may think I am a muenster for this. I am not just some liberal Monterey Jack. If you Havarti another point of view, it's a gouda idea to share it too.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunOverdose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believe the lights in the public bathroom went out

now i can't see Jack shit

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yesterdaddy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
In a village, far far away, two farmers often had a competition within themselves to see who harvests the most every 6 months.

After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...

"You reap what you saw".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiSatthar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you steal a coat?

You jack it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-random-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a logger who's ripped?

Lumber-jacked.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayce_likes_beans
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Mexican donkey?

A Jack-Ese.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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You really should be careful not to leave your coat laying around.

You never know when someone might jack it.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2shack
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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The other day my friend asked me what my favourite workout was

I said, "jack squat, I do it all day".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A few days ago i was on a plane.

When i got on, i saw my friend Jack, so I yelled "Hi Jack" and for some reason, everyone dropped to the floor.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeBrowser227
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you steal a hoodie?

You jack-et

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/betchhxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cannibal die of starvation?

Because he didn't eat Jack this whole month.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justkill43
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently had breakfast with Tenacious D while playing a game of cards

Nothing like playing blackjack with Jack Black over a stack of flapjacks

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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I just stole a bunch of wood from Home Depot

It was a lumber jack

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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I was in a lucid dream yesterday. I told my mom after that I turned into Micheal Jackson. She said, β€œare you high, son?”

I said, β€œno, I’m Micheal Jack son”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beninja_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
You can say 'hi' to everyone on a plane except one...

Jack

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kortbug2000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatphotoguy89
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A ghost walks into a bar...

and orders a Jack and Coke, barkeep says β€œsorry, we don’t serve spirits here”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ericmc80
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a strong pumpkin?

A Jacked-o-Lantern

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nintendo-Nerd27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy who can lift a car?

Jack

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-TicTicBoom-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Me and my friend Jack were walking down the street.

He stopped and pointed to something on the ground, "What's that?" He asked. I replied, "That's a cracker, Jack."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yelDragon8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
3 Muslim women walk into Hungry Jacks

One is dressed entirely in bright pink, another neon green, and another in gorgeous gold.

A man ordering food at the counter notices them and asks the employee why they are wearing such bright colours, to which the employee responds:

"The burkas are better at Hungry Jack's"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kie723
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Halloween Math

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by it's diameter?

Pumpkin Pi

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyHusbandisFBI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My son can fix all your plumbing, bring your electrical up to code and handle any framing or carpentry you could imagine

His name is Jack

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emeri5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when two guys named Jack are about to fight?

A Jack off

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBdahIslandman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Jack And Joe Enter A Plane

Everybody starts running around and screaming.

Why?

Because Joe said, "Hi Jack!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AV990
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
New TV Show Puns

I put up Punderdome cards on my door every day. Today's cards were too much fun not to share. What else can you come up with?

https://preview.redd.it/fru7gc2epjo21.jpg?width=2160&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=370a3ac0776b86863ed4ec133f9b667ec190566f

Project Run-a-way

America's Next Top Money Launderer

Keeping Up with the Car-Jackings

Naked & Public Exposure

My Solitary Confinement Life

The Real House-arrest Wives

The Great British Breaking & Entering

So You Think You Can Drink & Drive?

America's Got Theft

Pawn(ing Stolen Goods) Stars

Jersey Shore You Should Steal That Car

Who Wants to be an Arrested Felon?

Say Yes to the Drugs

Arson Daily

What else do can you think of?!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leash15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I know a guy, Jack, who can talk to vegetables

Jack and the beans talk

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL Jack can communicate with vegetables...

Jack and the beans talk...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a friend named Jack that can talk to vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk!!!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkDG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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