My friend is getting her boobs done, need help with a good pun
I'm going to get some flowers delivered for her, just need a good pun to top it off.
Help
This is my shitty recreation of an amazing pun I saw here a long time ago (unfortunately I can't remember the author)
my four-year old daughter is gonna be a great dad one day
Her: We voted today at school!
Me: Oh yeah? What did you vote on?
Her: A piece of paper.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree! We’re saved!” He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.
A teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “Hijkm” she says “I’m sorry, I’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. A girl raises her hand and says...
“That’s me, and it’s pronounced Noelle”
Taken from r/memes but I feel like it is a pun tho
Post Malone is starting a pay day loan company..
It's going to be called Post Pone Ma Loan.
(I'll see myself out).
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
If a PRO is the opposite of a CON...
What is the opposite of Progress?
What is a tree's favorite type of math?
My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is absolutely insanely high and that he’s going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.
I told him “Fine, my door is always open.”
Is that a pun, or am I just sour?
Since Mario was made by Nintendo, a Japanese company, Mario is Japanese. First name Mario, last name Itsumi.
What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a painting
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.”With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen,
What is the worst name for a hair salon?
Life Pro Tip: If a sushi restaurant is giving you a discount, don’t take it.
You’re getting….a raw deal.
What dinosaur is known for riding a bike without a seat?
Megasaurass
My 7 and 12 year old laughed so hard the 12 year old peed. Mom was not impressed.
Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called “One two three”, the other “Un deux trois”. Which cat won?
“One two three” because “Un deux trois cat sank”.
Did you know every 4th fish in a Koi pond is fake?
The real fish will be labeled A, B, and C.
The fake one will be the D Koi
Is this a worthy pun? I think Sith'll do...
You know when birds fly in a V formation but one side is longer than the other? You know why that is?
Because there's more birds on that side.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet.
He's an extremely aggressive cleaner.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
After 25 years of working, my wife is now a stay at home mom.
Her ashes are in the urn on the mantle.
My wife is happy to make a new pair of pants for me.
Or at least sew its seams.
My brother who is an electrician got a gender reassignment surgery.
I now have a trans-sister
Why is it easy to survive on a deserted island?
You can eat all the sandwiches there.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
Had to post for Halloween weekend! Happy Halloween everyone!
If A is for apple and B is for banana, what is C for?
The best way to make an atheist a theist is using the spacebar.
What is a Pirate's favorite letter?
The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
There is no reason to tailgate me while I am doing 75 in a 50
and turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS
What do you call a guy who wears vests and is interested in the stock market?
What part of a military is the most religious?
What is the difference between a rat and a mouse?
A rat doesn't work with your computer.
Got a most satisfying eyeroll when my wife asked me that question.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only three stars.
What is a skeleton's favorite snack?
I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.
I may have a poltrygeist.
what do you call it when someone is being forced to drink a lot of wine?
Why is it risky to give a cow weed?
The steaks would be too high.
You know what a Freudian slip is?
It’s when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.
Why is the devil a very bad swimmer?
Because he is Sin-king forever
You think it's a coincidence that No-Shave November is when it is?
It coincides with the end of Daylight Shavings Time.
When is a door not a door?
Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?
Because the ghosts will
bring the boos.
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