In a basket Puns

It turned out to be a fiasco

Take the s away in safe and the f away in way.

I'm calling it "Fruit by the Soot."

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

Did You Know…

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed In.

This is done by the chip monks.

I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking

What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?

The other day I was at a DIY shop, buying various tools for around the house. In my basket was a hammer, and when it travelled along the conveyor belt and reached the checkout girl I shouted 'Stop!'.

She just looked at me blankly, and I was too embarrassed to finish the joke.

The judge told her she was going to hell in a hand basket.

I've got a bad habit of piling up shirts next to the bed. Well tonight I finally picked them up and took them to the laundry room and put them in an empty basket. I then went on about my merry way.

A few minutes later my wife yell, "Where did all these shirts come from?!?!"

I yelled back, "I don't know, probably Bangladesh!"

I could hear her eyes rolling as well as something about being a smart ass.

I'll preface this by mentioning I'm 5'5".

At the grocery store this afternoon I couldn't reach the very last of the strawberry Yop pushed wayyyy back on the very top shelf in the refrigeration aisle, so I basically had to drop my basket and scale the damn thing to reach the last three bottles. Tall guy near me observes this.

Tall guy: Can I give you a hand? Me: Actually I could use a couple of feet.

I came home and told my husband. He looked at me and said "And you're actually proud of yourself!" Haha!

My family loves rolls, breadsticks, etc at restaurants (who doesn't?). We usually finish off the first basket quickly.

Waitress: Is everything okay?

Dad: No, I think there was a hole in the basket. Can we get more?

Waitress: (confused look) Oh, uh, haha, sure.

Every. Time.

Co-worker and I were talking about his contract here, and if he's heard anything about the position here at work. He told me he hasn't, but that he has some other interviews coming up.

"I don't want to keep all my eggs in one basket" he tells me.

"That's right." I reply. "You should keep them in the fridge so they don't spoil!"

Dad: Don't leave food in your car.

Me: I checked. No food. Not even a picnic basket. I wonder if insurance would cover bear attacks?

Dad: I checked, you have bear minimum insurance lol

Since its easter, lots of people buying chocolate eggs.

Two women came up to my checkout with their items, which included a dozen chicken eggs and a few packets of chocolate eggs. As I put the chicken eggs in a bag, one of them asked if I'd be able to put the easter eggs in with them too. So of course I asked, "why would you want all of your eggs in one basket?!"

Only one of them got it without me having to explain it... :/

Dad: "You know what they call basket holders?"

Me: "...What?"

Dad: "Basket cases!"

This was followed by him laughing hysterically while I stared in disbelief. He asked my to share it on this subreddit when I told him about it.

He put all his eggs in one basket...

Before our meal came out, the waiter had brought out a fruit basket with your typical fruit in. My dad picks up a green grape and a purple grape and just stares at them.

Me: "dad, what are you doing?"

Dad: "heh, what did the green grape say to the purple grape?"

Me: "uh, I don't know..."

Dad: "BREATHE, IDIOT!!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!"

My mom thought it was th funniest shit ever.

We've been trying to eat healthier so we got a bunch of fresh produce at the store. I put some squash in the front of the basket where the coupons were and my wife said, "Oh man, you squashed my coupons."

We went shopping and we're only supposed to pick up a few things but my dad kept putting stuff in the basket I was carrying. When we got to the register...

Me: I'll pay for my stuff, is that it? Well really you should buy it as a tip for carrying your stuff the whole time.

Him: don't bet on the horses, there's your tip.

This is actually a two-in-one deal as both my step dad and dad were involved with the joke. My family and I were watching my sister's basketball game and one of her teammates hit her head on the court.

Stepdad: "She looks disoriented I guess she's seeing double."

Dad: "So every basket should count as 4 points."

Dad is wearing his favorite vest, and grabs a mint out of the basket as we are leaving a restaurant. He casually slips the mint into a pocket of his vest and says, "That's the best in-vest-mint i've ever made!"

bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off my bike, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the whiskey and then rode home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home!

His post, which I took at face value until the DJ:

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

(got this from my dad, in a chain email no less.)

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks!