My mother has always been a staunch supporter of the LGBT movement. In fact, back in the 80s, she even told me that one day, β€œout and proud” people would have an entire month of celebration!

Mama said there’d be gays like this!

Happy Pride Month, y’all. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fuzzus628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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I'm not impressed with the people who organize the New Year's celebration in Times Square

They always drop the ball.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisGuy21321
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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I hear there aren't enough bathrooms for the NYE celebration in Time Square.

They really dropped the ball on that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepobv
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.

Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AFonziScheme
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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Who is the most popular celebrity in Scandinavia?

Harrison Fjord.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lazarusrex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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Lunar new year in Vietnam is celebrated with lion dances, dragon dances, fireworks, family gatherings and meals, ancestor worship, and giving red envelopes to children and the elderly.

Thank you for coming to my TαΊΏt talk.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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Who was the only celebrity with four body parts in his name?

Tony Hancock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitcoinBanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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What a sexist society we live in, today is National Daughter's Day and it's celebrated once a year.....

But we celebrate Son day every week!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heybuddy313
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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My daughter: I'm turning 32 next week so I want to celebrate in a big way

Me: Okay but don't get your hopes up we're only going to celebrate for half a minute.

She: What? Why?

Me: Because it's your thirty-second birthday

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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?

Momorial Day

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I wrote an epic poem with only one line.

It's in celebration of the universe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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A salutary lesson. Posted to r/jokes, probably more Dad-like

Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.

One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.

It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.

The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.

The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_jq
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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I really wish I had made a pun about how we celebrate New Years Eve in Times Square.

I really dropped the ball on that one.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajd011394
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?

Black Friday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justainsel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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Just realized why we celebrate Pride month in the summer.

Because pride cometh before the Fall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeriousMichael
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was GoldschlΓ€ger

Weird flecks, but ok.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeCoT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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I once got lost in the desert and thought I saw a celebrity in the distance

Turns out it was just a Nicki Mirage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leejoness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Happy Birthday Beethoven

In honor of Ludwig von Beethoven's 250th birthday ...

What is Beethoven doing to celebrate his 250th birthday?

He's decomposing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/warpdrve
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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A celebrity chef had a fire in his kitchen.

It was Guy Fire-i

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simongoose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report
The twelve days of Jokemas, day twelve

What is Santa's favorite part of celebrating Christmas every year?

It's in the present

Merry Christmas everyone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Do you know about the TV channel where they dissolve celebrities and musicians in acid?

It's called PH1.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suppiluliuma_2
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2017
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Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Giovanni469
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Who here believes in telekinesis?

Raise my hand.

(Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbkaplan3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Everybody, let's not forget what they celebrate in France tomorrow

French Friday

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2016
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My 77 year old dad said this last night

So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, β€œYou and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, β€œYou can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/droppedwhat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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If everyone in America celebrates Easter…

Do others celebrate Wester?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YJCH0I
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
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My mom got us all last night

My family ate out in celebration of my sister graduating. On the way out, my mom grabbed a mint and tried to open it, but the package ripped and it went flying. She looked at the ground, sighed, and said, "well, I guess it wasn't mint to be."

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
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President John Tyler may have been the father of the Dad Joke

Some Background Info

On March 4, 1841, William Henry Harrison became the 9th President of the United States, with John Tyler as his VP. Exactly one month later, Harrison died, leaving Tyler as the 10th President of the United States. Tyler was elected as a Whig, but chose many Democrats to work in his administration, and often made decisions in the Democratic favor. This made the Whig party angry, and while the Democrats liked some of his actions, they didn't love him. At the end of his presidency, the Whigs were not going to support reelection efforts, and the democrats just liked other people more. This earned him the nickname, "The President Without A Party."

The Dad Joke

At the very end of his presidency, Mrs. First Lady wanted to have celebration. She invited lots of people over, and they all had a good time on Tyler's lawn. Tyler stood on his balcony, looking over all the people have a joyous time when he announced, "Never again can anybody say that I was a president without a party!" and giggled his way into retirement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cat_attack_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
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My 5-year-old niece is a little shit.

We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"

"Sure. What game?"

"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."

Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".

She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."

I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...

"Yes. Those are all words."

You little shit.


Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."

2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_E_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
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A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"

Nothing

Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"

Doesn't crack a smile

Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"

Clown starts to get nervous

Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"

Blank look

Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"

Yawn

Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"

Annoyed

Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"

grasping at straws

Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"

He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Did any of my jokes make you laugh?"

Man says "No pun-in-ten-did"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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A joke that takes a while to evolve

To celebrate the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, the scientific community joined together for a party. As is common at such gatherings, the Biologists began to argue about what species was the most suited to its environment. Finally after much heated debate, a group of scientists pledged to spend the rest of the year exhaustively researching the Biological record to once and for all determine which creature was the ultimate example of adaptivity and proficiency ever to live.

Yesterday, the results were announced at the National Academy of Sciences. The creature identified as the most adaptive and proficient in Earth's history was a previously unknown animal from the Mesozoic era, a water dwelling insect that thrived for a hundred million years.

It was ... a FishAnt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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I recently became a buddhist...

... but I still celebrate Christmas. So when December comes around I sit under the Christmas tree, wrap myself in wrapping paper and live in the present. 🎁🌲

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Bloke
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
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Fruits and veggies

Orange you glad I came up with these grape and un-beet-able puns? Cauliflower (call a flower) shop. In celebration! It’s just bananas, and will drive you coco and nuts!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmiddleton6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spacecatapult
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
🚨︎ report

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