My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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The baby sheep got out of their pen and I impulsively grabbed a sheep with my right hand and a sheep with my left...

I guess I'm just lambidextrous...

I'll show y'all to the door.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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My doctor prescribed me ointment for my impulsiveness.

He said it would help with my rash decisions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TraditionSmashed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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When I wanted to buy a helicopter, my wife said I shouldn't make impulsive purchases.

I said, "You're right! I should take it out for a spin first."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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My wife is complaining that I’m too impulsive.

How would she know? We just met yesterday!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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At our town's 4th of July fireworks show, a vendor was selling pet turtles. My wife, impulsive animal lover that she is, bought one.

After the fireworks, we were gathering up our things to leave. She asked if her new turtle was OK. I picked up its little carrier, peered inside, and said, "It looks a little shell-shocked."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlmostDisjoint
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
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I am trying to come up with a joke about momentum

But I just can’t seem to get it going.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EggShellBuddyPal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Got the waitress at P.F. Chang's good a couple weeks ago.

I was out for a nice dinner at P.F. Chang's with a couple buddies to celebrate my birthday. I had decided to order the Shaking Beef, because it sounded delicious (and it was).

The waitress came to take our orders, got to me, and I asked for the Shaking Beef. When she asked how I wanted it, out of impulse, I replied "Shaking, not stirred".

Both of my buddies groaned and gave me shit for the rest of the night, but the waitress laughed, so it went okay. I was, and still am, proud.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ‘€︎ u/ProcrastinHater
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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What does a solid rocket booster have in common with a kleptomaniac?

Poor impulse control.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ‘€︎ u/blindfire40
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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Not necessarily a dad joke, but a good retiree joke/brief story just using that wit.

A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thefluffydinosaur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Instant Message Excerpt:

This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.

ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.

HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?

ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.

HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.

ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.

HIM: Don't want much, do you?

ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2015
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My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 309
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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