Eventually she came around.
I guess I'm just lambidextrous...
I'll show y'all to the door.
He said it would help with my rash decisions.
I said, "You're right! I should take it out for a spin first."
How would she know? We just met yesterday!
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
After the fireworks, we were gathering up our things to leave. She asked if her new turtle was OK. I picked up its little carrier, peered inside, and said, "It looks a little shell-shocked."
But I just can’t seem to get it going.
I was out for a nice dinner at P.F. Chang's with a couple buddies to celebrate my birthday. I had decided to order the Shaking Beef, because it sounded delicious (and it was).
The waitress came to take our orders, got to me, and I asked for the Shaking Beef. When she asked how I wanted it, out of impulse, I replied "Shaking, not stirred".
Both of my buddies groaned and gave me shit for the rest of the night, but the waitress laughed, so it went okay. I was, and still am, proud.
Poor impulse control.
A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.
ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.
HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?
ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.
HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.
ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.
HIM: Don't want much, do you?
ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.
HIM: boo HISS
Eventually she came around.