I think my towel has a crush on me because whenever I rub it on me it gets wet
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I get wet every time i shop for produce at my local supermarket.

The place is full of leeks.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/shade168
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
If you place all currently living people on the equator around the Earth,

at equal distance from each other,


most of them would get wet and some will surely drown

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/username_matches
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was recording some audio for homework

Him: "Reasons that doing research underwater can be difficult include..."

Me (from my office): "the paper will get too wet!"

Him: "UGH!" stops and restarts recording

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when you drop a red hat in a blue ocean?

It gets wet

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/WiiSexDolphin
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad's been busy


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;


  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy with wet feet enters a bar

The barman asks : Why are your feet wet?
The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood.

A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes.

The barman asks: Why are you wet?
The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood.

A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes.

The barman asks: Why are you wet?
The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood.

A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet.

The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?!
The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyNumber1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Got my wife first thing in the morning.

I woke up and took a drink of water (this tends to make my mustache a lil wet). I roll over and wake my wife with a passionate g'morning kiss to which she exclaims "Jesus! You got water all over me." My reply was simple "You can call me Jesus, I appear to be able to turn water into whine."

Edit* OMG! This is top post on r/dadjokes! I'm glad I can get a chuckle with you guys. I also fixed words.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrozenLizards
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
🚨︎ report
A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Any tips for playing pool?

Last night I was being demolished by a friend while playing. In the middle of the game, my dad (who’s an excellent pool player) calls me. I pick up and tell him I’m losing at pool and need a pro tip from him. He tells me:

Don’t get wet...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/CricketPancakeMix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.

How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone

What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.

Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!

Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.

Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.

How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.

If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.

I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium

What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe

What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A β€˜gram’ cracker.

What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)

What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.

How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a β€œcarbonkneel”

What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.

How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na

Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.

Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down

Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
🚨︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Watching golf

I was watching golf on tv with my dad when I was younger....

Me: "What happens if the ball goes in the water?"

dad: "It gets wet"

πŸ‘︎ 224
πŸ‘€︎ u/bradradio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
Made an unintentional dad joke last night.

My wife comes into the room where I'm changing our first son, and says, "Whats up."

I, busy and slightly frustrated with his wet clothes replied, "Urine trouble."

Afraid that this was indication of her bad mothering she asked, "What did I do?"

Took us a couple minutes to get through that one.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSmashPosterGuy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2015
🚨︎ report
My 4 year old made a Dad joke after urinating on the floor.

After getting him in trouble we asked, "So you're not going to wet on your bedroom floor again, right?"

He looked down and said, "Nope. I'll just do it in someone else's bedroom." Then looked up and grinned. He'll be a good Dad someday.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mablun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
🚨︎ report
Here's a long one, it won't disappoint.

My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):

These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.




The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.

"What the hell is that noise?"

"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."

"The Foo bird?"

"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."

"That's silly."

"Well, that's what the locals say."

The noise gets louder and closer.




The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.

"It's huge!"



All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.

The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."

He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.

The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"

He wipes it off and drops dead.

The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.

A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.

"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."

He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.

He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.

The moral of the story is:

If the Foo shits, wear it.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/fire_marshall_ill
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Don't get wet...

I'd announce to my family that "I'm going to take a shower," or "I'm off to swim practice" and my dad would instinctively respond, every single time... "don't get wet." For some reason, it was hilarious to him! And now I say it to my housemates...

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ‘€︎ u/MAtoDC
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2013
🚨︎ report
You're not allowed to swim while it's raining

You'll get wet

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jalen2612
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2016
🚨︎ report
4th of July Dad Joke

We had bought some snake fireworks for my two year old to look at. Our driveway was wet from all of the rain we were getting. We found a piece of wood to lay down so the fireworks didn't get wet. That's when I said "Look! It's snakes on a plank!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmo78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad's favorite spooky Halloween joke

My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.

Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.

My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.

At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!

We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.

Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!

Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm not a dad, but i think these jokes I thought of belong here

Q: how does the mitochondria communicate with the ribosomes A: cell phone

Q: what happened when the noodles were getting everyone wet? A: they had to be re-strained

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
🚨︎ report
In the public restroom...

My dad (57) and I (17) were washing our hands after taking care of business in the public restroom of our local grocery store. The sinks were automatic, the kind you don't have to touch. After wetting my hands and getting some soap, my sink shut off and his kept running. I could not get mine to turn back on as he rinsed his mitts. As I struggle to get it back on by waving my hands my dad grabs some paper towel and looks at me with the most serious expression and he says "Ever feel like you're... Invisible?" Then giggles like a schoolgirl out the door.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/SergeantSwordfish
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
🚨︎ report
I like to collect the stupid things my family says.

This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.

Sister: My balls are caught in the door!


Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.

**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.

**Grandma**: *grins and nods*

**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.

**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.

**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.

**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.

**Grandpa**: No, $2.

**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.

**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*


**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.

**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.

**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!



**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?

**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?

**Me**:  Wow.


**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.

**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!

**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!

**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!

**ME**: I DID.


**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.

**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...

**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.


*while watching American Idol*

**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.

**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.


**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!


*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*

**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.

**Tyla**: Oh yeah?  Well at least Papa loves weenies!

*Me and Papa look at each other*

**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.


*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off* 

**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?

**Me**: ...Seen what? 

**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.

**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about? 

**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town? 

**Me**: ......


*While driving through Alton one morning* 

**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.

**Me**: Ew.  Coffee is nasty.

**Grandma**: No it isn't!  It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!


*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face* 

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/ziezie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
🚨︎ report
My friend got me in class today...

So we're discussing some of the Indian tribes in my Early American History class today, and he ends class by saying:

"How do you get an Indian wet?

You Tippecanoe."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArranMars
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
🚨︎ report
My great uncle just dadjoked me with this email.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you

can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be

driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends,

family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much

on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit

there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to

stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin

flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's

an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.


My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty

things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another. I hope everyone is happy in your head -

we're all doing pretty well in mine!

Just kidding. All my travel plans are to doctors and the bathroom.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/dantheman757
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
🚨︎ report
I just got a dadjoke from my childhood.

I was in my single digits, and my dad was taking me for a walk through a frozen park during winter. I kept stepping on top of frozen puddles trying to crack the ice underneath me. Since I was making my pants all wet, after a while my dad started to get really frustrated, and he said "You're on thin ice".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/soraendo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Spring excites me

Sometimes I get so excited that I wet my plants

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ‘€︎ u/lafleur2017
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does dry cat food sell so much better than wet cat food?

Most cats get pretty angry when they're wet.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/HomeForSinner
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Ken goes to the egg factory

A guy name Ken is late for his work at the Egg Factory. As he was running to work, he steps on yellow wet paint and it got all over his shoes and pants. He thought about going back home, but he trudged on. Then as he walked by a building a bucket of red paint spilled all over his hair. His hair was all red and thought about going back home, but he kept on going. Finally, he just needed to cross the street to get to work, but suddenly two trucks, one carrying glue and one carrying feathers, crashed into one another and it got all over Ken. He couldn't go home now since he just needed to cross the street to get to work, and so he did. As he went through the sliding doors, his boss said to him "Gee Ken! Your'e late for work!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElvisEggsly
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad asked me why I had a pair of socks in my glove compartment. β€œYou never know when you’ll need a dry pair of socks” I told him.

β€œSure you do, when the ones your wearing get wet.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/niggety
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What happens when you throw a white hat into the red sea?

It gets wet.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/Excelion27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2017
🚨︎ report
While on a road trip, we saw a stopped train in the rain

I asked my dad if coal can get wet

He replied "if water gets on it, yeah"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/tsoukaholic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Asked my Dad if I could borrow his umbrella

"Ok! just don't get it wet"

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ‘€︎ u/WildPrawn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2014
🚨︎ report
On a rainy day my dad told me my car was getting wet

I quickly ran outside to find my car windows were closed. He told me it was getting 'wet on the outside'.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ‘€︎ u/gatorneedhisgat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad Dadjoked me while I was high

Dad: "Wanna get REALLY stoned?" Me: look of alarm Dad "Drink wet cement"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOtherLena
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
🚨︎ report

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