My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
I am a proud dad today - my son ask me what this Indian bread on top of the fridge is for
I told him it’s Naan of his business
Edit: he could have replied “papa dumb”
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".
Sorry for going on a tangent
So you stopped being friends with me as I am a Trump supporter
Mom: "Are you alright?" Me: "Yes I am...
From his greeting me, I guess I am a regular at my dentist...
He always says, "you know the drill!"
My dentist told me that I am a royal descendant
I was wondering if this group could help me come up with puns for my husbands promotion watch. It’s an omega speedmaster. He loves puns and I am truest bad at them.
People ask me where I am stealing all my dadjokes from
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
Wife: what are your plans for today? Me: I am going to the eye doctor
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
I've had a lot of people telling me that I am incomprehensible
Dudididjdemffhdjddent gesstsgoakrjcuffdvf sdxxvggdffff
Am I funny? Please tell me that I'm funny
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
Here’s an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist.
They’re just optical illusions.
My doctor told me that I am losing my hearing
I haven't heard from him since
“I am irrationally terrified of letters,” my patient told me.
“Are you?” I asked. My patent screamed. “Ohh, I see,” I said. He screamed even louder.
My 10-year old just saw me on Reddit and said this. I am proud.
Dad, do people on Reddit make fun of that sleeping lion song? It’s just a meme away, a meme away.
I was teaching my son to play the piano. He played the Am chord for me.
There are a few things in life that I am okay with letting me down
An elevator is one of them
When someone asks me, how good I am at weightlifting.
I'll always answer, I'm quite strong in that department
My family looked at me weird when I said I am a crossdresser.
"What?" I said and went back upstairs to finish decorating the crucifix.
Me: i am affraid of randomly thrown alphabets
Therapist: are you?
Me : screams
Therapist : oh i see
Me:screaming intensifies
Let me give you my exact location. I am
Omlettin' this eggshibit of eggsellent eggample's of eggsciting and eggstraordinary egg puns. Don't eggsecute me I will take an eggsit. I am eggsausted.
My Father was never proud of me. 😶 One day he asked me. How old are you ??. . I said. I am nine. .
He said. When i was your age. i was ten 😏
William has me wondering if i am or am not.
People tell me I'm funny. I think I am?
Convo between me and a lady friend, what do we think boys? Am I in?
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My wife tells me that I am too indecisive
My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life
Yesterday, my son explained to me in very simple terms that I am an adult but he isn't...
My dad told me this: A Spanish magician went up on stage he said to the crowd I am gonna disappear on the count of 3, Uno, Dos then he disappeared without a trace
My dad called me at 6:30 am today to tell me this. He's in his 50's, I'm 30...
"Good morning, son!"
Hey, Dad, what's up? (Wondering if something bad is up)..
"So, you know why it's never a good idea to get in an argument with your dad?"
(I'm still groggy waking up) Why, Dad?
"Because he already knows all the 'Your Mom' jokes, and you definitely don't want to hear them from him! Ahahahaha!!" /hangs up on me.
Me, as I am headed out the door: 'I'll see you later, dad.'
Dad: 'Turn around and you'll see me now!'
I came home at 3 AM. To break the tension I asked my wife "Orange you glad to see me?"
She told me to go sleep on the apri-cot.
Some girl asked me whether i am a parking ticket
Cause i have FINE written all over me😉😅
My daughter today asked me if they're called sandals because when you wear them you get sand all in between your toes and I am a very proud dad at the moment.
My therapist just told me that I am completely incapable of describing my feelings.
Can’t sat that I’m surprised.
My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
Son:*walks up to me and my wife* Mom and dad I am gay
Wife:Don't.you.dare
Me:trying not to say it
Son:..........
Me:Hi gay,I am dad
I'm finding that as I get older, I am becoming more and more resistant to change. It makes me uncomfortable, and I try to avoid it whenever possible.
I mean, dollar bills are so much easier to carry around.
My doctor me, now that I am getting older, I need to install a bar in my shower.
Me: I am terrified of random letters
Therapist: you are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: I see.
Me: [screams again]
Yesterday, my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't...
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