I'm not sure I am that hungry
π︎ 33
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
I am reading this article that compares all the different versions of The Bible.
There is a lot of cross referencing.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
People say that I am self-centred
But that's enough about them
π︎ 142
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
I don't know why people are concluding that I am constipated.
They just keep telling me that I'm full of shit.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
I am trying to figure out whether that fuel tanker in front of me is full or not.
Your gas is as good as mine.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
I am baffled that the cashier is out of change.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I am convinced that my friend helped someone steal one of my gloves.
He definitely had a hand in it.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".
Sorry for going on a tangent
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I am positive that there is something wrong with Quasimodo's back
Or it could be just a hunch
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I was thinking that I am the kindest person in the world. Then I saw German kids.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
My dentist told me that I am a royal descendant
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
I got friend zoned but being the gentleman that I am, I still have her a dozen roses for Valentineβs Day
π︎ 76
π
︎ Mar 04 2020
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but Iβm sticking to my guns.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 03 2019
I am pulling my hair out to think of that R & B singer who opens doors
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
I am not that good at drawing....
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
Am I funny? Please tell me that I'm funny
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 27 2020
I am asking the last person that was able to ask Regis Philbin a question to please come forward.
I have to know what his final answer was.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
There's this another kind of dip that I am interested in
π︎ 251
π
︎ Oct 26 2019
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.
Him: second best?
Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
I've had a lot of people telling me that I am incomprehensible
Dudididjdemffhdjddent gesstsgoakrjcuffdvf sdxxvggdffff
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
I used to hate the lockdown in the beginning, but now that I have a full fridge, I am ok with it.
Scientists are calling it the Stock Home syndrome.
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 31 2020
I would like to clarify that I am not slutdust
π︎ 36
π
︎ Feb 14 2020
I heard that you can now print a gun off a 3D printer, but I am not impressed.
Iβve had a Canon printer for years.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Sep 01 2018
Hereβs an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist.
Theyβre just optical illusions.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 16 2020
My doctor told me that I am losing my hearing
I haven't heard from him since
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 23 2020
Doctor: Sir, I am sorry to say that you have onomatopoeia... Patient: What is it, doc?
Doctor: Itβs exactly what it sounds like.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 28 2018
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. "Am I homosexual?" Asked the newslady. "Neigh," said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
π︎ 58
π
︎ Oct 11 2019
The only reason I am voting for Elizabeth Warren is that she will bring stability to the White House. She will never be impeached.
She comes with a warranty.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 29 2020
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror"
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
π︎ 211
π
︎ May 12 2019
I am very upset that I just got an F on my essay
The professor asked for it Chicago Style so I turned it in in a deep dish.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 14 2019
I am teaching my kid speed reading and Iβm proud to say that he managed to finish βHarry Potter and the Philosopherβs Stoneβ in an hour and a half.
I know itβs only six words, but itβs a start.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 26 2019
Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? Iβm a high school teacher and am implementing a βphone hotelβ. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it βPhone Hotelβ with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 08 2019
My wife tells me that I am too indecisive
π︎ 89
π
︎ Mar 23 2019
There are so many things that I am looking forward to in the new year...
You could say that my vision is 2020.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 25 2019
I'm gonna bet you 50 bucks that I am no longer addicted to gambling
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 01 2019
My dad found out that I am at risk of failing biology
He told me, βIf you fail at biology, you fail at life.β
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 30 2019
My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jul 21 2019
Yesterday, my son explained to me in very simple terms that I am an adult but he isn't...
π︎ 34
π
︎ Aug 07 2019
I am really embarrassed that I forgot to bring sunscreen to the beach.
π︎ 304
π
︎ Apr 24 2018
I'm finding that as I get older, I am becoming more and more resistant to change. It makes me uncomfortable, and I try to avoid it whenever possible.
I mean, dollar bills are so much easier to carry around.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Apr 30 2014
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but Iβm sticking to my guns.
π︎ 397
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
Yesterday, my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 21 2019
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