I'm not sure I am that hungry
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.

After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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I am reading this article that compares all the different versions of The Bible.

There is a lot of cross referencing.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
People say that I am self-centred

But that's enough about them

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheViralClovers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.

I am now a doctorbater.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I don't know why people are concluding that I am constipated.

They just keep telling me that I'm full of shit.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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I am trying to figure out whether that fuel tanker in front of me is full or not.

Your gas is as good as mine.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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I am baffled that the cashier is out of change.

Makes no cents.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/upsidedownqbert
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I am convinced that my friend helped someone steal one of my gloves.

He definitely had a hand in it.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".

Sorry for going on a tangent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I am positive that there is something wrong with Quasimodo's back

Or it could be just a hunch

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I was thinking that I am the kindest person in the world. Then I saw German kids.

They are clearly Kinder.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phoqkhan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My dentist told me that I am a royal descendant

I get my crown next week

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I got friend zoned but being the gentleman that I am, I still have her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day
πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Da3013
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I am pulling my hair out to think of that R & B singer who opens doors

Alopecia Keys

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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I am not that good at drawing....
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nibba_man69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Am I funny? Please tell me that I'm funny
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sphynx724
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I am asking the last person that was able to ask Regis Philbin a question to please come forward.

I have to know what his final answer was.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_E_L_Bawks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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There's this another kind of dip that I am interested in
πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Devanshi1618
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.

Him: second best?

Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Litpunk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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I've had a lot of people telling me that I am incomprehensible

Dudididjdemffhdjddent gesstsgoakrjcuffdvf sdxxvggdffff

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/godspark533
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I used to hate the lockdown in the beginning, but now that I have a full fridge, I am ok with it.

Scientists are calling it the Stock Home syndrome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I would like to clarify that I am not slutdust
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MspKitten
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard that you can now print a gun off a 3D printer, but I am not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Here’s an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist.

They’re just optical illusions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabriel_Aurelius
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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My doctor told me that I am losing my hearing

I haven't heard from him since

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Doctor: Sir, I am sorry to say that you have onomatopoeia... Patient: What is it, doc?

Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. "Am I homosexual?" Asked the newslady. "Neigh," said the horse.

The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The only reason I am voting for Elizabeth Warren is that she will bring stability to the White House. She will never be impeached.

She comes with a warranty.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror"

So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aid4n
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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I am very upset that I just got an F on my essay

The professor asked for it Chicago Style so I turned it in in a deep dish.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spaghettimoan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I am teaching my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish β€œHarry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.

I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a β€œphone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it β€œPhone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winnieloo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tells me that I am too indecisive

[Deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
There are so many things that I am looking forward to in the new year...

You could say that my vision is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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I'm gonna bet you 50 bucks that I am no longer addicted to gambling
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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My dad found out that I am at risk of failing biology

He told me, β€œIf you fail at biology, you fail at life.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeezuhzz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life

I pull her down.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitemarex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, my son explained to me in very simple terms that I am an adult but he isn't...

I kid you not

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I am really embarrassed that I forgot to bring sunscreen to the beach.

Boy, is my face red!

πŸ‘︎ 304
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm finding that as I get older, I am becoming more and more resistant to change. It makes me uncomfortable, and I try to avoid it whenever possible.

I mean, dollar bills are so much easier to carry around.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uptwolait
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 397
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't...

I kid you not

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report

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