I'm not sure I am that hungry
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
I am reading this article that compares all the different versions of The Bible.
There is a lot of cross referencing.
People say that I am self-centred
But that's enough about them
I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.
I don't know why people are concluding that I am constipated.
They just keep telling me that I'm full of shit.
I am trying to figure out whether that fuel tanker in front of me is full or not.
Your gas is as good as mine.
I am baffled that the cashier is out of change.
I am convinced that my friend helped someone steal one of my gloves.
He definitely had a hand in it.
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".
Sorry for going on a tangent
I am positive that there is something wrong with Quasimodo's back
Or it could be just a hunch
I was thinking that I am the kindest person in the world. Then I saw German kids.
My dentist told me that I am a royal descendant
I got friend zoned but being the gentleman that I am, I still have her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I am pulling my hair out to think of that R & B singer who opens doors
I am not that good at drawing....
I believe I am ready to become a dad, that cracks cringe worthy jokes.
Friend: mmmm, I love seafood.
Me: mmm I see food, I eat it.
Am I funny? Please tell me that I'm funny
I am asking the last person that was able to ask Regis Philbin a question to please come forward.
I have to know what his final answer was.
There's this another kind of dip that I am interested in
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.
Him: second best?
Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.
I've had a lot of people telling me that I am incomprehensible
Dudididjdemffhdjddent gesstsgoakrjcuffdvf sdxxvggdffff
I used to hate the lockdown in the beginning, but now that I have a full fridge, I am ok with it.
Scientists are calling it the Stock Home syndrome.
I would like to clarify that I am not slutdust
I heard that you can now print a gun off a 3D printer, but I am not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Here’s an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist.
They’re just optical illusions.
My doctor told me that I am losing my hearing
I haven't heard from him since
Doctor: Sir, I am sorry to say that you have onomatopoeia... Patient: What is it, doc?
Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. "Am I homosexual?" Asked the newslady. "Neigh," said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
The only reason I am voting for Elizabeth Warren is that she will bring stability to the White House. She will never be impeached.
She comes with a warranty.
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror"
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
I am very upset that I just got an F on my essay
The professor asked for it Chicago Style so I turned it in in a deep dish.
I am teaching my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a “phone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it “Phone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
My wife tells me that I am too indecisive
There are so many things that I am looking forward to in the new year...
You could say that my vision is 2020.
I'm gonna bet you 50 bucks that I am no longer addicted to gambling
My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life
My dad found out that I am at risk of failing biology
He told me, “If you fail at biology, you fail at life.”
Yesterday, my son explained to me in very simple terms that I am an adult but he isn't...
I am really embarrassed that I forgot to bring sunscreen to the beach.
I'm finding that as I get older, I am becoming more and more resistant to change. It makes me uncomfortable, and I try to avoid it whenever possible.
I mean, dollar bills are so much easier to carry around.
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Yesterday, my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't...
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