I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

"Well I don't give a f* what you think"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.

Me: Wait. I can change.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I am sooooo proud of myself for this one πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 494
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TysonPlett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I am the punisher, feel my laugh!
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmIARealPerson
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.

Now that’s just mean.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ballsquancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I know a family of Artists but I am not sure how they make so much Money

Very Sketchy People

πŸ‘︎ 425
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omarsrstt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.

After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I like to shit at 11:59pm and end at 12:05 am

Same shit different day

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/miked66666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I am reading this article that compares all the different versions of The Bible.

There is a lot of cross referencing.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
So this plane takes off, am I right??

...I guess not every joke lands

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mau5ofcards
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My mom has 3 kids. My brother was born a gas, my sister a liquid and I am a solid. Yesterday my mom looked upset so I asked her what was wrong. She said "I'm pregnant"

So I said "Okay, what's the matter?"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feerkat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What the hell am I dough-in’ here? I donut belong here
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicOli
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I am nor sure my sister knows any geography...

But Alaska.

not**

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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Am I punny enough for the pun club?
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"

So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I am terrified of negative numbers...

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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I hate how funerals are always at 9 am.

I'm not really a mourning person.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_plc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I stopped shaving and am getting a mustache

I gotta admit, it’s growing on me

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Endersgaming4066
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud

For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"

I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/proygratoke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I am going to tell you a TCP joke

And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBum80
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I am always careful in my backyard

Because some trees are nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ricerly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Great, now I am hungry
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I am sick and tired of people calling me lazy, so I'm going to kill myself.

But, the gun is all the way over there.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I never worry about how fat I am

They say good things come to those who weight

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/returntim
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Am I wrong?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/postpuns
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I am shopping for a new oven.

I want to get one that comes pre-heated.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I am addicted to seaweed....

I must seek kelp.

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I am a kleptomaniac.

Sometimes I have to take something for it

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I am, without question..

A terrible journalist.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I am a butcher and my wife doesn’t like me introducing her to people

Especially when I say Meet Patty

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
"I am Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon"

"Neil before me"

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Me: I am terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: [Screams in horror]

Therapist: Oh, I see

Me: [Screams intensify]

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sync_shark
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
This occurred to me at 1 am and I’ve never been more proud
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain_Cookiez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I am a butcher by trade & yesterday I accidently backed into the meat grinder

I got a little behind in my work

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said to me, "am I getting fat?"

"No, sweetheart, you've been fat for years." I'll miss her.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I am sooo out of shape...

Yesterday, I changed my mind twice and broke out in a sweat.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I am so broke.

I couldn't even pay attention.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masspersuasion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I have 6 legs, 8 arms, and 10 heads. What am I?

A liar.

πŸ‘︎ 485
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
People say that I am self-centred

But that's enough about them

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheViralClovers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
"Alexander, why am I such a failure with women?"

"My name is Siri. "

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
An Honest Werewolf : "What do you mean? I am not a werewolf"

A Random Seer : "Either you are lying or you are an unawerewolf"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurokami_Yohane
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.

I am now a doctorbater.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't know why people are concluding that I am constipated.

They just keep telling me that I'm full of shit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Is everyone here as tired as I am of the quiet Hawaiian a low ha joke?

If only that joke wasn't aloud.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon

Neil before me

πŸ‘︎ 138
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 27k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mooshoopork4
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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