I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
I am sooooo proud of myself for this one π
π︎ 494
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︎ Feb 11 2021
I am the punisher, feel my laugh!
π︎ 25
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
I know a family of Artists but I am not sure how they make so much Money
π︎ 425
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
π︎ 24
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
I like to shit at 11:59pm and end at 12:05 am
π︎ 45
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
I am reading this article that compares all the different versions of The Bible.
There is a lot of cross referencing.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
So this plane takes off, am I right??
...I guess not every joke lands
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
My mom has 3 kids. My brother was born a gas, my sister a liquid and I am a solid. Yesterday my mom looked upset so I asked her what was wrong. She said "I'm pregnant"
So I said "Okay, what's the matter?"
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
What the hell am I dough-inβ here? I donut belong here
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
I am nor sure my sister knows any geography...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
Am I punny enough for the pun club?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
I am terrified of negative numbers...
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
I hate how funerals are always at 9 am.
I'm not really a mourning person.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
I stopped shaving and am getting a mustache
I gotta admit, itβs growing on me
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud
For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"
I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
I am going to tell you a TCP joke
And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
I am always careful in my backyard
Because some trees are nuts.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
Great, now I am hungry
π︎ 31
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I am sick and tired of people calling me lazy, so I'm going to kill myself.
But, the gun is all the way over there.
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 11 2021
I never worry about how fat I am
They say good things come to those who weight
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Am I wrong?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I am shopping for a new oven.
I want to get one that comes pre-heated.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
I am addicted to seaweed....
π︎ 147
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
I am a kleptomaniac.
Sometimes I have to take something for it
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
I am, without question..
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
I am a butcher and my wife doesnβt like me introducing her to people
Especially when I say Meet Patty
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
"I am Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon"
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
Me: I am terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: [Screams in horror]
Therapist: Oh, I see
Me: [Screams intensify]
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
This occurred to me at 1 am and Iβve never been more proud
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I am a butcher by trade & yesterday I accidently backed into the meat grinder
I got a little behind in my work
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
My wife said to me, "am I getting fat?"
"No, sweetheart, you've been fat for years." I'll miss her.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I am sooo out of shape...
Yesterday, I changed my mind twice and broke out in a sweat.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
I am so broke.
I couldn't even pay attention.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
I have 6 legs, 8 arms, and 10 heads. What am I?
π︎ 485
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
People say that I am self-centred
But that's enough about them
π︎ 145
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
"Alexander, why am I such a failure with women?"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
An Honest Werewolf : "What do you mean? I am not a werewolf"
A Random Seer : "Either you are lying or you are an unawerewolf"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
I don't know why people are concluding that I am constipated.
They just keep telling me that I'm full of shit.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
Is everyone here as tired as I am of the quiet Hawaiian a low ha joke?
If only that joke wasn't aloud.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon
π︎ 138
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
π︎ 27k
π
︎ May 16 2020
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