A list of puns related to "HelpSystems"
Don’t worry, I can stop any time
OK, this technically isn't a dad joke, but it is the first time I've ever seen one of the granddaddies of all dad jokes work in the wild.
I was in PetSmart buying kitty litter. There was one checkout line open and a lot of people waiting. The woman in front of me was getting rung up when one of her items, a dog toy, didn't ring up. Now my first thought is always ALWAYS to say "well, I guess it's free then." But I also know most checkout clerks have heard it a billion times, so I read the room and decide not to say it. The woman that is checking out starts to get flustered because she doesn't want to be rude and keep all the rest of us waiting in line. The manager comes out to help and find the price. The woman keeps getting more nervous and agitated. (My wife has social anxiety and I know what it looks like.) So I look at the woman and the clerk and say, "OK, we've tried the bar code, and checking the system for the price, has anyone said "Well, I guess it must be free then?" I mean that's the next step in the process, right?" The lady and the clerk both chuckle a bit and the tension is broken. The manager heard me say it and was like, "Yep, it's free." The lady looked at her and blinked. The manager repeated herself. And the woman took the toy and left.
IT WORKED PEOPLE!!! THE DAD JOKE WORKED!!!
Under the current Imperial system, every three feet is a new yard
I call it the Thais That Unbind.
Edit: I posted this joke and got this message:
“Hi there, A concerned redditor reached out to us about you. When you're in the middle of something painful, it may feel like you don't have a lot of options. But whatever you're going through, you deserve help and there are people who are here for you…”
Thanks for caring about my digestive system Reddit, but it’ll be at least a few hours before the salsa takes full effect.
Edit: I just realized this joke made somebody shake their head so hard they actually thought I needed help. Dad joke expert level unlocked.
One of the funniest school puns; science puns
Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too” — and he died.
A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.
Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.
Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.
I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your “style.”
I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.
Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.” “Are you sure?”
“Ye
... keep reading on reddit ➡Hello everyone! I am part of a team project from the Computational Linguistics department in Saarland University. We made an automatic pun generator and we want to test our system. The following questionnaire will ask you to rate punchlines. It's short and we hope you can get a giggle out of it. Thanks for your help (and please delete it if it goes against the subreddit rules).
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdTRNrncAZTemkojUBZytgevxXx5FJ5qh0kquZiirlaGioNPA/viewform
Blatantly stolen from my Uncles Facebook page (link in comments):
Uncle: I'm proud of myself. Instead of goofing off this summer, I chose to go back to school and better myself. I enrolled in a course and have spent the past few weeks in intense study, finally passing the final exam today with a score of 100% - a score that I'm pretty sure they don't see too often. It's not often that I toot my own horn, but this time I think I really deserve it. Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve my goal!
Friend: Congratulations! What subject?
Uncle: It was Traffic School. Speeding ticket. The system wanted me to fail.
For a little bit of background information, my dad suffers from multiple system atrophy and got a high fever, which turned out to be from a bad urinal tract infection. He has been at the hospital for almost 2 weeks now, and it is really hard on our family, but he is doing his best to get better and throws this small dad joke to lighten me and my brothers day.
A Speech Therapist comes every day to help him focus on his muscles in his face to help him swallow and speak clearer with simple gestures of noises and deep breathing. As she was done with his exercises, she said to him "Can you say goodbye, have a nice day! in a long sentence?" (As in one breath with no pauses). My dad then takes a look at me and my brother and says in his slurred voice "goodbye... have a nice day... in a long sentence".
The Speech Therapist just smiled and shook her head while we facepalmed...
Thumbs up Dad, I know you will come home soon!
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
I work for the school system doing before and after school child care. Today, during outside playtime, a fourth grader came up to me and said "I hit my shin on the bench." I couldn't help but reply "Man..that's a really bad shinjury."
^^^^I'll ^^^^let ^^^^myself ^^^^out.
Got dadjoked by a friend just now. She's at work and we're talking to each other over an instant messaging system.
Her: How are you today?
Me: Good, just cold and still drying off from getting caught in the rain on the way home.
Her: Oh, you're still cold? I can help you!
Me: ......
Her: Stand up and go to a corner.
Me: .....
Her: Because a corner is always 90 degrees!
Background, I work for a relatively large University as front line tech support for Staff and Students, walk up, phone, email, chat, etc.
Today was first day of classes so a large number of students and staff passed through our doors. Walk-ups take a number then we can press a button on our system to claim the next number and we can call them.
We had extra help today so not all of the tickets that were pushed were called.
I pull up my ticket system start clicking and calling, a lot of them, no response. I get to 404, call it out, no response so I repeat it and "Not Found? ok".
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