(Bear with me its a long setup) A frog walks into a bank and asks a woman named Patricia Whack for a loan. "My father is Mick Matter" he says, placing a ceramic elephant on the counter. Patricia goes to her boss and tells him the story, asking "what is this?" And placing the elephant on his desk.
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
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︎ Jul 03 2021
My dad lives long distance, so we text often. He got me with a good one this morning;
I recently had bone surgery in my left pinky, so I've been keeping him updated on the recovery. I sent him a photo of my swollen bruised purple pinky and he says, "Okay so none of that looks right. Is it your left hand?"
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︎ Jul 08 2021
A woman goes to her doctor. He says: βHavenβt seen you in a long timeβ
She says: βThatβs because I was sickβ.
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︎ May 31 2021
Have you ever wandered why it takes the President so long to complete a sentence when he speaks?
I guess heβs just Biden his time.
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Knew an bird watcher who lived so long he saw every bird except one. On his deathbed he was asked if he thought he used his time well
He said he had no Egretes
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︎ Feb 21 2021
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
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︎ Dec 06 2019
Maybe he was....(takes long pause) perfoming a drill
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︎ Aug 20 2020
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︎ Aug 05 2020
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
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︎ Nov 20 2018
All day long my cat lazes around the house, saying he is hurt. I told him to quit being a hypochondriac
but he just keeps saying "me ow"
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︎ Jun 10 2020
For a long time, I though I had a dog named Yule. When he died, I found out he was just a wrench.
He was a good copper spanner, Yule
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︎ Aug 19 2020
What did the sniper say when asked why he couldn't kill his target when he realized it was his long lost best friend?
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︎ May 01 2020
He should expect a long sentence.
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︎ Jun 09 2018
My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.
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︎ Jun 27 2019
My brother wanted to stop getting his hair cut for 6 months, but now he doesn't want to get rid of his long hair anymore...
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︎ Apr 24 2020
Five long years he made this pun
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︎ Oct 09 2019
I asked God, βHow long is a million years?β He said, βA minute.β I asked God, βHow much is a million dollars?β He said, βA penny.β So I asked God for a penny and he said.,,
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︎ Mar 16 2020
I asked a patient with alzheimers ,βfor how long have you had alzheimersβ. He replied-
βAs long as I can remember β
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︎ Feb 27 2020
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
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︎ May 07 2019
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home.
He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite.
The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance.
Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
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︎ Nov 24 2019
I knew a guy who wore a hat with an extra long bill. He said it was to protect his nose from the sun. I asked him why is that?
He said....
No one likes a brown nose.
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︎ Jan 10 2020
What does an Eskimo get if he sits on the ice for too long? β¦
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︎ Sep 22 2019
Sodium curious as to how long it took he/she to make that.
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︎ Nov 16 2018
I had neurosurgery in May. I wonder how long he was planning this...
imgur.com/8E4ICUk
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︎ Sep 18 2013
Itβs ok to ask about another manβs rod so long as heβs fishing.
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︎ Feb 19 2019
Her: what took you long? Me: you dont say. I just had a chat with our son bout how he should be wearing a proper underwear instead of diapers,
It was just a brief discussion.
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︎ Nov 14 2019
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
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︎ Nov 22 2018
This is my dad's favorite joke that he tells all the time (long)
It's the end of the Kindergarten year, and for all the kindergartners to graduate to first grade they all have to take a simple test.
The teacher walks up to the first kid and goes "Okay Jimmy. To graduate we have to name a few simple body parts. Where are your fingers?"
Jimmy wiggles his fingers.
"Good. Where are your knees?"
Jimmy points to his knees
"Very good. Last question. Where is your nose?"
Jimmy points to his nose
"Very good! How did you know all that?"
Jimmy points to his head and says, "Kidneys"
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︎ Aug 21 2019
How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel.
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︎ Sep 21 2017
My friend told me this long story on how he lost the tip of his index finger in an accident.
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︎ May 29 2019
Why did he order books long before the launch date?
Because he wanted to book them.
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︎ Oct 29 2018
My dad grew a herb garden and doesnβt know how he lived so long without one
Guess heβs making up for lost thyme
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︎ Apr 05 2019
I told my dad that I wanted a long vacation. And he...
https://i.imgur.com/OcsWDED.jpg
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︎ Mar 20 2019
My friend Charles lived away for a long time. So when he came back, I started calling him Harles.
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︎ Jul 10 2018
After so long in there, he finally cracked.
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︎ Aug 16 2013
When people ask my dad how long he's been married he tells them "5 wonderful years!
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︎ Aug 27 2016
A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah, get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens up and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".
The son says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans.".
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︎ Aug 24 2018
Einstein had a hunch that he had a long-lost uncle...
...but that was just his theory of relativity.
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︎ Apr 06 2013
I took my friend to an Indian restaraunt but he couldn't stay for long...
He didn't have time to stay and chaat.
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︎ Aug 24 2018
He just keeps repeating it as long as the dog barks.
Whenever my dog barks, my dad will say something like, "how does sandpaper feel?"
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︎ Nov 26 2013
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
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︎ Oct 10 2019
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
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︎ Oct 10 2019
I have a friend who was born on July 5th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence post. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 5/7 wood post again.
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︎ Nov 20 2018
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