They're just meh
It's soda pressing!
SPANKINGs
It Brings Me Women but Breaks My Wallet.
Heβs a cat-a-holic
They're very polarizing.
That's how you form an opinion.
They're really polarizing.
Why can't they understand that, sometimes, I just want to be leaft alone?
It has really been hit or miss
No homo-cide, though.
I'm an extractor fan.
I was talking to my dad about the possibility of him getting a new laptop and us taking the HDD out of his current one and swapping it into a new one.
I was telling him about how the keys for Windows are generally tied to the motherboard of the laptop, to prevent exactly this. He kept acting extremely confused.
"How can the windows key be tied to the motherboard?"
"I dunno it takes the serial # or something"
"That just doesn't physically make sense"
"what about it doesn't make sense? It makes perfect sense!
"Well what happens if I get a new keyboard? I don't have to buy a new computer and it has a new windows key"
I'm in charge of sending a group text to all the family to let them all know but it's happening two weeks earlier than expected so I haven't had time to prepare so such an amazing chance for a joke. Anyone got anything I could send out rather than a low quality gif?
Sorry if this is against the rules for submissions
Because they have a great poker-face.
This is known as βstalk-home syndromeβ
Itβs a Finnish hymn.
Edit for u/mammix and u/Czarcasm and u/Scruluce: βold Nordic, church song.β
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I want to get cremated. That would be my last chance to get a smoking-hot body!
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At the bossβ funeral, a disgruntled employee kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, βWhoβs thinking outside the box now, Gary?β
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I hate funerals because I'm not a mourning person.
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My music teacher died while we were writing a song together. I guess he's decomposing now.
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A will is simply a dead giveaway.
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're ready to handle the reaper cushions.
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I want my loved ones to throw a party when I pass. After all, it is called a funeral.
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The sign at the cemetery states, "Do Not Pass."
It's called "stock home syndrome".
He's my arch enemy.
Itβs hit or miss.
Because he couldnβt see that well!
Posea
...a six year old picked up the phone and told me to fuck off
But they were all polarised.
Credit to my daughter.
Flex-i-bull!
I had an idea for a Halloween costume but that fell through. Now, I am going as a squid. I need all of your best (worst) squid related jokes!
(Edit) Thank you all! They were loved (hated) just as I had hoped!
Aunt Arctica
(kids in third-fourth grade love this; or hate you for telling it)
β¦ Sudden Lee
They both have a great time.
Because they look cool.
He finally came out of the Santa Claus-et.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyβre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. βIβd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,β it says. βSorry, but I canβt serve you,β the bartender replies. βYouβre out of your head.β
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. βWe donβt serve your kind here,β the bartender says. βWhy not?β one yogurt asks. βWeβre cultured.β
A friend of mine didnβt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heβs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereβs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, βWhat are you staring at? Havenβt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?β The guy says, βItβs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.β
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the paper towel?β The pirate says, βArrr! Iβve got a Bounty on me head!β
A turtle is crossing the road when heβs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, βI donβt know. It all happened so fast.β
Armed robbersβsome say theyβre a drain on society, but youβve got to give it to them.
Barbersβ¦you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donβt forget the pickle. Itβs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereβs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisβ¦ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit β‘
Sorry I just needed to vent.
A Bipolar Bear
Mrs. Fire.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
What do you get if you let a robot go hunting?
A-ton-of-moose
"I camembert if Iβve told you today, but just in queso I havenβt, you're looking sharp! I havarti accepted you stilton love βcheesyβ holidays, but ricotta think things can only get feta with a little roman(ce)o. It colby just me, but I swiss you very much when weβre apart. Itβs cheddar when weβre together because then I donβt feel provolone. I think we go gouda together, and I want to grow mold with you. Wheel you brie my valentine?"
People tell me itβs a faux pa
