I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
π︎ 32k
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︎ Sep 22 2020
My friend wasn't happy with his new car, so I said "Dude, just roll with it".
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Happy New Year
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Happy birthday
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, Iβm going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.
Starting with my severe drinking opportunity
π︎ 16
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︎ Dec 31 2020
If a cowboy is happy,
Does that make him a Jollyrancher?
π︎ 15
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︎ Dec 27 2020
Happy Chronikkah
π︎ 31
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︎ Dec 11 2020
Happy Birthday Beethoven
In honor of Ludwig von Beethoven's 250th birthday ...
What is Beethoven doing to celebrate his 250th birthday?
He's decomposing!
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them
π︎ 28
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︎ Dec 21 2020
*happy feminist noise*
π︎ 26
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︎ Nov 29 2020
Happy Ho.idays to friends and .oved ones c.ose and far. B.essings to you and yours this Yu.e season.
(This is my No-L greeting.)
π︎ 31
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︎ Dec 10 2020
"A happy man is one who has found meaning in life"
π︎ 132
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︎ Nov 03 2020
I always wanted my sister to have a son that I could pass on my wisdom to, but I'm so happy she had her little girl, Denise.
Because a kid named Denephew would probably get picked on a lot.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 27 2020
How can you tell if a cyclist is happy?
All the bugs in his teeth
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︎ Dec 27 2020
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
π︎ 181
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︎ Oct 30 2020
Happy Thanksgiving
π︎ 17
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Iβm not too happy with this vegetarian dish I made...
But it won the SAAG awards, so Iβm satisfied.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Every meal is a Happy Meal....
.....if you leave your kids at home.
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 11 2020
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 12 2020
What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?
π︎ 21
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︎ Nov 16 2020
What do you call a happy cowboy?
π︎ 44
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Happy Sound Check Day!
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 13 2020
You know about the happy Roman?
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 01 2020
If you aren't happy single, you won't be happy taken,
Happiness comes from drugs, not relationships.
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 22 2020
Happy Holidays!
π︎ 18
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︎ Oct 18 2020
My daughter texted me wondering why I was so happy all day.
I replied that it was my cake day, but she never reddit.
π︎ 86
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︎ Sep 23 2020
People are not happy with Englands new COVID policy.
The whole country is in tiers
π︎ 19
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︎ Oct 16 2020
I was excavating a large hole in my backyard in order to build an underground office. My neighbor wasn't too happy with the noise and wanted to come and see what all the commotion was about.
I told him to just leave me alone. After all, I'm just mining my own business.
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︎ Oct 23 2020
I'm quite happy how this play played.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 09 2020
Happy 10/4 everyone
π︎ 11
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︎ Oct 04 2020
Why was the electrician happy to arrive at his house after work?
Because thereβs no place like ohm.
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 05 2020
Happy Halloween!
I love this holiday so much that I can almost forget I won't be able to make rent tomorrow by 1 measly dollar.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 01 2020
How do you make a dog happy?
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 18 2020
My Wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years..
π︎ 107
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︎ Jul 13 2020
This makes me βpearβy happy! See what I did there??
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 13 2020
I'm not happy because I have to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armor.
π︎ 33
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My daughter, Eliza, kept asking me to use my 3D printer to make monogrammed chairs for her dolls. Last Sunday I printed over 100 of them. She was so happy. She started putting them on everything for decoration.
We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Happy Sunday everyone
Sundays are always a little bit sad, but the day before is a sadder day
π︎ 4
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Happy Fatherβs Day
As a child I donβt think fathers realize how much we love and appreciate them and wanted to share it, even though this isnβt a joke.
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︎ Jun 21 2020
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 26 2020
I lost most of my retirement to that guy from Happy Days.
It was a real Fonzi scheme.
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︎ Oct 08 2020
Why was the lightbulb happy when it burnt out?
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Happy 1st of July
π︎ 304
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat what ever bugs them
π︎ 16
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︎ Nov 16 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
I had a happy childhood, dad would roll me down the hill in a tire
π︎ 19
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︎ Aug 10 2020
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