My wife left me because I made too many Green Day references

Do you have the time to listen to me whine

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Did anyone wake up Green Day?

Hi, I was specifically requested on this day, October 1st, to wake up Green Day. Did anyone wake up Green Day?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Solace_sys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Somebody needs to remember to go wake up that guy from Green Day tomorrow.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
The singer from Green Day must have smelled good on that Boulevard of broken dreams

He sings "I wore cologne, I wore cologne"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PKlate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
🚨︎ report
WE GET IT! SEPTEMBER'S OVER! GREEN DAY! YADA YADA

Every year . . .

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2016
🚨︎ report
So, I was telling my kids about the history of eating black-eyed peas and greens on New Year's Day...

[this one is actually technically a mom joke]

...and I was explaining how the practice originated during the American Civil War, but they're still young, so I had to explain how we got into the war.

Me (Dad): "...so the South didn't like what the North was doing and they decided they wanted to quit the country."

Wife (Mom): "AND THEY SECEDED! ... Get it? SECEDED! HAHAHAHHA! It's like succeeded, but it... nobody?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BunsOfAluminum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?

because It didn't habenero . .

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drewzee0109
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a stock traders favorite band?

Green Day!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flashbangthunder2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

πŸ‘︎ 152
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did anybody wake greenday up?
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ringboard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2015
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor yesterday. He said I have onomatopoeia. I asked him if it was bad.....

Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bluebugs23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Was painting with the Mrs. last night and...

...she told me that we didn't have a color we needed.

So this morning I said "I had a dream last night that I found that color for you, but when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination."

Got a groan from her, mission accomplished.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Richard_Punch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
🚨︎ report
My kids didn't get my dad joke

Wife said about my son that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I replied that's because it's a Jonathan Apple ( my name is Jonathan). They'd never heard of them. Ten years later every time I say a bad dad joke, they both yell "Jonathan Apples". I though the original joke was hilarious, apparently not so.

πŸ‘︎ 506
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonty57
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Did anyone hear about the chemist who died??

Yeah, they had to barium.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ladylackluck
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Jeff has had only one dream ever in his life, to become a train conductor.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saspa314
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
In the annual scientistific track and field meet, the geologists always lose

Proving once again that gneiss guys finish last.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
What band performed for The Incredible Hulk's birthday?

Green Day

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Bacon Puns

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!


Whats green and smells like bacon? Β Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?


Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.


Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Β Kevin Bacon


If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries


Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.


Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.


Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.


What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.


How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.


What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.


What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.


What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.


First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.


Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.


If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper β€œHere comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost


I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon


If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?


This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.


If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.


I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.


My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.


When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Oct 1 and I get this text from my Dad every year...

Hey, it's October. Somebody go wake up Green Day!

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gotexan8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
🚨︎ report
A Spill

I work at a place that makes shakes. Had a bit of a spill one day of a certain green-colored one. My manager looks over and says, "Well, at least the counter's still in mint condition."

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jmac313
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
🚨︎ report
The Story of Jefferson Handy

There once was a golfer named Jefferson Handy. He was a decent golfer, even better considering that he was unable to stand for more than a few minutes without intense pain. Due to his affliction, Jeffrey was always spotted a few strokes on the course. Anyway, Jeffrey was always known for a smile on his face and his cabby hat he wore for good luck. One day, while on the 7th green, a lady appeared from one of the water traps and told him she would grant him any wish, but at a price. He said sure, and asked to be able to stand again. She granted him his wish, but for payment, she took his hat. And that's the story of the lost Handy Cap.

> I want to apologize to everyone today. These terrible jokes have been coming to me all morning and I can't turn it off.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Halloween dad-joke

It's a couple days after halloween and my dad comes out of the bathroom with a very serious expression on his face and says, "I thought halloween was over." My mom and I were trying to figure out what he meant for a few seconds then he says, "because I just saw a big green monster in the toilet."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zavenism
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Halloween costume

So I'm going as Disgust from Inside Out for Halloween this year. It is something my daughter will love and it's easy enough to just dress up in green. I've known for over a month now.

But earlier today, the day before Halloween, my man decides to tell me he wants to do a couples costume from Twin Peaks. I get frustrated and say, "Why? You've known for a while I'm going as disgust. I have it all planned."

He replies, "Really babe, I don't remember this being something we ever... discussed."

My inner Anger is enraged.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pickle_lady
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
🚨︎ report
My father-in-law dropped this one today...

"Lots of people are claiming they like the little green lizard insurance commecials these days, but I liked them from the GEICO."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BodyDoubles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad would always throw this one out years ago

I would be listening to Dookie by Green Day

"Hey son, what are you listening to? BLUE SKY?!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Miiiich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
🚨︎ report
Did anyone wake up Green Day yet?
πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mattxfish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Did anyone remember to wake up Green day this year?
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ASCIt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
It’s October 1st. Just checking:

Did anyone wake up Green Day today?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justoutofwaldorfs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.