Good Spells Puns

Dad: "No, you did great!"

It means a lot to him

But other words, not so much.

I guess they drank the t

Looking at it now, I see why.

"I o n"

He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”

Me: ...no, why? Is another one of your stupid jokes again?

Dad: No, no, no. I read it on my Yahoos and thought it was weird.

Me: Oh... yeah, that is weird I guess.

Dad: It would've been funny if that joke had a punchline, wooden tit?

Me: Dad, no.

A mathemachicken

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.

Wife: What are you thinking?

Me: Business casual.

Daughter: Dad, are you smart?

Me: Yes.

Daughter: Spell it.

Me: S-M-A-R-T

Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.”

She got me good.

—

Edit: My first front page post! I’d like to say thanks to all the wonderful people that upvoted this and made awesome comments. And screw you to the weirdos who went out or their way to say mean things. And thanks to my daughter. She is the real MVP in all this.

They’re waiting for their turn

I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody

There hasn’t been a post all year.

Happy New Years from New Zealand

He said "thanks Dad, that really means a lot".

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

All I wanted was one night stand.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

... it runs in your jeans.

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

She got so mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again...

Now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

It will tell you "this Page cannot be found."

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Dick and Bob caught a bunny.

link to video

Im a photographer and was telling her about an assignment to photograph a woman and her early 20th century car and that the woman would be wearing authentic era clothing for the portrait.

Me: And she'll be wearing period appropriate clothing. Girlfriend: So she'll be wearing sweatpants?

I had just got my hair cut nice and short and been dropped around at my mate's house by mum. As i walk in: Mate's Dad: Hey bonya, who did ya hair cut? Me: (slightly confused) My hair didn't cut anybody...

I'm in the car with my 6yr old daughter and she starts asking me "What does this spell, d-o-g?" I answer, "dog". She congratulates me and asks again. "What does this spell? c-a-t" I say "cat". Again, she congratulates me and I asked her "Ok, what does this spell? I-d-o-n-t-k-n-o-w" She is dumbfounded, but you can see her trying. Shes asks a couple of times for me to repeat the letters. She then finally concedes and sadly says "I don't know." I let out a huge, "THAT'S RIGHT! GOOD JOB!" She started laughing and let out a sympathetic "oh daddy."

(Me) "You spelled meteor wrong."

(Her) "Did I really?"

(Me) "Just joking, you spelled meteorite. "

Her "I've started learning sheet music"

Me "Why learn sheet music? Why not good music?"

She proceeded to leave the room groaning

Edit: spelling

Because they’re already good at spelling...!

He says to the guy working there "hey can i have a pint of chocolate ice cream?"

The worker says "Sorry sir but we're all out of chocolate."

So the guy says "alright then can i have a quart of chocolate ice cream?"

The worker says "I already told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream."

Then the guy says "fine I guess i'll just have a gallon of chocolate ice cream."

So the worker says "ok sir how do you spell the Van in Vanilla?"

The guy says "V-A-N"

The worker says "good now how do you spell the Straw in Strawberry?"

The guy says "that's easy S-T-R-A-W"

The worker says "now how do you spell the fuck in chocolate?"

The guys says "There is no fuck in chocolate"

"THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

When my wife arrived at their office there was some confusion. I got there a couple of mins later while they where trying to figure it out. Tax Guy: it seems someone made a mistake and made the appointment in the Marshville office. Wife: I don't even know where that office is. Me: It's in Marshville.

the Tax Guy and I got a good laugh, The Wife just rolled her eyes like always.

*edit: spelling

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!

For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”

Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).

How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.

I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.

What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!

What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

Because sad spelled backwards is das and das not good.

I figured who better to ask about a silly pun than the good folks over here at /r/dadjokes? I'm going to be in a spelling bee and I need a good name that matches up with a good costume theme. To give examples these are my two previous iterations:

"Punktuation" - Dressed as punk rockers

"Bee Me Up, Scotty!" - Dressed as Star Trek officers

If anyone has a good idea let me know and I will post pics from the event on October 24th. If you don't care to help then...umm...continue being dads.

EDIT FOR CLARITY: People are making some great suggestions for names, but I should have clarified that this is for a team of 3 people. So proper names are not really going to work...stick to the format I have described in this post!

My dad, step mum and I were watching a nature program. The topic turned to a lake that contained the largest number of wild mussels in the country. Cue conversation:

Dad: "I went to a party there once."

-Skeptical silence-

Dad: "Yeah, I pulled a mussel".

I groaned, step mum rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge the joke while dad is cracking up at himself. It took him a good minute to compose himself.

(For those unfamiliar with the slang, in England "to pull" someone means scoring/picking someone up at a bar/club/party or whatever)

EDIT cant spell.

While I was streaming Skyrim, my character got killed by a Giant.

German guy goes: "Don't be sad about your character because sad is just das spelled backwards and das is not good."

Me and 2 7 year olds (one my daughter's brother): boy 1:What's your last name? Me: (say last name) boy 2: Spell it. Me: "I-T" Boy 1: "Nooooo spell your last name." Me: "Y-O-U-R L-A-S-T N-A-M-E" both boys: Argh! Boy 1: Ok what's your last name. Me: (say last name) Boy 1: Spell that. Me: "T-H-A-T" Boy 2: Noooo spell your last naaaaame. Me: "Y-O-U-R L-A-S-T N-A-A-A-A-M-E" Boy 1: Ok, say your last name Me: Your last name. Boy 1: noooooo say your last name Me: Your last name.

I kept them going for a good 5 minutes before they figured out "spell (my last name)" Quite amusing.

edit: second time I misspelled the title. It's supposed to say "this was fun"

This can be a good learning experience for you, It's best to get help on the front end, don't be to proud to do that, try your best to stay caught up. I couldn't spell Kat when I first heard the word but with some help I finally picked up on it.

Coworker: "my mother was an amazing woman. I could never hold a candle to her."

Me: "that's good. You'd probably burn her anyway "

Edit: can't spell 'hold'

First of all sorry for any spelling or grammar errors.

My friend had a bad pain in his right shoulder. He went to the female doctor who did all the things doctors do.

I waited him outside because I was driving, and I waited for a about 30 minutes.

Finally he was done and we were ready to go home. I asked him how it went and he said to me that the doctor is really nice and good looking and that she was all over him, checking the arm, shoulder and the back, joking that she wanted him.

And I jokingly said on english "She want's the D", he said yea dude and smiled and I continued "Diagnose".

I went to the convenience store on my college campus because I needed to get some nail clippers. A girl I knew walked in and this exchange was had after we had started talking:

Me: The only good clippers they had were in this pack with this other body care stuff, do you want any of it?

Girl: Sure, but those are toenail clippers. There are some fingernail clippers over there (very small ones).

Me: I have very thick nails, so those won't cut it.

The look she gave me told me how close she was to groaning.

Edit: Spelling

In the TV show Jimmy Neutron, Jimmy's dad, Hugh, pulls him over to speak with him

Hugh: Now, remember, son - there's no "I" in "team," you know what I mean?

Jimmy: You mean we should sublimate our differences for the good of our combined effort?

Hugh: What? No, no, I mean there's no letter "i" in the word "team." There's never a wrong time for a spelling lesson, son!

Apparently i need to step up my dad joke game as this is the second good dad joke to come from my wife.

During bath time our infant son was playing with his rubber duckies and lightly whacked himself in the head. My wife, without missing a beat says, "whoops, you got quacked".

Groan

Edit: spelling

People have always told me that icy is the easiest word to spell, and now that I think about it, i see why