What is it called when you kill a good friend of yours?
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︎ Aug 22 2020
Why did the train kill the other train for no good reason?
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︎ Apr 27 2020
I know a good way to kill time
Grab a clock and beat it with a baseball bat
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︎ Jun 13 2019
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
Iβll see myself out...
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︎ Dec 01 2020
What is the opposite of a croissant?
π︎ 9k
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︎ Nov 22 2020
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
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︎ Nov 14 2020
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
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︎ Nov 20 2020
There's a term for people like Trump
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Why is βbeefstewβ an unsafe password to use?
Because itβs not Stroganoff.
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︎ Nov 07 2020
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
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︎ Oct 23 2020
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
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︎ Oct 22 2020
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
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︎ Oct 13 2020
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
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︎ Nov 10 2020
What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
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︎ Oct 06 2020
Dude 1: βHey bro?β Dude 2: βYeah bro?β Dude 1: βCan you hand me that pamphlet?β
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︎ Sep 25 2020
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
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︎ Sep 30 2020
A man went to the doctorβs and told him, βI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.β
He said, βWow, thatβs the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen.β
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︎ Sep 17 2020
How does Jesus make his Coffee?
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︎ Nov 07 2020
Vampires aren't real
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︎ Nov 12 2020
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
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︎ Sep 05 2020
My grandma is 80% Irish.
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︎ Oct 30 2020
I donβt usually tell dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
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︎ Jul 23 2020
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
But they didnβt planet.
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︎ Sep 24 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
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︎ Aug 03 2020
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
Atleast that's what she said in her diary.
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︎ Sep 13 2020
British people be like I'm bri ish
It's because they drank the t
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︎ Oct 31 2020
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I donβt understand how she can feel that way.
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︎ Oct 13 2020
What is the angriest nut?
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︎ Sep 24 2020
I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....
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︎ Oct 06 2020
How many hands am I holding up?
If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc
Say βah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?
Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.
The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.
β4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!β
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︎ Oct 13 2020
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there's a salad dressing
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I was told that my dad was pronounced dead
I canβt believe Iβve been saying it wrong my whole life
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︎ Sep 18 2020
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
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︎ Sep 18 2020
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!
He just stands there applauding and saying βOoh, I love how smooth it isβ
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︎ Sep 03 2020
What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?
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︎ Sep 09 2020
How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.
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︎ Oct 06 2020
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza".
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
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︎ Apr 22 2020
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...
Bartender says, βThat will be $20.20.β
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︎ Aug 27 2020
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
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︎ Sep 30 2020
I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space.
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︎ Sep 18 2020
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
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︎ Mar 28 2020
What do you call paper you canβt trust?
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︎ Sep 03 2020
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
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︎ May 12 2020
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.
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︎ Sep 24 2019
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
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︎ Oct 16 2019
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture... I told her Iβm just looking for matches.
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︎ Jul 13 2019
A man wanted to buy a good insecticide
"Is this good for wasps ?" a man asked the retailer.
"No, it kills them" the retailer replayed.
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︎ Jun 24 2020
A dad joke so bad (good?) it killed my brain
My family is on the mailing list for the National Arbor Day Foundation, so we get begging letters from time to time.
In the most recent one, there was an additional flier that had the phrase "Hurry! You don't want to leave behind all the great benefits of being a member of the Arbor Day Society!"
I was immediately disappointed that they didn't say "You don't want to LEAF behind..." I then got SUPER excited to tell this joke to my wife who was in the other room, so I run in to tell her the joke, but by that point, I was so jazzed about the leaf pun, I completely forgot the rest of the phrase, so all I could babble out was (and this is literally what I said) "Something something LEAF! Something something something," all the while giggling like a madman. I have not heard the end of it.
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︎ Mar 04 2016
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