“Currently”
They got it right off the bat
Yesterday, we had a birthday for my daughter. Her cupcakes had her nickname (Mae, like mine) on three, a letter per cupcake. She ate the A.
Around 10ish this morning I realized only M and E were left. So I knew exactly what I wanted to do..
When my son came home from school, he asked what after school snack was.
Me "I was gonna say cupcakes, but they have my name on them"
Him "...M and E?"
Me "uh, yeah. That's ME."
Basics.
Be positive!
Because the sin of pi is 0
All of the ladies that worked there were trapped at one of the upstairs windows and they were frantically yelling for help.
Quickly, the man pulled over and tied a hammock between two fence posts that were just below the window. But the ladies were afraid to jump because they didn't think the hammock would hold them.
The flames were getting much worse, so the beekeeper did the only thing he could think of. He went back to his truck and retrieved a very special bee that he kept in a box labeled "in case of a brothel fire"
Sure enough, this special bee flew right up into the open window where all the ladies had gathered. Of course this just made them panic even more. One by one this bee chased each lady until all sense was lost and she leaped out the window, landing safely in the outstretched hammock below.
When all the ladies had reached the ground safely the specially trained bee returned to his box. Then the ladies turned to the beekeeper and offered him their gratitude. But he refused. "After all," he explained, "it wasn't me that saved you. It was the hornet."
Mistle-toad.
Does that mean you ate the pie?
"True, son, but then at least we'd know what work you were out of."
It's a dad-joke, or pretty close, and about a dad, but if it's out of place (or too morbid), let me know.
My father died a few years ago. We're a bit classy-ish, but generally not good at being solemn for long. And he was Irish. Loved a bit more drink than was perhaps good for him, although that's not what stopped him. But everyone knew because he would get chatty. Very very chatty. So not a secret, just a quirk.
I told this right after the ceremony, at the post-funeral dinner.
>Dad enjoyed his drinks. I hear he was cremated. It took them three days to put the fire out.
Fortunately, the family loved it.
Chillionaire
Wife: "how'd you like to kiss a sexy lady with glasses?"
Me: "I'd rather use lips."
Wife: "Get the fuck out. Right now."
Happened last night. Had a great giggle over it.
They’re easily stumped.
The strangest thing happened . I just finished cooking breakfast for me and my son and the doorbell rings .. I go to answer it, and it's a panda bear. As soon as I open the door he barged in and ran straight to the kitchen and ate all the breakfast I had just cooked. Then he went for the refrigerator and cleaned it out. He ate everything. I was angry. So I went to get my rifle but he was too fast. He pulled out two pistols and start shooting my place up. He must have emptied four magazines. But when I was at a food and he was out of ammo, he just walked back out the door and left the scene.
We were all okay but I had to still call the police and report so I could make a homeowners insurance claim.. but when I called them, they acted like it was no big deal. I described it in detail and they said, "yeah, that sounds about right." They said, "that's just what panda bears do. It's typical panda bear behavior." Ultimately, they couldn't do anything about it
That just seemed so strange though. Panda bears seem so peaceful. But I googled it, and they were right. It said, Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves..
🤨🐼😏
I saved this from r/dadjokes back in 2016, hopefully no one else has posted it recently! 🤣
A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;
Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;
And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;
So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;
There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;
Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;
When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;
He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";
His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;
His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;
His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;
But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;
For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;
I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;
And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;
Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";
I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;
And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"
OK, this technically isn't a dad joke, but it is the first time I've ever seen one of the granddaddies of all dad jokes work in the wild.
I was in PetSmart buying kitty litter. There was one checkout line open and a lot of people waiting. The woman in front of me was getting rung up when one of her items, a dog toy, didn't ring up. Now my first thought is always ALWAYS to say "well, I guess it's free then." But I also know most checkout clerks have heard it a billion times, so I read the room and decide not to say it. The woman that is checking out starts to get flustered because she doesn't want to be rude and keep all the rest of us waiting in line. The manager comes out to help and find the price. The woman keeps getting more nervous and agitated. (My wife has social anxiety and I know what it looks like.) So I look at the woman and the clerk and say, "OK, we've tried the bar code, and checking the system for the price, has anyone said "Well, I guess it must be free then?" I mean that's the next step in the process, right?" The lady and the clerk both chuckle a bit and the tension is broken. The manager heard me say it and was like, "Yep, it's free." The lady looked at her and blinked. The manager repeated herself. And the woman took the toy and left.
IT WORKED PEOPLE!!! THE DAD JOKE WORKED!!!
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Right after the guards turn out the lights in the block, it gets quiet for a second, then he hears a lone voice at the end say "27!" The whole block erupts in laughter. The new guy asks his cellmate what is going in.
The cellmate explained "The guards don't like us talking after lights out. But we love jokes. We know all the jokes by heart, so we number them. When one of us wants to tell a joke, one of us calls out the number and everyone gets a good laugh."
The new guy look skeptical, so the cellmate says "You can try it. You can call out any number, and we will know the joke." The new guys shrugs, then calls out "43!" The whole block meets him with dead silence, not a peep. The cellmate says "Well, I guess not everybody can tell a joke."
It took months to get her husband's voice right.
Why was the Headless Horseman never invited to business parties?
🎃 Because he couldn’t get a-head in life.
What did the eye say to the other eye?
👀 Eye see you.
Why didn’t the right-handed man ask the other man if he was alright?
👈🏻 The other man was left-handed.
Why is the letter U upset about televison?
📺 Because U isn’t included in it.
How come the letter Y hates asking questions?
❓The response is always, “Y, you ask?”
Why did the horse become a comedian?
🐴 He was very fun-neigh.
Why did Mrs. Banana leave Mr. Banana?
🍌 They had a split.
What do you get when you cross a doctor and a lemon?
🍋 Lemon-aid.
Why do the spices argue a lot?
🧂 Because they’re salty.
Why did the noodle have to go to bed?
🍝 It was pasta-his bed time.
What did Mr. Volcano say to Mrs. Volcano?
🌋 I lava you.
Why do the gardening tools hate Stacy?
🪴 Stacy’s a hoe.
Why are you beautiful?
💕Because “Be you” is in the word itself.
The last one is more heartwarming than funny, but I thought it’d be included.
Me: My wife yesterday was all on my case. "You'll never get a car made out of spaghetti to work!" she says. Man - y'all should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Friend 1: Oof - seriously. You should see if you can get supplements for that bad-joke problem.
Me: Maybe I'll try some vitamins. I'll grab some B2, B3, B5, and B6. Gonna skip B4 - that's in the past.
Friend 1: If I stop setting these up will you just, you know, stop?
Me: I tried Omega3 before, but the benefits were Super Fish Oil.
Friend 2: How do I unsubscribe from this group text?
Me: Maybe I can order some Vitamin C from a Mexican website. That means "Vitamin Yes" in Spanish, right?
Friend 1: Dead. I'm dead here. You've killed me. And humor.
Me: Actually my doctor said I should be eating more citrus fruits. Oranges, specifically. He also said I needed to drop some pounds. He said it was the "Weight and C" approach.
Friend 2: You're looking these up.
Me: Not all of them. I mean, I did get some of them from this big dictionary I have. It's pun-abridged.
Friend 1: If I had to grade these jokes, you'd get a Vitamin D. That's a 1.0 GPA.
Me: I'm going to have to put those grades up for adoption. I don't think I'll be able to raise them.
Friend 1: D-
Me: Maybe I should look into becoming a marine biologist as a career. Since my grades are so far below "C" level.
Friend 2: JFC. Is there any way to make it stop?
Me: Nope! I'm PUN-STOPPABLE!
In all fairness, I had heard most of these before (I have loved puns since college) but this was the first time I've gotten a good long run in a single pass. Also this is nearly-verbatim. I removed a couple identifying things and re-ordered a few of the messages for clarity of response.
Alice and Bob were a loving and happily-married couple. Through the years, while they had their little differences, they could rest assured knowing they could work out said differences. This way, their bond grew stronger as the years went by.
However, there was one facet of their life that always had them at loggerheads. Alice never believed the weather forecast put out by Rudy, at their local TV station, despite Bob's attempts to convince her otherwise.
"I don't trust him. He's a liar, and he's always wrong. Worse still, he's a communist."
"I really don't see what his political leaning has to do with the accuracy of his forecasts, darling."
"Mark my words, Bobby, I'll be proven right".
And yet, when the forecast predicted sunny weather and the sun blazed down, Alice remained unconvinced.
An accurate forecast of snow? "Bah, even a stopped clock is right twice a day."
And so it went on. Bob found the predictions accurate (or as accurate as one can hope for from tea-leaf reading or whatever science the weathermen used). However, Alice wouldn't budge.
One morning, Alice was dressing to go walking, and Bob had his hands full trying to convince her otherwise.
"Sweetie, they say there's going to be a torrential downpour soon. Can't you walk another day?"
"Absolutely not! You might not want to join me, but I'm getting my walking in for the day."
"At least take an umbrella, or a raincoat with you. You're going to get drenched, Allie."
"How can you be so sure it's going to rain, huh? Still trusting that charlatan?"
Bob sighed, drew himself up and pronounced: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
This was a few years ago, but my father-in-law loves to tell this story:
He witnessed a car accident at a 4-way stop. Nothing serious, just a fender-bender. The car who had run the stop sign drove off. My FIL pulled over, of course, checked on the driver of the other car, and offered to call the police.
And then he saw it. Laying on the pavement, right at the spot of the impact, was the other car's license plate. He quietly picked it up, set it in his car, and hoped he would get the right set-up.
He was not disappointed. After giving the officer his description of the accident, the officer asked, "Did you happen to get the license plate of the other car?"
FIL, totally deadpan, says, "Why, as a matter of fact..." as he reaches into his car and pulls out the license plate, "I've got it right here."
As if on cue, another officer at the scene came walking up right at that moment, asking, "Was he able to get the plates?"
FIL holds the plate up higher, points to it, "Yep, right here!"
Peak dad joke.
- "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
- "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
- "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
- "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
- "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
- "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
- "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
- "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
- "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
- "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
- "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
- "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
- "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
- "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
- "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
- "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
- "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
- "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
- "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
- "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
- "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
- "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
- "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
- "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
- "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
- "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
- "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
- "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
- "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
- "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
- "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
- "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
- "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
- "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
- "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
- "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
- "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
- "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
- "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
- "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
- "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
- "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
- "I hate pale ale," sai
Nobody else was around for it today but I had a great dad joke. I was at Sheetz (way better than WaWa) at the ATM which is right beside the lottery touch screen machine. I was getting cash and the guy beside me was getting lottery tickets from the machine. I told him he should try this machine, it’s been paying out.
Including a hat with a plume on his head, eye patch over his eye, cutlass on his hip, a small steering wheel sticking out of his pants, a peg leg on the left side and a tall leather boot on his right. When he gets to the bar, the bartender says "A magnificent entrance, but what's with the steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replied..."Arghhh, it's driving me nuts!"
Granted my son is known for corny (akadad) jokes but this one is a gem and I’m so proud I knew I had to share it here.
Two men were stranded in the desert for about a week with no food or water. They were getting pretty desperate.
One of the men saw a tree in the distance. It was simply covered in bacon. So much bacon that there were no leaves to be seen. More bacon than the two of them could eat in a week. They were saved!
After sharing his discovery with his companion; the man began to run towards the tree, the scent of bacon overwhelming his senses.
Right before he reached his goal he was surrounded by many men firing repeatedly at him. He was struck by several bullets from all directions.
Too late he realized it had not been a bacon tree that he had seen, instead it was a ham bush.
Dad: woah! What happened to you? Why do you have 2 black eyes?
Me: There was a lady in front of me who’s dress kept giving her a wedgie every time she stood up. So I reached over and said pulled it out. She immediately turned around and punched me in the right eye.
Dad: So… how did you get the other black eye.
Me: Well…. The lady stood up again, and the guy next to me pulled her wedgie out… I knew she didn’t like it… so I shoved it back in.
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.
Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.
I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.
"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.
"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."
"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
Transparent
(sorry it sucks, it's like 2:30 in the morning right now and I haven't slept)
(Edit: holy shit! I wasn't expecting this to get so many upvotes. Also thanks for the awards guys, I really appreciate it!)
This is an original "shaggy dog story" style Dad joke that I wrote recently. Enjoy. :)
The whale watching witch
Remember the story of the wicked witch from Hansel & Gretel? Reports of her death were greatly exaggerated. What actually happened is simply that she retired from being a wicked witch. Instead she decided to become a good witch and travel around the globe by boat. Being a witch, she wasn't very conventional, so she went on eBay and bought herself an ex-navy submarine to use for travelling the world.
One day she decided to go whale watching. Our repentant witch cruised into whale watching territory in the comfort of her refurbished submarine. She neatly surfaced, and manoeuvred her sub into a position alongside several boats that were offering whale watching cruises to rich tourists. Armed with her favourite binoculars, she stood on the conning tower, hoping to get a good view of the action. She soon found herself admiring some giant whales frolicking together in the ocean.
Suddenly, one of the whales headed right for her submarine. Instantly, our friend the witch realized that the whale thought that her vessel would make a good dinner, and was about to swallow it whole. At the last moment, she leapt overboard, just managing to escape, as the mouth of the whale closed over her submarine, swallowing it in one giant gulp.
Meanwhile, one of the tourists on a nearby whale watching cruise had been filming everything. "You'll never believe what I saw!" he cried, "But I got it all on video, and I'm pretty sure it will go viral. I just saw a whale eating a sub sans witch!"
Son: we are studying “A raisin in the sun” in English Me: when go walking I strut myself… and I’m all strung out. … Son: I don’t get it. Me: oh sorry that was “Blister In the Sun” Son: ??? Me: it is a song Son: oh, maybe I’ll play it for my English teacher Me: I wouldn’t…. She seems like a Violent Femme Son: you’re right Me: no that’s the name of the band that sings it Son: I need to go stand over there now.
The day after my son was born he was having trouble breast feeding. he got fussy and i was comforting him, i told him "it's alright that you didn't get it right away, you were only born yesterday"
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
- I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
- I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
- I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
- I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
- I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
- I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
- I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
- I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
- I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
- I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
- I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
- I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
- I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
- I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
- I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
- I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
- I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
- I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
- I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
- I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
- I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
- I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
- I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
- I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
- I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
- I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
- I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
- I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
- I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
- I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
- I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
- I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
- I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
