I painted a four leaf clover on my wife's foam stones ...
Because they are SHAM-rocks!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
A guy I know just bought a bunch (almost a shit-ton) of soft foam footballs and kerosene...
I think his plans are Nerfarious.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it.
So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T".
Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
π︎ 408
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
I just slept on a memory foam mattress for the first time
it made a great first impression.
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 08 2019
Why did the chickens buy a memory foam mattress?
Because they were no spring chickens.
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 28 2019
It finally happened! I bought memory foam shoes. Now I'll remember what I walked in the other room for.
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 03 2019
One of my friends was visiting and he really liked my new memory foam pillow, so much so he offered to buy it
I told him "I don't know, I need to sleep on it"
π︎ 68
π
︎ Nov 10 2017
A bad memory foam mattress?
They call that a "forget-it mattress" instead.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 28 2018
What does an old memory foam mattress have?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 04 2018
I was barred from a recent foam-firing toy tournament for lighting my darts on fire.
They didn't approve of my scorched nerf policy.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 30 2018
Why did John's bed have two layers of memory foam?
In case the first one forgets.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 02 2017
Memory foam pillows are garbage.
I have been sleeping on one for years and it hasn't helped me remember anything.
Courtesy of my mom's coworker...
π︎ 27
π
︎ Aug 14 2016
Memory Foam Pillows
Dad: Check this out, memory foam pillows.
Me: How are they? I was thinking of getting some for myself.
Dad: They are pretty terrible...
Me: How so?
Dad: I still can't remember where I left my car keys.
ಠ_ಠ
π︎ 35
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︎ Aug 19 2014
Memory Foam Does Not Work
My dad was helping me move today. I pulled the memory foam off of my mattress to make it more manageable and my dad asks, "What is that?"
I told him and he quickly replied "Who was your first grade teacher?"
Me being unable to answer he said with great satisfaction, "See, it doesn't work!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 20 2014
My wife's coming back from holiday tomorrow....
Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I will have a very comfortable corpse bed when I die
It will be memory foam
I have strong memories
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
Shouldnβt breast implants . . .
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
This puns soap
π︎ 313
π
︎ Oct 28 2018
What did the ceiling fan say?
WOOHOO! YEAH NO. 1! GO CEILING!
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 16 2017
One of my boy scouts asked me, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"
I said, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
I continued, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jul 28 2017
I personally witnessed Roseanne purchasing a new Tempur-Pedic mattress.
Thatβs one memory foam I bet wishes it could forget.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 07 2020
I tried to cook dinner for my wife, but I accidentally added washing soda instead of baking soda.
Sheβs foaming at the mouth.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 11 2019
What kind of hats do beers wear?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
Did you hear about the extraterrestrial who was studying to become a Starbucks barista?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 26 2019
My wife is mad at me because I didnβt know the difference between washing soda and baking soda.
It left her foaming at the mouth.
π︎ 24
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︎ Jul 19 2019
I got some shaving cream that helped me pass my exams
It's called my smart foam
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 25 2019
Baristas can use bubble-y cream to draw amazing shapes on top of your drink.
Foam is where the art is.
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 17 2019
Just happened at work.
Coworker was cutting slots into foam for different tools in the toolbox shelves. He was almost done when he realized he forgot the tape measure. When he went to find a place for it, he said it looks like it would be a tight fit.
I looked at him and said "looks like you need to remeasure".
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 27 2018
Dad joked my three-year-old, no one got it.
We were at a kid's birthday party, and there was a play mailbox. She opened it, and pulled out a big foam letter "T". I said, "Hey look, someone sent you a letter!"
Neither she nor any of the other parents got it. (Or at least let on that they did.)
π︎ 84
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︎ Oct 23 2013
Just hit my girlfriend with this one. Not even a dad but I'm preparing myself for the day.
My girlfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. I put my head on her chest.
ME: Your boobs make good pillows.
HER: Yea they are pretty soft.
ME: Are they made of mammary-foam?
She paused for a moment before groaning and eventually giving it a good chuckle. So proud.
π︎ 76
π
︎ Jan 04 2014
Me telling my son a bedtime story
"It was solid mahogany, with memory foam and I had just worked 12 hours and.."
SON " WRONG TYPE OF BEDTIME STORY DAD!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 09 2017
The hidden puns of LexisNexis
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
...
keep reading on reddit β‘
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 22 2016
Was awarded a glare from my wife this morning
When making her morning coffee, she was telling me all about this new vanilla creamer in a foaming spray can she bought last night. I quickly identified my prey and pounced.
"Well... when you try it, I hope you like it a latte."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 06 2017
Post Grocery Shopping Dadjoke
My dad literally just came out with this one. Mum and dad have just come back from shopping, and my brother had asked for shaving foam/gel. So mum says "I forgot to get you any mousse." And dad comes out with "She got you a musk ox instead." Groans were definitely heard.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 19 2015
Got my wife while playing with the baby
My 2 year old son has these giant foam letters and numbers that he loves to play with. The other day he was running around with the number 4 and handed it to me with a smile. I then hung it over my ear and asked him:
What's an ear four?
My wife began to laugh, caught herself and shook her head.
I just hope my material stays this fresh when he can really understand what I'm saying.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 12 2016
Used daughter to get wife with this one
I was giving my daughter a bath, she has foam letters and numbers in the bath with her. I put the number 4 on her head and say "Hey wife, check out her 4 head."
Got a groan then she took a picture to share.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 20 2015
Dad got mum good today
Mum - I need a new memory foam pillow, this one is going flat
Dad - it must have Alzheimer's
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 20 2015
Girlfriend knows how to dad joke.
Son: I remember laying in mommy and daddys bed last night.
Her: Well of course. It's memory foam.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 08 2014
My dad fancies himself an inventor and a comedian.
He was helping me pack for college. As he's carrying my memory foam mattress topper, he turns to me and says "New invention idea, breast implants made from memory foam. We'll call it Mamory Foam!"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 20 2013
Just got dad-joked by my coworker (who happens to be a dad)...
"I bought a memory foam pillow once, but I forgot where I put it."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 28 2014
My wife's coming back from holiday tomorrow....
Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 225
π
︎ Jan 12 2019
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from my high school keep flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 08 2019
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jun 11 2019
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all my embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Nov 24 2018
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