Five Eyes Puns

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He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

NASA decided to send a vegetable to space. After the rough takeoff the spud soiled himself.

Operation Spud-Nik turned violent when the astronauts, due to unforeseen circumstances, ran out of food. It wasn't long before the five guys came up with a plan. They unearthed him and gouged his eyes out. As unappealing as it sounded, spud was sliced up, fried and eaten. Noone seemed to mind a little assault. Sometimes spaceflight is unpredictable and dirty sacrifices must be made.

My Little Sister: No! What happened?!

Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.

My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES

Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.

My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?

Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)

I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN

Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?

Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!

My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!

Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.

My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.

Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.

My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.

• I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.

• I really love my family. Lol

I pulled out my phone and went to IMDB.

Me: He’s a... I think Finnish director, Dome Karukoski.

Dad: Well then who’s the start director?

Me:... the what?

Dad: If he’s the Finnish director, who’s the start director?

The turn of my head and hate in my eyes made him chuckle for five minutes.

Dad: That was priceless. 👏👏👏

Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.

Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?

Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!

He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.

Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!

I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.

We missed, now we call them eye fives.

We were talking about the eclipse and where best to go outside and look at it (with proper viewing glasses, of course). My mom asked "Where is the sun right now?"

My dad and I both responded, instantly and in unison, "It's up in the sky!"

We laughed, high fived, and my mom rolled her eyes so hard that they almost popped out of her head. Good times y'all.

Just dad joked my gf hard.

Gf: Do you have five cents?

Aspiring dad: No. I'm Nickle-less.

PS: My name is Nicholas

The poor girl lost her lungs and eyes in the subsequent sigh and eye roll.

She looks me dead in the eyes and said 'the cold doesn't bother me anyway'

Hi five then walk away.

While eating pizza for my daughter's birthday...

Daughter: "Daddy, I'm 5. Were you five when you were small like me? But then you turned six."

Me: "Yes, but then I went to the doctor and got better."

wife eyes start rolling

Daughter: "Daddy, I want be eight."

Me:"So does that slice of pizza"

My wife dropped her slice and buried her face in her hands. I think she was trying to keep her eyes from falling out.

He said to me "Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this".

"Dad, you don't mean the... ".

"Yes son", he interrupted, as he handed me the first five editions of '1001 Dad Jokes'.

With the tears welling in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I said "Dad, I'm honoured!".

"Well hello Honoured, I'm Dad".

GF: "... and on Friday it's wide open from around 2 or 2:30 on."

The old man gets a glimmer in his eye.

GF's Dad: "I only go to the dentist when tooth hurty"

His hand goes up.

We high five.

Counting down to midnight on New Year's Eve, my wife announced to the room to get ready to make a toast to the new year. I asked her if she remembered to bring the bread.

She looked at me puzzled for a second. "Bread?" she asked.

"Yeah, for the toast!" I said.

Her eyes rolled hard. My 15-year-old son laughed hard and told me, "Good one!" before giving me a high-five on it.

I should preface this by saying this was on of the best dates I've ever been on, but the relationship also subsequently fell apart because of it.

Anyway, a few years ago, my girlfriend and I had been going out for a few months, and things were great. I met her through a mutual friend of mine at the hospital, weirdly enough. Our friend had gotten in a very bad accident and had to get a glass eye. He would always dab it with cotton to stop the bleeding at the beginning. Anyway, this is all relevant because my girlfriend (not girlfriend at the time) bonded over how disgusting our friends eye was. This got us to talking, and before you know it, we started going out. Things got pretty serious months and months down the line, and I was just laid off from my job. This meant that in general, we would go on cheaper dates. Nothing too drastic. Just like a movie and dinner instead of say the Opera and a fancy five star restaurant.

So, about a year and a half into the relationship, Joe, the mutual friend of ours, suggests a double date with us and his girlfriend. He knew the situation I was in and offered to pay for the whole thing. Great right? Well... no. I was actually planning on proposing to my girlfriend. Except Joe suggested the plans in front of my girlfriend too, so she accepted for both of us. I didn't want to propose to her on a double date, so I pulled her aside and told her to just skip the date and come over instead. Joe had bought us all tickets to a baseball game, and believe it or not, my girlfriend chose the baseball game instead of me. I stayed home alone as she went out with Joe and his girlfriend. Moral of the story is, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd been married a long time ago.

Me: "Dad, do you have Consumer Reports? I want to look at refrigerators."

Dad: points at fridge "There's one!"

I gave him a high five while my mom rolled her eyes.

Yesterday, while sitting in a restaurant, a little girl at the table next to us ordered chicken fingers. Her dad scolded her, saying "I can't believe you'd get those, do you realize just how rare chickens with fingers actually are?" To which, I couldn't help but reply "Probably about as rare as Buffalo with wings!" We both mentally high fived each other, while our wives and his kids rolled their eyes and audibly groaned.

So I come home from college for Easter with a nice full beard and I asked my mom what she thought of it. She replied "Honestly, I'm not a fan". So I got her back by saying "Neither am I, I'm just a college kid". Got a high five from my dad and an eye roll from the rest of the family

While fixing a hose at my house, the landlord said, "In order to keep water from running on the wall, you need a shower curtain on the back to...CURTail any leakage."

We both mentally high fived each other, as his wife rolled her eyes.

Ninja Edit: We have an old style tub.

I just subscribed to dadjokes and I absolutely love it. Probably because i have the same sense of humor. Anyway here is what happened last night as I was home visiting for dinner.

My mom has spent all day preparing a glorious meal of shredded barbeque chicken, spanish rice, and corn bread (the kind of home cooked meal you just don't get in college). One of my moms absolute favorite things is cornbread and honey. so while we were sitting at the table waiting for her to get her plate she set my dad up for his moment of glory. "Is my honey on the table already?" I saw the look in his eyes he knew he had her! "No sweety I'm in my chair. I haven't had enough to drink to get on the table yet!" I laughed high fived my dad while my mom and my sister rolled their eyes.

Got an email from Venmo today summarizing my spending for 2014 by saying "If we converted all the money you transacted on Venmo in 2014 to pennies, it would weigh 7,267 pounds. That's more than the weight of 27 baby elephants!"

Thinking that was pretty neat I tell my friend "wow dude my Venmo transactions amounted to 7,267 pounds in 2014"

"What was it weighed in? Pennies?"

"Yeah... Its the only thing that makes cents"

Probably took him five seconds or so to get it but the eye roll followed shortly after

So me and my family were on our way to Florida for a trip to Universal and Harry Potter world. The five of us were crammed in one of the shuttles that you ride to get to the airport from the far hinterland where you park your car. My little brother, ever the curious one, is asking my mom about our upcoming flight. He asks "So where are we sitting on the flight?" My dad, who up until this point hadn't contributed much to the conversation, got the gleam of a dad in his eye. He gave a smirk and, before my mother could reply, said "Well I don't know about you, but I'll be sitting on my ass."

Last night my dad was showing me a gift he picked up for our annual white elephant gift exchange with the family at my grandparents house. It was a large wooden Reindeer, with Christmas light and decorations painted on it, and huge, baby-like eyes. This is how the conversation went. Dad: "I don't think it's too bad. It's kind of different, but not a bad present." Me: "It was a good gift, I don't think it's bad at all. It's enDEERing!" He smiles, gives me an overdramatic groan and eye-roll, and then high-fives me. I love my dad.