If you get in a kickboxing match with a lawnmower, you will be defeeted.
When you fart, your buttocks (butt talks)
I was at my dad's office doing some filing for him.
His secretary says, "Here, I have a job for you."
I respond, "Oh, what's that?"
My dad says from the back office, "It's this thing people do to earn money for themselves."
[my parents bickering like a married couple] My mom: don't get snippy! Lance: my hairdresser gets a bit snippy sometimes
Everyone else: good lord that was majestic
Talking to my dad about going to graduate school and studying neuroscience and such,
Dad-You should be an electrician instead
Me-Why?
Dad-So you can check girls' shorts
EDIT:Formatting
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Thanks for the Baghdad!
Father: What a horrible way to Dyson
Joke sucked, I know
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Trans-parent
Bi son!
However, after handing over his cash, he was only left with 10 cents. He didn't have enough money to catch a bus home. So he went to the telegram office. He asked the lady how much it was to send a telegram home. 10 cents a word she said.
Well, what one word could he send home to his father to explain the situation?
"Comfortable"
You could say I was grandfathered in.
Would that be considered a faux Pa?
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!
The man sitting next to her asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "Absolutely", she responds. So the man walks up to the podium and clears his throat. "Plethora" he says. Then he comes and sits back down. "Thank you", the woman says. "That means a lot."
Son, we are now Europeants!
I said don’t forget your Baghdad.
And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.
“Why don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;
but he stuck to his denial,
“You think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.
Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.
My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said “Well if the Foux shits...”
Because he had a dead beet dad.
Dad: How many dead people are in there?
Me: I have no idea
Dad: Hopefully all of them are.
Lame, I know, but this actually happened to me when I was 12
Where on Earth have you been?
Data
Dad: “Was her father a turkey?”
That’s a pro sparrow on your fleecy dad. Looking forward to a happy 2021!
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
By his dead bod
The law
It held sedimentary value
Apparent
I told her I might be running late and asked if we could make it 6:38 instead?
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
Kim Jong Ill
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
Bison..
It's a fuckin rock.
You must be built backwards because your feet smell and your nose runs.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
I have a girl I want to woo and take her to prom but I need some good material that is funny and gets to the point, I know this isn’t a joke but i really wanna take her to prom
Said everything Hertz
Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”
At which point he started to go downhill pretty fast
Dad: Urine big trouble buster
They are sitting on a beach gazing upon a water of other episodes, he asks "Dad what's that?" and father replies "That's season"
I’ll make you an offer I can’t understand.
