A man walked up to me and said "Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.

Sorry sorry sorry, sorry sorry sorry. Sorry sorry. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry."

"What are you doing?!" I asked him.

"I can only apologise."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2021
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Found it saved on my phone
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donkaholic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Nice and dead behind the eyes for my own pun
πŸ‘︎ 951
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emilyallday
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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I wonder if there will be a term for a President who’s been impeached twice

At least I know there won’t be two terms!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agrajag22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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I worked with this guy Rob once...

...who was trying to hide he was bald. He damaged his hairpiece, not sure how, and was having a new one shipped to the office.

He was already kind of embarrassed and told us all, if you see a package for Peters (his last name) just put it on my desk. So I happen to be the one who sees it and as I'm bringing it to him my other coworker Paul asks what I have in my hands.

"Oh this?" I say, "this is Rob Peters' toupee, Paul."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JSNhova
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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This cow definitely looks tired
πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elmielmosong
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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I once met a flat earthier who was really excited to tell me everything about the flat earth (not knowing that I believed in a round earth)

I told him, β€œwoah, slow down buddy. Curve your enthusiasm”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danlehavj
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Do you know why the say "be there or be square?"

Because you're not around.

πŸ‘︎ 524
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acanadianbloake
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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Story of a boy

I knew a young couple who had a baby boy they named Marco. They did not believe in vaccinations and at 8 Marco got polio and just could not stand it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arbdef
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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A typical joke from my dad

"I want to get a dog and name it 'Peeve,' that way I can have a pet Peeve."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/epg513
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2013
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I think this counts

I was cracking some walnuts open and asked my Dad:

"Dad, is there a machine or something that cracks nuts all day?"

He says "Something that breaks your nuts all day? That's called a Wife"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/naliao
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
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When ordering take out food...

This is something I do often and will get a wide variety of actions.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt sir?

Me (with a slightly weirded out and inquisitive expression): Are you sure you want me bringing this back once i'm done with it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snapsh0ts
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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I feel like I had a good one in real life yesterday...

Mom: Why don't you use the trowel?

Me: Let's just call a spade a spade.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FerralWombat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
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Why don't McDonald's sell steak sandwiches?

Because they wouldn't want to make any McSteaks.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PulpDood
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2014
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