A man walks into a bar and orders two beers, drinks them both and leave. The man comes back next year, orders two beers, drinks both and leaves.

The third time the bar tender asks why he does that. He said he comes every year on his dead brother’s birthday and has drink for himself and his brother. The next year he only ordered one beer, the bar tender was confused and asked why he only ordered one. He replied β€œI stopped drinking.”

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Send-Nud3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2021
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I only drink beer 3 days a week.

Yesterday, today & tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wildluciddreaming
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2021
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What kind of beer does a frog drink?

Gnatty light.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noobmoney_rs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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What kind of beer does a vampire drink?

Bloodweiser

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Felix-the-Bear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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What happens when you drink beer from a cup?

You both get drunk.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supersam1434
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, β€œI’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”

I said, β€œYeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you shit faced.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gun_God
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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I invented a revolutionary new kind of beer. The bursting of the CO2 bubbles once the bottle is open can actually filter the air around you as you drink.

I call it the HEPA-weizen.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErockLobster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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A Jewish beer company released a drink for men

It's called Hebrew

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
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A Scottish piece of copper wire walks into a bar, and his friend challenges him to drink a pint of beer in under 2 seconds. He responds...

I conduit

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jman2600
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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What kind of beer does a lumberjack drink?

Lagers

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keauxbi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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I was drinking a light beer when I suddenly got the urge to try a Blue Ribbon beer. I had the worst hangover... this is the 2nd time I've done this with the same result! The saying is true...

Those who cannot remember the Pabst are doomed to repeat it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2021
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Drinking beer with a philosopher....

Makes you nothing Budweiser.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trelas_123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.

It’s f*cking close to water.

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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A couple is sitting in the living room drinking beer

Out of the blue the husband says, β€œ I love you”

β€œ Is that you or the beer talking” asks the wife

β€œIt’s me” says the husband β€œtalking to the Beer”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?

A six pack.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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Pavlov is sitting at the bar, drinking a beer, when suddenly the phone rings. β€œOh shit!” he yells, jumping off the stool.

β€œI forgot to feed the dog!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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Just caught my dog drinking a beer at my computer.

No idea how she got a Wolfenstein.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wyllyam1111
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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I was drinking a beer with my dad

Then after taking a sip, he said "this beer is incredible, you put it in your mouth, and then it dissappears! ".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DutchDrummer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2016
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Was giving my wife a massage and drinking a beer

I told her she was getting a Rub and Chug... She promptly ended the massage.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoNotCool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Why do you always take 2 Mormons fishing?

1 will drink all your beer .

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomname31415
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2021
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The CEOs of Miller, Bud, and Guinness walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they'd like.

The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,

"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"

πŸ‘︎ 370
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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A man walks into a rooftop bar

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. β€œWhat are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

β€œMagic beer,” he says.

β€œOh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

β€œAmazing!” the man says. β€œLemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof β€”and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. β€œYou know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RockRida317
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2021
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A cat orders a drink.

A cat goes down to his local bar and sits at the counter. The bar tender walks over and asks the cat what will it be? The cat replies " Me thirsty. Me take a beer". Puzzled at the cats response the bartender says OK and fetches him a drink. The bartender comes back with the order and places the drink on the table.

The cat grabs the drinks and says, " Me thank you ". At this point the bartender realizes the cat speaks in 3rd person and thought nothing of it.

He tells the cat that the drink will be 5 dollars. The cat acknowledges the bartender and stands up to reach for his wallet out of his pocket. As he reaches down into his pocket a stranger walking by accidentally steps on the cats foot which caused the cat to shriek in pain.

"ME OW! ME OW! ME OW!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TragicallyTragic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2021
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A mother gave birth to a boy with a defect, he only had a head.

There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him. On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink. Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting β€œDrink, Drink!” His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again β€œDrink, Drink” He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldn’t believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said β€œHe should have quit while he was a head”

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-E-Droflah
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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Couple of my recent good ones

Was at my gf's house hanging out, drinking beers, watching tv, pizza in the oven, no kids, everything was just perfection. So the oven timer goes off and she gets up off the couch and goes to open the front door and I say "Babe, it's not delivery, it's DiGiorno." I can't remember what she threw at me.

More recently at her house, kids are eating at the table and the dog is in hover mode staring at their food. So she calls the dog and tells her to leave the boys alone when they're eating and is shaking a fist at her. So I said "Careful, she's a boxer." One kid spit out his food laughing. (Dog is a bulldog/boxer mix)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/o_4foxsake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2021
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Proud Dad Moment

I was having a beer when my toddler boy said to me "daddy. why do you like beer so much? the bottle does not look nice. my bottle is nicer." (Yes he still drinks with a milk bottle lol) I told him I drink it because of what's inside the bottle, to which he said something (making reference to something my wife likes to say) that gave me a proud dad moment.

"Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vitavitivito
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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My oldest son just came in...

...and asked me, "Mom, how well can you hold your beer?"

"I don't like beer."

"Ok, your drink, then."

"Pretty damn well, better than you for sure."

"What if your glass was slippery?"

Ugh... he's only 15 and ready to be a dad, it seems. I threw my box of tissues at him.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrailMomKat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.

He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.

After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.

A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.

After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"

The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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Beer time

I did some yardwork yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berryville_con
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
The benefits of beer listed in bullet pints:

🍺 Beer is more nutritious than other alcoholic drinks.

🍺 Beer can help protect your heart.

🍺 Beer helps prevent kidney stones.

🍺 Beer lowers bad cholesterol.

🍺 Beer strengthens your bones.

🍺 Beer helps reduce stress.

🍺 Beer may help improve memory.

🍺 Beer helps cognitive function.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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Andy was frustrated.

His wife always complained that he wasn't good enough in bed and that she wasn't satisfied. He went to the local bar to get a drink and cool off for a bit. On reaching the bar, he ordered a beer and sat down. His friend, Mike saw him sitting alone and walked up to him. He asked Andy what happened to which Andy told him the situation. Mike said that he had a simple trick which never failed and told Andy to hit his meat on the bedpost three times before sex. Andy rushed home to perform this trick. He saw that his wife was lying on the bed with the lights off. Slowly he took off his pants and hit his meat three times on the bedpost. Dum, dum, dum. His wife immediately woke up and shouted, "Mike, is that you?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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Reddit Obligations:

I don't have any original material at the moment, but the obligations are still there. So I present the following:

How do you get a baby satellite to sleep? You rocket!

Why was Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Eggs don't tell jokes because they always crack up.

What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he still won't come

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bross-Hog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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My son drank his first beer

He didn’t like it. I told him he should drink two cups of tea before he drinks a beer, because two teas make beer better.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iliveinyreyes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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I need a pun

Idk if this fits this sub, but I'm planning a Halloween costume and just need a punny name for it.

I'm going to wear timberland boots, camo cargo pants, an olive/brown/green/earth t-shirt, aviator sunglasses, and get a beer bandolier.

I need a solider/army/military + beer/alcohol/drinking pun to name the costume. Any suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcg32195
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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A man and a woman are at a bar

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadeToDisagree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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A man takes his wife to an unusual restaurant where you must stand in separate lines for each food item ...

As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.

He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. β€œWhat would you like to drink?” he asks.

β€œA glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.

Sometimes there is no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Curmudgeon1836
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Dadjokes at the bar

I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink.

Husband: "Do you have (so and so) beer?"

Bartender: "Hang on a sec, I'll check."

As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing.

Wife: "Honey, why are your arms in the air?"

Husband: "I'm hanging on."

The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins.

So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no! He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer.

Husband: "Can I stop hanging on now?"

Bartender groans.

Wife: "Yes, please."

I admire his dedication. And his taste in beer.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toews4pres
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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A grasshopper walks into a bar...

He orders a beer from the bartender who says to him, "Hey, you know we got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper replies, "You've got a drink named Fred?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeChadley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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Ordering snails

After a long day of work i came home and asked my wife what's for dinner. She didn't know either so i said, you know what? Lets go for a fancy dinner at the restaurant, we're gonna eat some snails.

She wasn't interested in going out and said, you know what why don't you go to the night shop and pick up some snails and some red wine. And so i did..

On my way back home from the night shop i come across some friends dragging me to the bar. I end up drinking beers until 5 in the morning and then finally decide to go home. Grabbing the keys in my pocket i manage to drop the snails i bought at the night shop.

Now, at my doorstep, i ring the bell. My wife opens up and asks me where i was for the last few hours. I look at the ground and say "hurry up you damn snails we're almost there".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PokaYoka
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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You're in a cave, faced by a lion, a bear and a jaguar, with a gun and one bullet. What do you do?

Shoot the lion, drink the beer and drive away in the jaguar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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