How does a dog stop a TV show....

He presses paws!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lodiman77
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2021
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A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks

"woof" guy replies

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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Why did the dog not show his mom any affection?

He didnโ€™t have his Licker license

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Glen_Davis0
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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A cat won a dog show

It was a cat-has-trophy

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hungaryisinasia
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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What do you call it when too many dogs show up at the emergency room?

Roverdose

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/keithmcgreggor84
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A cat has trophy.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vibrate
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2015
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A dyslexic televangelist had to wear a brace on his leg while on TV. It was a dog and poor knee show.

I'll be here all day.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoshWithaQ
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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It really is a weakness
๐Ÿ‘︎ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ToastyZ71
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Wife says I wonโ€™t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/amalgamxtc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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A cop just showed up and arrested our dog!

He had som unpaid barking tickets.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GUNGUNM4N
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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The police just showed up at my neighborโ€™s house and arrested their dog...

Apparently he has to many unpaid barking tickets.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/StallionThatMounts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Saw this in a YouTube video, thought it belonged here.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Motor46
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10 2019
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They say you can identify a tree by its bark, but this one has me stumped.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bladingbeckie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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Anyone I ever dated was impressed when I told them I liked to relax on my poop deck.

They were always disappointed when I showed them it was just a regular deck with dog poop on it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Guy goes into a pet store

So a guy decides he wants to buy the world's most unique pet. He goes to the pet store.

He looks at a cat and a dog. Not unique enough.

He looks at a hamster and a guinea pig. Please.

The pet store guy shows him a porpoise in a tank. He says "what's unique about that" and the pet store guy says "this one will live forever".

So he buys two.

He takes them home and puts them in his bathtub.

He feeds them. He tries feeding them fish, shrimp, waffles, everything. They won't eat anything.

So he goes back to the pet store, and says "they won't eat anything I give them" and the pet store guy says "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, the only thing they will eat is mynah birds."

He says "mynah birds. Really?" and the pet store guy says "yep".

So he buys a couple mynah birds and takes them home.

When he gets home, there's a lion sleeping on his front step. Yes, a lion.

He thinks, that's a little strange, but I've got these mynahs and I've got to feed my pets. So he steps over the sleeping lion and takes the mynahs inside.

Just then, a cop jumps out of the bushes and arrests him.

He says "come on! What's the charge"

And the cop says

"transporting mynahs across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 75
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheseWereThePlaces
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2019
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Flirting for dads

I took my dog called Pilky (named after Karl Pilkington) for a walk in the park. We stopped for a minute so he could have some fun in the grass, when this girl walks by.

Her: What a cutie

Me: Thanks, I just had a new haircut.

She gives me a puzzled look when suddenly she gets it.

She: that's funny.

Me: No, that's Pilky.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jellevdv
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2014
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costelloโ€™sย radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if Iโ€™d have been wearing a license plate, heโ€™d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen โ€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother โ€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, Iโ€™m not talking about that. What is the dogโ€™s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, โ€ฆ
Lou Costello: Thatโ€™s it, Abbott! Heโ€™s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editorโ€™s note: we now call an โ€œiceboxโ€ a โ€œrefrigeratorโ€)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DeviantClam
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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I own a kennel. Apparently, its conditions were so unsanitary that the UN had to get involved. When I came back from vacation, I asked my associate where all my animals had gone.

He replied "WHO let the dogs out."

"Who?"

"WHO"

"Who???"

"WHO"

I'll show myself out.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 47
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShowingMyselfOut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
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Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: โ€œHey, weโ€™ve got a whisky named after you.โ€ The horse replies: โ€œWhat, George?โ€


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. โ€œEveninโ€™โ€ says the barman, โ€œwhy the long face?โ€


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: โ€œWait you canโ€™t come in here without a tie.โ€The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: โ€œThis alright?โ€ The barman says: โ€œHmm, okโ€ฆ but donโ€™t be starting anything.โ€


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: โ€œI shouldnโ€™t really be drinking this with what Iโ€™ve got?โ€ โ€œWhy, what have you got?โ€ โ€œAbout ยฃ2 and a carrot.โ€


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside Whatโ€™s a horseโ€™s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,โ€ he asks The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sir,โ€ says the barman. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. โ€œExcuse me, good sir,โ€ the horse says, โ€œare you hiring?โ€ The manager looks the horse up and down and says, โ€œSorry, pal. Why donโ€™t you try the circus?โ€ The horse nickers. โ€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?โ€


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? โ€œIโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!โ€


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horseโ€™s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? Iโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2017
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My wife is the dad of the house now.

We are watching a show that takes place in Newfoundland. They had a wierd accent, so I asked my wife: "Do Newfoundlanders really talk that way?" Without missing a beat: "I don't know, I've only met the dogs and they don't talk much. "

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/araw
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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And everybody's invited!

Taking a shit. Daughter and dog come storming through the door and want to hang out in the bathroom. Mom asks what's going on. "It's a real shit show in here!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/-ipseDixit-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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A coworker got us good today...

Him: Did you guys see that video on YouTube with the boxer that shit all over the ring after he won?

Us: What?!? No! Where was this?

Him: (straight face) The Westminister dog show.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Slayback
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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Dad dropped this one at the pet store today... I love you dad.

So there was a stand in the store showing off young homeless puppies, which needed to be bought. I walked over and pet one of the dogs. My dad, watching from over my shoulder, grabbed my wrist and said, "Come on Charlie, you just ate!" And all the stay at home moms and 6 year old girls just stood in amazement at me and my dad. I jolted out of the store, (dad following) and we drove home. (We already had all we needed) I just laughed, looked at him and said "I love you dad"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tunanin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad's from today: What comes before Vladimir Putin?

Vladimir eating a bean burrito.


Facepalm dad.

He also had one and I will quote:


"What do Dateline, Anderson Cooper 360 & 20/20 have in common?"

"I don't know dad. Can we just have lunch?"

"The first two are news shows and the third is what your mother drank for breakfast....Get it? Like MadDog 20/20."

Then, arm to God, he went

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lsirius
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 76
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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