You know the d-pad on a controller right?

Well mine seems to be missing. It must have just downright up and left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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Pad Duns! :D
πŸ‘︎ 397
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stha118
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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A Dutch pun
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LittleKidLover10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Lazy Christmas morning, my wife is looking at the weather, says there will be periods of rain today.

I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that? Without a pause, she says: Depends

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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What do you call paper you can’t trust?

A sketch pad

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Where do South American frogs live?

Chile Pad.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikePVT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Gandhi

Gandhi, by the time he died, he was a very thin and elderly man who had walked almost everywhere he went barefoot causing thick pads on the bottom of his feet. He was also an extremely wise man who many considered a seer, and he ate ethnic Indian cuisine causing bad breath........Turns out he was a super fragile calloused mystic hexed by halitosis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aw8nf8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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What did Anakin say to his wife when he needed some paper?

Padme

(As in, pad of paper)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PonianYoutube
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Not really a dad joke, but...

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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My 7yo cousin told my dad this joke yesterday:

Context: Yesterday my dad and I were cruising around doing some father's day bonding. We see a big grassy field with some trees in it and he says, "That looks like a great place to play frisbee." I respond, "And an even better place to play frisbee golf!" (A game we made up where you throw frisbees around trees)

My cousin was quietly playing on her iPad when she responds, "That's hockey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindsbo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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I used to work as a chef and I had so many utensils that I rented a unit to keep them all in.

It was my spatula pad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Why did the cat decide to become a DJ?

He heard there was a lot of scratching involved.

I just texted this to my wife, and she told me to get away from her. xD

I came up with this one as I was looking at my son's mouse pad he got for christmas. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DGXR859/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boomkiller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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How does Pink order takeout?

I'm comin' up so you better get this pad-thai started.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mgsyzygy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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I asked my daughter if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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If i was an astronaut, before every mission i would sit down with my wife and tell her

"listen honey, its not that i want a divorce, i just think i need some space." Then i would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASpellingAirror
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2015
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Not so much a Dd joke, more a Grand-Dad joke.

When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.

After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".

He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.

Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCaptainOats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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What's it with Eminem and Dad jokes?

I mean... just look at those:

- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?

to spite her man. -River

- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?

Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem blow?

All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God

- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?

Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?

He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God

- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?

Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar

- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?

He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You

And these are just a select few.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenaPhoenix
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Do you know why girls hate hockey?

Because they have to change their pads after every period

(Another joke courtesy of my father, he’s 2 for 2 tonight)

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Primusmulti
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Found out last night that my 7 year old son is a dad

On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.

>wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.

Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders.

I have never been so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jessesc123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
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Dadjoked my dad

My dad was having a hard time deciding if he should let his new mattress pad air out before putting it on his bed. I said "Well, why don't you sleep on it?".

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mariyahyfr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
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Landed this on the 'Genius' in the Apple store...

Took my iMac in because the hard disc failed. The machine is 6 yrs old so I was made to feel embarrassed coz it was 'vintage and obsolete, Apple don't carry parts and can't help'. I was becoming a bit pissed off at the attitude I was getting then more pissed off when Mr Genius started to tell me to buy some suction pads that glaziers use to carry sheets of glass around, pull out the screen, undo 18 screws etc etc to change the disc myself. That's when I hit him with...

"Glaziers' suction pads? I thought they were only compatible with windows"

He didn't even flinch. Just completely ignored it and carried on sneering at me for having the audacity to be using an old machine. I left feeling like a piece of shit with only pride in my joke keeping me going.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smithmf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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Shouldn't NASA's company cafeteria be named ...

The Lunch Pad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2016
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I was making Asian noodles with my girlfriend

and said, "If I had an apartment in Thailand, I'd call it my Pad Thai."

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plutoisplanet9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
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I renamed the router

I installed a new router at our home and of course it is only prudent to rename the SSID to something other than the default. I named it "BasicallyASeriesOfTubes".

Which, when I explained it to the family, I showed them an iPad connected to

>The Internet, which is BasicallyASeriesOfTubes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamonlyoneman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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Not a dad, but I think I am prepared... Well everyone in line thought so anyway.

This starts and ends at the local coffee shop I go to on the way to work. My cashier takes my order; sausage, egg & cheese with salt, pepper, ketchup and hot sauce, on toasted rye. She taps away for a moment on the iPad POS then looks up and says "and a name for the sandwich?" to which I quickly raise my chest and proclaim "Breakfast!". To this all 6 people in the shop, including the cashier started chuckling.

[drop mic]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractalphony
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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What's the Apple store in Bangkok's number one product......?

.....iPad thai

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
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Multi whammy

There we are, sitting in my parents living room when my mom asks me "how do I get my iPhone and iPad in sync?" I told her "ask my sister, just hope she doesn't make them in sync on the backstreet" to which my dad chimed in "boy that ain't no lie". So I said "I know. I think I need to go home. Bye bye bye."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thintoast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2015
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What is the difference between Steve Jobs and a pirate?

One has the iPad and the other eye patch.

Credit to my brother, who is a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oh_so_Trajan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2016
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Amphibious Lending policies

A frog walks into a bank. He walks up to a desk and sees the name plate "Patty Whack Loan Officer". He says "I'd like to get a loan to start a business making lily-pad art." Patty, a little put off by a talking frog says "Okay, but we are going to need some kind of collateral." The frog says"I have this." and he puts a small porcelain figurine on her desk. She says "That's very nice but I'm not sure it's enough. Do you have any references?" "Sure!" the frog replies. "My Father is Mic Jager!" Further taken aback, Patty says, "I'll have to check this with the bank manager." She calls the bank manager over and explains the odd situation. "I don't know what's going on...this frog says his father is Mic Jager and all he has for collateral is this...figurine thing." The bank manager looks up and smiles at her and says "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quicksdraw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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Food truck server got me the other day.

Buying from a food truck, so I'd made sure to get cash in case it was cash-only. However, I noticed they had a square plugged into an iPad.

"For future reference, I guess you guys take cards?"

"Yeah, and we give them back, too!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostelephant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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Can a dadjoke be PG-13? I don't see why not!

So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.

My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"

Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"

Worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
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Dadjoke alert on the World wide web.

http://www.tuaw.com/2014/03/14/a-nice-sterile-eye-pad/?ncid=rss_truncated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Verapamil123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
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The Most Fun My Dad Will Have with the PS4

So my dad picked up my brother's Playstation 4 from BestBuy and called me.

Dad: "Yea, we picked up the Playstation today and now I can't get your mother off the thing."

That didn't sound like my mom. She barely knows how to use her iPad, so I said "huh?"

He replies, "She's sitting on it."

... facepalm.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourfourjew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2013
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My dad never misses an opportunity

My mom is a recovering stroke victim and walked with one of those four-pronged canes. she came inside and realized on of the rubber pad things fell off the cane in the yard. I ran outside to find it. When I came back in, I yelled "I found the rubber!" To which my father replied "Good. We wouldn't want her having unprotected steps!"

Buh-dum chhh!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeglessPete
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2014
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My Dad got my mom and sister today...

Mom: "Come check out all the birds in the backyard!"
Dad: Looks out window, "hmm, there doesn't seem to be any tits out there today"
Mom and Sister have confused looks on faces.
My dad then proceeds to pull up a pic on his iPad of a bird called the "Long-tailed Tit", and says "see, no Tits!"
Groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Howzie09
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
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Totally got my fellow law student

Our law fraternity, Phi Alpha Delta is hosting a luncheon with a panel of lawyers today. A friend and I in the frat were talking about what's on the menu, which neither of us knew. Finally, I just said "maybe they'll serve PAD Thai."

Her grimace and groan will fuel my afternoon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToonaTheCat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
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Swiffer pads.

About a week ago, tonic water exploded out of the bottle as I was opening it, showering the kitchen. I was cleaning up, and decided to bust out the swiffer pad, because it's faster. (Heh.)

Anyway, this is the conversation that followed between my girlfriend and I.

> Her - Ugh those swiffer pads smell awful.

> Me - Really? Huh. I hadn't noticed.

> Her - Yeah, remind me to pick some up at the store.

A short silence.

> Me - Hey babe...?

> Her, leaving the room - I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ARE REMINDING ME TO BUY SWIFFER PADS RIGHT NOW.

> Me - I'm not! Just wanted to say I love you.

> Her - Awww that is so sweet!

> Me - Also, remember to buy swiffer pads when you go to the store.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theintention
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Technological difficulties

Me: Hey Dad why aren't the wedding photos on the cloud? I can't see them on my iPad.

Dad: I uploaded them on a sunny day.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BUTT-PASTA
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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Co-Worker Hit Me With This One

(I gave a couple people a ride home after work and we stopped at walmart.)

Me: I looked around in the electronics department and found a new mouse pad.

Co-Worker: Oh yeah?

Me: Yeah, I opted to go with the larger one.

Co-Worker: So its a rat pad?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haylow1221
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2014
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At a 60th Wedding Anniversary Reception when...

One of the distant aunts is walking around to each table taking pictures with her iPad for the couple the reception is for. She asks:

"They would like a picture of each table" father in law chimes in... "Just the table or could I be in it too?" She laughs and holds up the iPad for the picture. Father in law sounds out "Great, now she's reading her tablet instead of taking pictures"

Classic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kristopherbanner
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
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You know the d-pad on a controller right?

Mine seems to be missing, it must've just downright up and left.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damndude11
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
🚨︎ report

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