Do you ever wonder if a cow thinks her calf who won't nurse.....

Is an utter disappointment?

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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If a baby cow is called a calf what is a baby pig called?

A hamstring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AugustBurnsWill
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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What did the mama cow say to her calf?

It's pasture bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSBoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2017
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One of my cows had a calf today.

Now she's de-calf-enated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyquill81
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
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9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oliumzen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Cow jokes that are great for making your kids' eyes roll :

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef!

What do you call a cow after it gives birth? De-calf-enated!

Did you hear about that cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.

(After they beg you to stop, hit them with: "Ok, it's time too mooooove on to some different jokes. These cow jokes are getting udderly ridiculous.")

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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What an absolute ewenit
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aevaeternity
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Holy cow!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fwipojr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2017
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A dad's joke about milk.

Some context: my dad listed the drinks we had, which read "orange juice, decaf, milk."

Me: (jokingly) Decaf milk?

Dad: All milk is decaf because we get it and the calf doesn't!

The man is legendary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fagballs3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2017
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Heres a good one

Okey so theres a mom cow and her kid at a gym and the shes working on her calf and they’re about to leave but then the baby cow starts rolling on the ground throwing a tantrum [mom cow/mc] Stop rolling on the floor and move! [baby cow/bc]* keeps rolling around crying* [mc] theres a good chance if you dont stop You’ll be grounded beef [bc] realizing the steaks are high he stops rolling around and gets up a manager has seen all of this [manager] Hay mam, just wanted to say you milked the situation on the spot. [mc] she states that this would be a tail to tell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xnuggetz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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My father is 75 today!

We’re celebrating and in the middle of the room he pulls up his pant leg and starts massaging his calf.

Me, thinking I’m smart, ask my 6yo daughter to ask my father how old his calf is.

6yo: β€œPipa, how old is that calf?”

Pipa: β€œ75, you’d think it’d be a cow by now.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/majormajor42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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Deja Moo

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)


Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.


In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.


When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.


I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!


I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.


Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyCasey412
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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A city slicker moves to the country with the idea to start a farm.

He can't afford to buy a whole herd of cows all at once, but he figures he can start small and work up. So he buys a dozen cows and two bulls. He puts the bulls in separate pastures, and splits the cows evenly, and waits. After a couple weeks, he realizes that most of the cows in one pasture are pregnant, but on the other side of the fence, nothing has been happening. He calls up his neighbor, Elmer, an old country feller who has been farming since he could walk. "See, there's your problem," the old man says, "That one's a bull, but the other's a steer." The city slicker says, "Well, I don't know what the difference is. Could you put it in terms I might understand better?" Elmer says, "Well..."

"One's regular and the other is de-calf."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
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What do you call a cow with two legs, and other cow jokes.

Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef

Why didn't the pregnant cow want to take aerobics?

She didn't want to sprain her calf.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

de-calf-inated

Why do cows wear bells?

because their horns don't work

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shlupieus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
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My Dad on Cows Giving Birth

Dad walks in

Dad: "Hey son, do you know what you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?"

Me: "No idea... What is it?"

Dad: "Decaffeinated!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beardski98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
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Sleep-Deprivation Fueled Pun War

My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:

L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O

B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.

L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.

B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!

L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.

B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...

L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.

B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.

L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.

B: Bull!

L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...

B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.

L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.

B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.

L: I know when I'm getting creamed.

B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.

L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.

B: And I just keep churning 'em out...

L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.

B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!

L: I thought I might've butchered it...

B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...

L: Well done, well done...

B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.

L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.

B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...

L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p

B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.

L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.

B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.

L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guerrilla154
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
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Mom was making coffee after a steak dinner...

"I'll have some De-calf after De-cow"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samburgerhelper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2014
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My dad laid this one on me right before I hung up.

As I was saying goodbye, he says "oh wait, one more thing. What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated... you know... like the coffee!" It was all I could do to not let out a groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cresano
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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A sequence of Cow Jokes

What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom What do you call a cow with one leg? A Steak What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milk shake What do you call a cow that just had a baby? De-calf (inated)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carolineb647
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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Classic Dad.

Dad: What do you call a cow that just had a calf?

Me: ??

Dad: Decaffeinated!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rybuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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