What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?

A chive mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanatrix
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Scientists published a paper on grapes, consciousness and fruit rights.

It is basically all about raisin awareness.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said β€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied β€œWell, the girl’s name is Denise!” β€œOh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” β€œDenephew”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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What do you call a paint that lost consciousness?

Faint

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrdLord
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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I transferred my consciousness into a legume

I’m a human bean

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megadecimal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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What happens to the fabric when it reaches consciousness?

It becomes a wear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeanemicha
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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I think something is wrong with my pet Chicken, it keeps losing consciousness.

Maybe it's just eggsausted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/State_Farm_Jake
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
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Why did the French cheese-lovers develop class consciousness?

They realised there was one RoulΓ© for the rich and another RoulΓ© for the rest of society.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/intercroissant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaurdoI
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the opposite side of the museum hall, and I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was so much history between us.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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What do you call a consciously imperceivable message travelling at 0.5c?

A subluminal subliminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephwb
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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A woman tripped and fell off the balcony and had been cut in half. Still conscious, she was quickly rushed to the hospital...

Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family? Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure Manager: β€œshe was ALL RIGHT.” Me: oh, I thought you were going to say β€œThere’s nothing LEFT.” The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slammin_Salmon94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
watch out, he might still be conscious
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boi_heavy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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Fish must be very conscious their weight,

Because they always have scales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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My health conscious date asked me how many liters are there in a glass of coke.

I said 4 liters, 9 if you include the glass.

She said: "What!?"

Me: Yea.

Liter C.

Liter O.

Liter K.

Liter E.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Decrith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Gabe was muttering incoherently. He'd been up all night studying for the history exam.

I poked my head in his room, and he was blathering about how he wanted to quit school and be a truck driver.

"I'm gonna get one of those big beautiful Peterbuilts, with all the running lights everywhere. Or maybe a Mack with an extended cab..."

"Better brew him a pot of coffee," I told his mother. "The final is in a half hour, and he's only semi-conscious."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What was the health conscious, drug addict's favourite drink?

Pill lattes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamalalAtete
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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what do health conscious zombies use for sandwiches?

whole brain bread

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shatguy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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My environmentally conscious friend built a car with wooden doors, wooden engine and a wooden chassis.

Unfortunately it wooden work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the cube self-conscious?

Because it didn't have any curves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xEdiddy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Why was the rug self-conscious?

Because it was floored.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteadyingRuck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I bought a book about hair loss today because I've been feeling a bit self conscious lately...

...all the pages fell out...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
🚨︎ report
In his previous career as a tightrope walker, Frankie Avalon learned to be very safety conscious.

He never worked without a net.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
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A new study finds fish are increasingly weight conscious.

Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nothingsexy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad pulls up to a red light, Car next to him revs the engine and yells "race?"

Dad responds "Hispanic!"

πŸ‘︎ 717
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πŸ‘€︎ u/strider820
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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Insect rescue

Recently a moth flew into our sliding glass door and fell to the ground. It must have been stunned and barely conscious. Luckily, I was able to revive it using mouth to moth resuscitation!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbakernola
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Man with a wooden eye

There was a man, who in high-school, had a wooden eye. He was quite self conscious about it, so when it came time for the school dance, he didn't have the nerve to ask a girl to dance. He would go up to a girl and she would turn away instantly. He was very discouraged, until he saw across the room a girl, alone with a peg leg. He thought "perfect! she might want to dance with me!" and walked over. When he asked her to dance, she looked up grinning and said "Would i? Would I?!" offended, he looked back and said. "Peg leg! peg leg!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CedarDragon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
🚨︎ report
In college, I always fell asleep during my β€œIntro to Marxism” lectures.

I found it hard to achieve class consciousness.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A rhinoceros wakes to find itself in a room with no doors or windows.

All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.

Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.

The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.

In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.

After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.

...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,

"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shigglesmcwhigley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
🚨︎ report
I built a cupboard, but I don't want to show you...

..because I'm too shelf-conscious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxofrabbits
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the programmers act so nice to the AI?

Because it was really self conscious

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hisheeps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
🚨︎ report
The local librarian is obviously a dad.

Me: I'd like to check these [books] out.

Librarian: Sorry, that's actually against the rules.

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
🚨︎ report
I had to buy some new shelves at IKEA today

I was feeling a little shelf-conscious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paper-tigers
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the obese man start carrying around a small bic in each pocket?

Because he was self conscious and just wanted to feel a little lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imnotwitty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend built a bookcase...

He didn't think it looked very good though.

I told him he was being too shelf conscious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpilepticMoose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
🚨︎ report
I was at the museum and I saw my ex girlfriend across the hall, but was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the fish so conscious about it’s weight?

Because it had too many scales

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manly-potato
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the fish so conscious about it’s weight?

Because it had too many scales

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manly-potato
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw my ex wife from across the hall in a museum...

I was too self conscious to say hello.

I mean there was all this history between us!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
"Excuse me, I'd like to check these books out..."

The librarian replied, "Sorry, that's actually against the rules. You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2016
🚨︎ report

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