Mate died today by falling into a vat of coffee!

Luckily it was instant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-am-Just-Sam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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The guy who stole my diary has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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Just heard the world paper tearing champion has died....

RIP.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bilgerat78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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My dad died on 02/19/18, this joke came to me while signing paperwork at the funeral home...

What do they call the best salesman at a funeral home?

The Top Urner

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catatonicpotato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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My dad died in 2004, we still get calls for him at times.

this happened a few years ago. It's about my dad and something my dad would have laughed hard at.

phone rings I pick up

me: Hello

TeleMarketer: Hello is Mr ThrashandBurn's Dad available?

Me: ahhhh no he isn't

TM: do you know a better way to reach him?

with out hesitation

ME: Not unless you got a shovel.

I could hear him holding back his laugh wile trying to give his condolences.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrashAndBurn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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Dad usually types on his phone with one finger.…

...until today when I caught him texting with both his thumbs.

Being the sarcastic smart are son of his, I asked " when did you learn to type with both thumbs?" he smiled and happily replied: "The day I learned I was Ambi'text'rous".

He laughed for about 5 minutes and proceeded on to tell mum and my brother about his funny pun

Good one dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheesues
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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Was talking to my dad about his knee operation

He told me he had 5 knees now Left knee

Right knee

Kidney

Hiney

And weenie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bretnova
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
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Language doesn't matter in the art of dad joke

My first language is Arabic. This conversation happened in Arabic with my dad. So I was telling my dad that I got an A in one of my courses and he asked me what course. I wrote it as math but in Arabic letters and I didn't use the Arabic word for it. And in Arabic the word math sounds a lot like the word for died.

Me: math Dad: my condolences

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNightmare210
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2014
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[LONG] Found this on my girlfriend's Dad's facebook.

Sorry, but I need to vent!! So I went to Target to get some clearance Halloween stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?! I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone b/c I'm getting a little uncomfortable. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my son who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like buuuuh?!??!, but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What?!!!" She said, "Your mom said you were paying for her last few items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my mom. She said, well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like OMG...I flew out of the store looking for this horrible person, ready to drag her back in, I see her loading up her car! She saw me and jumped in her car, I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg hard enough that her wooden leg came off!! Omg how is this happening right now?! So I grabbed her other leg and started pulling! Just like I'm pulling yours right now!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/haucker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
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Brothers

It's not really funny, but it's one I've heard from my dad. And also English isn't my first language.

Two brothers were going over country border in two cars. The first brother was so drunk that he was crying. The border police stopped him, took his ID and asked him why was he crying. He said that his dad has died, they said their condolences and let him go. Then they stopped his brother, took his ID and saw that they have the same last name. They said their condolences to him and he looked at them like he had no idea what they were talking about. They saw that and asked him if his dad has died and he said 'Yeah but 20 years ago.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schm3tt3rling
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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