A lifelong commitment to a pun
Life/ commitment advice from my dad
"Son, excuses are like assholes. Everyone in this life has one, but not everyone uses them for the right reason."
DadJoke Commitment
My dad's favorite movie of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart. If you haven't seen the movie, you won't get this.
So, my dad changed his text-tone on his phone to a really high-pitched "diiing!". And I shit you not, every time, without fail, whenever he gets a text, he says, "Another angel just got his wings!"
My left knee has never committed a crime.
I can’t say the same for his felony.
What do you call a bird that has committed a crime?
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side.
What do you call someone who commits arson in late November?
The author of Webster's dictionary committed suicide with the book he wrote.
At least he died on his own terms.
What crime did a test commit?
It didn't commit a crime, the teacher just told me to turn it in.
How did Hitler know it was time to commit sucide.
If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada
is it a 34 degree murder in the US?
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Why did the french chef committed suicide??
He lost his huile d'olive
Why did the math book commit suicide?
Because he had a lot of problems.
Schrodinger’s Cat has committed unforgivable crimes.
He is wanted dead and alive.
An avocado thief was caught committing a crime...
I heard they tried to get away ,but they didn’t av a car doe...
Did you hear that Thanos was committed to an insane asylum? It's true.
What does Venom use to commit crimes online?
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid
Did you hear about the Italian who committed identity theft?
Police say he was an impasta
If you get released from a mental institutional, and then get committed again-
Did you hear about the grape that betrayed his country?
I had a dream where I was a wharf accused by the state of committing a crime...
I had a right to trial with a jury of my piers.
What do you call a crime committed by a cat?
Norway just made the decision to put QR codes on the side of all its war ships.
Now they can Scandinavian!
My dog ate a string of Christmas lights, but the vet was able to remove them.
Why did the train conductor commit a crazy crime?
Because he had a Loco-motive
What do you call someone who commits a murder with a deck of cards that only has clubs, spades, and diamonds?
A scuba diver committed suicide today
He just couldn’t handle the pressure.
I have commited several war crimes in uzbeckistan and am giving myself in for gassing hundreids of civillian houses
What crime did the forest commit?
what did the depressed water park attendant think of at the top of a high rise building?
4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for
The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder
The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault
The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs
The Fourth man simply says: Arson
The Second man asks him: What degree was it?
The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish
I committed Seppuku once. I don't think I have the guts to do it again.
Seppuku is the suicidal act of stabbing yourself in the stomach.
If you harm someone who's had a sex change...
...You've committed a transgression.
What crime do you commit when you throw a text book?
Why did the car commit murder
A butt lit a house on fire...
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Did you hear about the string of bank robberies committed by a guy dressed up like Jesus?
The cops finally nailed him.
Why did police believe a duck had committed the robbery?
Because he fit the bill of the one they were looking for.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
But only if you throw it hard enough
Did you hear about the serial killer with no nose?
He committed scentless acts of violence!
My dress shirts all committed treason.
So they were sentenced to hanging.
The court committed me to the psych ward today.
What did the fish say before commiting murder?
What do you call it when 7 Austrian children get you to commit a crime?
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