CloudMe Puns

Me: I'm next to a cloud that looks like a lion?

ATC: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

She was having a great time spotting shapes. "That looks like a rabbit! And that looks like a dolphin!"

Wanting to be part of the fun I pointed at one and said, "That looks like the letter 'i' in the English alphabet!" She rolled her eyes at me in distaste.

Soon, it started raining heavily. So heavy was the rain, that we heard a loud creak in the house, followed by the sound of a window crashing on the pavement below.

Not giving up, I said, "Looks like windows... does not support the i Cloud."

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Me: Got to see a bit of the moon tonight before clouds came in.

Mom: Was it a new moon?

Dad: No? It's been the same moon for millions of years.

Thank you.

When my twin boys were 2 or 3 I used to jump off of the picnic table in the back yard and pull a piece of cloud (marshmallow) off and hand it to them. I asked them about it several years later and they remember me actually jumping into the sky and that the marshmallow was actually a piece of cloud. It’s amazing how the mind works.

A little context. We have 2 dogs... it's warm... they shed... ALOT. My wife picked up her flip flops and they were covered in dog fur. She shook them off and a cloud of fur wafted through the kitchen.

Wife: Ya know what doesn't shed?

Me: What?

Wife: Fish. Fish don't shed. But they don't cuddle either.

Me: You could get a cuttlefish!

Her eyes rolled so far into the back of her head she was looking down

Wife: Okay that one should go on reddit.

My girlfriends mom: "That storm cloud is really making me nervous!"

Girlfriends brother: "Oh, I'm pretty sure it's going to pass over."

Me: "Passover? It's Easter!"

Me: Hey Dad why aren't the wedding photos on the cloud? I can't see them on my iPad.

Dad: I uploaded them on a sunny day.

Me: (looks up) Wow! There's not a single cloud in the sky!

Daughter: (looks up) What are you talking about?

Me: There's not.

Daughter: Dad, there are like... (gets it) Daughter: (scowls)

I have a buddy who was flying out today and he was looking at a weather map trying to layout his flight path. But he was frustratingly listing all of the bad weather conditions that he has to avoid along the way.

Him: "Dang, there's some cumulonimbus clouds over there. This part is going to be really turbulent. And there's icing!"

Me: "Wait, why don't you like icing? That's what makes cake so tasty!"

Him: stares at me intensely

Me: dad, did you hear about the celebrity photo leaks?

Dad: Yes I did. I just don't know how the photos got out...

Me: well, some hackers got into iCloud and everyone is scared that ittl happen to them as well.

Dad: I don't know why they are scared. It's not always cloudy outside.

Me: dad, I need your credit card for $0.99 to buy 20gb of iCloud storage for my phone.

Dad: shakes head in confusion You need what?

Me: I need $1 for iCloud storage...

Dad: I can see why you would need it in the summer, but it's winter and there are plenty of clouds in the sky...

I'm playing skyrim but I'm too much of a lazy bum to walk/run to my destination so I go into console and type in tcl and just run straight through the clouds to my quest. My friend asks me what I'm doing (he just walked in and isn't looking at me) and I explain that I'm hovering 3000 or so feet above a major city. "Hamza," he asks, "how many drugs are you on?" "Oh, I'm not on drugs. I'm just really high."

It's lame but it's my first one and I'm rather proud of it.