ChatON Puns

My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):

I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing😬👍

Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work.

Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner"

Me "No, I would say you look about 40"

Not even a chuckle from him 😒

I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,

"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"

To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"

He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."

And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.

She still won't talk to him.

Last night I was playing an online game with some of my son's friends, and one randomly texted on the in-game chat: "I just ate an apple. RAW!"

I wrote back, "That's hard core!"

Nobody laughed. At least, that I saw. :(

Edit: Holy moly, it gets mediocre response two days ago when it's posted, then it blows up over the weekend. Thanks for all the upvotes, folks! Love all the other terrible jokes & puns on here!

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.

f(x)=e^x and f(x)=ln(x) walk into a party. After a while, ln(x) is chatting everyone up and having a great time, while e^x is leaning on the wall and sulking. ln(x) asks eˣ what's wrong, and e^x says “I'm nervous about integrating.” ln(x) replies: “Oh, it's simple, just be yourself and see.”

He tells the farmer that he wants to speak with his animals so he can check how their life there is.

The farmer reluctantly leads the inspector to the paddocks, the inspector notices some cows and approaches asking "Hello Ms Cow, how are you finding life on this farm?" The cow replied in a ventriloquistling voice, "I love my life on the farm, I get grass all day and get put indoors at night". The farmer is amazed at the sight before him.

The inspector makes his way to the duck pond and asks the ducks, "Ducks, how is your life at this farm?" The duck, like the cows reply "I love this farm, we get grain and the big pond. We love our life here".

The inspectors continues his way through the farm with the farmer in tow eventually reaching the sheep pen. As he makes his way towards the sheep the farmer quickens his pace catching the inspectors. "I have something to tell you before you chat to the sheep, THE SHEEP LIE!

I have a penpal from Spain I talk to a lot. Today we were chatting on Google Chat in English, and the topic of whether or not sea lions were dangerous came up.

Me: okay google says "sea lion saves man" has 976,000 results

Her: that man has sinked so many times

Edit: Bonus, she continued laughing at her own joke.

Her: hahahahaha

Her: i cant stop laughing

Her: it was so bad joke

Her: hahaha

My wife and I are chatting about where to go on vacation.

Wife: You know, I really would love to see Aspen, Colorado. It looks beautiful. Me: Aspen you shall receive. Wife: ... You're a horrible person.

Of course he puts it on his head and asks how he looks. We all chuckle in a pained kind of way and Mum says "Can you turn the kettle on, dear?"

And that is when he starts chatting to the kettle, stroking it sensually. sigh.

Takes from a WhatsApp group chat-

Mum: Running late bus has broken down on the motorway.

Dad: You should have taken the car.

In a group chat with my mom and dad discussing meeting up for dinner.

Mom : ok. We are on the way. We usually get a table in the bar area.

Me : well I'm sitting at the bar drinking a margarita. If you can't find me, check the floor.

Dad : they sweep the trash out every 15 min, so don't fall off the bar stool.

So, as the title says, a new dad moved in next door with his young wife and infant son.

All the houses in the neighborhood are fairly modest and perfect for new families and first time homebuyers, so we get a lot of those.

As they were unloading, I decided to do the neighborly thing and quickly introduce myself without getting too much in their way.

While we were chatting, his wife comes out with the LARGEST great dane I’ve ever seen.

The shock on my face must’ve been obvious because he quickly explained, with a bit of an annoyed tone, “Yea, that’s my wife’s dog. I still have my childhood cat, but now this is my biggest pet, Peeve.”

“Come say hello, Peeve!”

My parents planned to visit for dinner for my birthday. My university is about 45 minutes away from home. Mom and I chatted on the phone over the weekend, but tonight at dinner my mom again mentioned:

mom: "your brother had his friends stay overnight this weekend!"

me: "yes I heard."

dad: "wow, they were that loud?"

Been chatting with a girl I met online... she never responded late last night and I wake up to this message this morning:

Her: Sorry! I fell asleep on you last night! Me: Weird... I didn't even feel you on me.

Anndddddd we're still talking. Score.

Dad and I went to the movies are a few years ago to see the second Lord Of The Rings movie and we found ourselves sitting a row in front of the catholic priest, Father John, who married dad and my step mother. We were in a small rural town so they started chatting about local sport and affairs and so on.

The trailers start and they kept talking quietly. Suddenly, a preview for "The Passion Of The Christ" comes on. Afterwards dad says

"Oh, that looks like one for you, Father"

Father John looks a little unsure

"Yeah, well, I've already read the book..."

I'm working on a project for another company. Every morning we have a quick chat over videoconference. They had to move rooms, so we sat on the line and waited.

When they came back, they said "Hey, we're back."

I replied, "Hi back, we're Initech."

The sigh was the best part.

After some chit chat, I dropped a doozy on my wife this morning.

"Hey dear, why was 6 afraid of 7i?"

"What? I don't know."

"Because he has an irrational fear!"

"I'm not awake enough for this shit."

I was playing Warframe with a few buddies on Teamspeak. One of them is annoyed with the roll he got from his void relic and that all he'd get was a Forma Blueprint.

To which I replied "Well, it spawned forma reason."

Cue groans from chat.

So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.

So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.

After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.

Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.

"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"

I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.

At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."

I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.

Last week a wheel broke off my office chair and I kept it because I'm never one to pass on the chance for prop humor.

On Tuesday I got invited out with two of my friends to go grab a drink after work, I was told their girlfriends would be there too.

I pocketed my wheel and brought it with me to the bar, after a while when the couples started getting into their own chit chat I silently placed the wheel on the bar.

My friend asked me why there was a wheel on the bar and I told him "Oh, I'm just solidifying my spot as the fifth wheel."

I laughed and then died a little on the inside.

Sister (about bites she found on my niece in our family group text chat): it's fleas, I just found one biting her. I'm effing ticked!

Father: no, you're flea'd, not ticked, duh.

As a chronic dad-joker, I'm always on the lookout for opportunities.

Today, while getting groceries, I saw a cheerful fellow chatting it up with two women.

In passing, I commented on the group's clear enjoyment of each other's company, when he suddenly declared, "I just found out these two ladies run the hottest nightclub in town!"

I raised my eyebrows and said, "Really? Maybe they should...install some air conditioning."

I saw myself out. (Of the shopping aisle. Immediately.)

Jon recapping a story of his younger days playing the piano and chatting with his dad.

German Dad: You should be on the radio.

Jon: Ah, Thanks Dad

German Dad: Ja, Then I could turn you off.

I was in a hunting store with my dad and there was a pretty nice sale on some bows there. I was chit-chatting with the cashier and said, "Man, these sales are making me quiver." The cashier thought it was the funniest thing ever :D

I'm a construction worker in NYC. At my current job site we're working on a new super tall building, the second tallest in the city. Attached to the building is a temporary construction elevator for moving people and materials up to the upper floors.

So I get in the elevator and it's only me and the operator. We chit chat for the ride up and I ask "So what's it like being an elevator operator for this building?"

He replies "Oh you know, it has its ups and downs"

In hindsight I think I walked right into that one.

I went on a few dates with a girl who works at Macy's. We chat a lot and then she sprung a weird question on me. She said, "my boss thinks you're cute and wants your number. Should I give it to her?" I told her I'd prefer to keep dating her and not her boss, but if she just wanted to be friends, then she could give her my number, which she did.

When I told this story to my dad, he said, "you could date both of them at the same time and choose the most interesting one." I said, "that sounds like that could be a reality show" and without missing a beat he said, "yeah, it could be called Macy's Date Parade."

My girlfriend wnted a new watch so we went to the local shopping centre to go to the Fossil shop. It was shut due to a power outage. Go back the next day and they're open; a quick chat with the shop assistant and she says the problem still isn't fixed and they're using generators to try and get through the day.

I couldn't help myself and say "I guess that means you're running on Fossil Fuel then?"

It didn't go down very well.

This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.

ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.

HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?

ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.

HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.

ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.

HIM: Don't want much, do you?

ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.

HIM: boo HISS

Yesterday I was at a Thai Buddhist temple in my city. The secondary meditation instructor was just chatting with the group a bit before things began. He was explaining to me that on Sundays the temple has language classes. Someone else asked if he spoke Thai, he then explained to us that he didn't complete all the courses and considers himself.......A Thai School Drop out.

I laughed so much harder than I should have at this, mainly because I had been trying to think of some dadjokes earlier that day. Universe provided.

At cracker barrel these two old men are enjoying their meal and I start chatting with them trying to be friendly server. Then one of them says to me "Do you like bets?" I responded saying i dont bet much but im interested in one. He bets me "i bet i know where you got your shoes" thinking theres no way he could know that i take him up on it. He says "Alright, you got your shoes right here in cracker barrel on your feet!" I laughed a lot harder than i should have and gave the man his dollar.

Today I was at a Honda dealership finalizing a lease on my girlfriend's new car. The salesman was chatting us up and showed us a picture of his daughter. He says "This is my 2 year old daughter. Her name is Alexis". Without missing a beat I said "Alexis? Why didn't you name her a Honda?". Both the salesman and my girlfriend gave me the "oh no you didn't" look.

In chat with my project manager:

PM: Yeah, here's a beneficial time for us to be stagged
Me: indeed
PM: That should read staggered, though
Me: we are on the horns of a dilemma
Me: oh deer, that was a lame pun
Me: i should just buck the trend of bad humor
Me: doe! i did it again
PM: ...

Then I pasted the above conversation to another coworker:

Coworker: ha well plaid
Coworker: i meant played
Me: it really was a clash of the tartans

My buddies and I have a group chat going. One guy mentions how he downloaded Dillon Francis' new album and how shared it with us on Facebook. I asked him if he had Dr. Dre's new album so I could get it, but he said he forgot to look it up.

Another dude in the chat says, "so you forgot about Dre?"

I got into an ARAM game the other day. For those of you who do not know there are characters, or champions, you pick in the game. ARAM is a game-mode in League of Legends where the computer gives you a random character out of the 130+ champions, or so. I am not good at all the champions... not even close! So a way to balance this out the game allows you to trade champions with the other people on your team.

So in this game there is a champion called Fizz which I am not good with at all, which I randomly got... and this is what happened inside the pre-game chat:

Me: Oh shoot.

Me: Can anyone trade me?

--Someone trades me their champion--

Me: Thank you! I am so bad with this little guy that you can say I am... Fizzically challenged.

From a game lobby where I was the only one who used chat, it exploded to people typing their moaning and groaning, sensible chuckles, and hearty "LOLs".

The other day, my 2 year old son and I went to visit my dad at his new job as a college teacher. As he was giving us a tour, we stopped by the office of the computer science professor to chat. My son saw some computer monitors on the floor in his office and asked "what's that?" To which the computer professor, who is a grandpa himself, replied "those are monitors. Maybe I should set them outside my door, then they'd be HALL monitors!" We three dad's got a good chuckle out of that. My toddler, not so much.

So, its the day "Clash of the Titans' comes out in theaters. My dad decides to take my brother and I, (we're all big fans), so we get there early and are waiting out in the lobby, my dad and brother go to the bathroom, I wait on a bench for them. A few minutes go by and I see them coming out, my dad giggling at himself, my brother red with embarrassment, and some men behind them laughing.. I want to know, but do I really want to know?

"What did you do?"

He proceeded to tell me of how he overheard some guys chatting about how excited they are for the movie, then realized everyone in there was probably going to see the same movie we are, so he thought it would be a good idea to get in the conversation. He calmy unzipped his pants and yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" as he peed.

And that was all he said.

My poor brother.

I recently joined a CSF - a community supported fishery. Once a week, I'll pick up a filet of freshly-caught salmon, a bag of shellfish, or other such delights from the Pacific Ocean and bring it home to my darling wife and children to much joy (or anguish, depending on who you're asking.)

You get to choose your pick-up spot, and I chose a location close to my office, so I could swing by on the way home; it's a nautical-themed bar, appropriate for such a business transaction. "Go to the bartender and ask for the fish", say the instructions; so I did, and he handed me the catch of the day. Gleaming white filets, glorious they were. Then I met a friend of mine, and after chatting for a little while, I went home.

"Jack," says my wife, "what took you so long? You should have been home an hour ago!"

"Sorry," I said. "I stopped by the bar, just for the halibut."

a man, a sheep and a dog are the only survivors of a shipwreck and get marooned on a desert island with more than enough food. days, weeks and months pass and the only thing the can look forward to on the island everyday is the beautiful sunset! every evening the man, the sheep and the dog go and watch the sunset... one day the man attempted to put his arm around the sheep and the dog goes crazy so he has to retract his arm. he angrily exclaims "I was just cuddling!" the next evening they are back on the beach and the man sees something out to sea... after further investigation he sees it is a unconscious woman on a raft! the man swims out and rescues the woman, takes her to shore and nurses her back to health they begin chatting and get on incredibly well, she was a beautiful young woman with a great sense of humour. the next evening the man, the woman, the sheep and the dog go to the beach to watch the sunset as per usual... whilst sitting on the beach the woman looked up at the man, and he looked back at her. she says how can I ever repay you? the man then says "you can you take the dog for a walk?"

My paternal progenitor dropped this bomb on me during a recent skype chat. Background: I am currently living in Australia and told him I ate a kangaroo burger.

"Do you know what it's called when they cook meat from the front of a kangaroo? A hot pocket!"

Is he not the most Dadish Dad?

People just chatting shit and one lad comes out with "If you had to choose how you died, how would you end it"?

Next guy to talk "I want to go out like my old man, in his sleep"

"Not screaming in terror like those 10 other people on his bus."

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

Not even safe on snap chat from these puns

I was sitting in the cafeteria for lunch yesterday and chatting with my fellow volunteers when one of them pulls out one of those shaker bottles that people mix up protein powder in. Hers just had water in it, but she hadn't taken out the metal shaker.

Without skipping a beat, the man on my left perks up and says, "Wow, that's some fancy spring water you've got there!"

Cue the groans.

My Dad and I chat online almost everyday, out of the blue one afternoon I get:

Dad: I came home after work last night and saw a note your Mother left on the refridgerator. "It's not working, I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Sister's!"

<long pause>

Me: ...?

Dad: I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... "WTF was she talkin about??!!

I spent a good portion of my youth rolling my eyes at my father's jokes. But deep down, I loved 'em. I have a great Dad. But I'm not really the best at saying "I love you". I was reading /r/dadjokes recently and I had an idea. I should turn my Dad's favorite joke into a t-shirt. Then, on Father's Day, I could video chat with him while I wear the shirt.

I think he would love the shit out of that, you know? Like, maybe he will think "Wow, my son gets it. He actually likes my humor!"

Then I thought, I could turn a bunch of these jokes into shirts. So I did. You can see them here:

http://www.funnyshirts.org/s/dadjokes

And then I thought, man, if I could get more people to do nothing else on Father's Day but to embrace their Dad's sense of humor... that would be pretty cool. It would make a lot of Dads happy.

So I wrote the Dad Joke Manifesto:

http://dadjokemanifesto.tumblr.com/themanifesto

You don't have to use t-shirts. Just make a good joke. Employ puns. Think about your Dad's style, his favorite joke, and embrace it.

If you can dig it, then join the movement. Send me your favorite Dad Jokes. Join us on:

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If nothing else, follow along for some good dad jokes.